Stuck on "Checking for Updates" in Windows 7

Windows 7 Pro x64

This is a brand new build.
I tried every suggestion I could find, including formatting my PC.
Windows Update updated the Windows Update Agent itself, but after that just gets stuck on Checking for Updates.
This even happens when upgrading to Windows 10 via the tool from Microsoft; it downloads 10 and then gets stuck on Checking for Updates.

I never had this problem before.
Antivirus is disabled.
Clean install, still happening.

I am aware there are tons of updates. But NEVER has it taken this long, and I have installed Windows 7 many times. And this computer's network is faster than any of them.

And people say 10 is buggy xD

Please help ASAP. Thanks

This event log might help:

Log Name: Application
Source: Microsoft-Windows-CAPI2
Date: 3/19/2016 3:42:19 AM
Event ID: 4107
Task Category: None
Level: Error
Keywords: Classic
User: N/A
Computer: NEOTERIC-Antec
Description:
Failed extract of third-party root list from auto update cab at: <http://www.download.windowsupdate.com/msdownload/update/v3/static/trustedr/en/authrootstl.cab> with error: A required certificate is not within its validity period when verifying against the current system clock or the timestamp in the signed file.
.
Event Xml:
<Event xmlns="http://schemas.microsoft.com/win/2004/08/events/event">
<System>
<Provider Name="Microsoft-Windows-CAPI2" Guid="{5bbca4a8-b209-48dc-a8c7-b23d3e5216fb}" EventSourceName="Microsoft-Windows-CAPI2" />
<EventID Qualifiers="0">4107</EventID>
<Version>0</Version>
<Level>2</Level>
<Task>0</Task>
<Opcode>0</Opcode>
<Keywords>0x8080000000000000</Keywords>
<TimeCreated SystemTime="2016-03-19T07:42:19.033810600Z" />
<EventRecordID>742</EventRecordID>
<Correlation />
<Execution ProcessID="1424" ThreadID="4416" />
<Channel>Application</Channel>
<Computer>NEOTERIC-Antec</Computer>
<Security />
</System>
<EventData>
<Data>http://www.download.windowsupdate.com/msdownload/update/v3/static/trustedr/en/authrootstl.cab</Data>
<Data>A required certificate is not within its validity period when verifying against the current system clock or the timestamp in the signed file.
</Data>
</EventData>
</Event>


The computer clock states the correct time and date. So, not sure what it meant.

If I can't fix this, I'll have to resort to using Linux >.<