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YOUR NEW ANTHRAX/2000 COMPUTER
Congratulations. You have purchased an Anthrax/2000 Multimedia 615X
Personal Computer with Digital Doo-dah Enhancer. It will give years of
faithful service if you ever get it up and running. Also included with
your PC is a bonus pack of pre-installed software "Lawn Mowing
Planner", "Mr. Arty Farty", "Blank Screen Saver" and "East Africa Route
Finder" which will provide hours of pointless diversion while using up
most of your spare memory.
Important Meaningless Note: The Anthrax/2000 is configured to use
80386, 214j10 or higher processors running at 2,472 hertz on variable
speed spin cycle. Check your electrical installations and insurance
policies before proceeding. Do not tumble dry. To prevent internal heat
build up, select a cool, dry environment for your computer. The bottom
shelf of your refrigerator is ideal.
Unpack the box and examine its contents. (Warning: do not open box if
contents are missing or faulty as this will invalidate your warranty.
Return all missing contents in their original packaging with a note
explaining where they have gone and a replacement will be sent within
twelve working months.)
The contents of the box should contain some of the following: monitor
with mysterious De Gauss button; keyboard with 2 1/2 inches of flex;
computer unit; miscellaneous wires and cables not necessarily designed
for this model; 2,000 page "Owner's Manual"; "Short Guide To Owner's
Manual"; "Quick Guide To The Short Guide To The Owner's Manual"; "The
Laminated Super-Kwik Set-Up Guide For People Who Are Exceptionally
Impatient Or Stupid"; 1,167 pages of warranties, vouchers, notices in
Spanish, and other loose pieces of paper; 292 cubic feet of styrofoam
SOMETHING THEY DIDN'T TELL YOU IN THE SHOP
Because of the additional power needs of the pre-installed bonus
software, you will need to acquire Anthrax/2000 auxiliary software
upgrade pack, a 50 megahertz oscillator, 2,500 mega-gigabytes of
additional memory and an electrical substation.
Congratulations. You are ready to set up. If you have not yet acquired
a degree in electrical engineering, now is the time to do so.
Connect the monitor cable (A) to portside outlet unit (D); attach power
offload unit sub-orbiter (Xii) to the co-axial AC/DC servo-channel (G);
plug three-pin mouse cable into keyboard housing unit (make extra hole
if necessary). Alternatively plug all the cables into likely looking
holes, switch on and see what happens.
Additional Important Meaningless Note: The wires in the ampule
modulator unit are marked as follows according to international
blue = neutral or live yellow = live or blue blue and live = neutral
and green black = instant death (except where prohibited by law.)
Switch the computer on. Your hard drive will automatically download
(allow three to five days). When downloading is complete, your screen
will say "Yeah, what?"
Now it is time to install your software. Insert disc A (marked "Disc D"
or "Disc G") into drive slot B or J and type "Hello! Anybody home?" At
the DOS command prompt, enter your license verification number. Your
license verification number can be found by entering your certified
user number, which can be found by entering your license verification
number. If you are unable to find your license verification or
certified user numbers call the software support line. (Please have
your license verification and certified user numbers handy as the
support staff cannot otherwise assist you.)
If you have not yet committed suicide, insert Installation Diskette 1
in drive slot 2 or vice versa and follow the instructions on your
screen. (Note: owing to software modification some instructions will
appear in Romanian.) At each prompt, reconfigure the specified file
path, double click on the launch button icon and type "C:/" followed by
the birthdates of all the people you have ever known.
Your screen will now say "Invalid file path. Whoa! Abort or continue?"
Warning: selecting "continue" may result in irreversible file
compression, loss of memory and a default overload in the hard drive.
On the other hand, selecting "abort" will require you to start the
whole tedious, maddening process over again. Your choice.
When the smoke has cleared insert Disc A2 (marked "Disc A1") and repeat
as directed with all 187 of the other discs.
When installation is complete, return to file path and type your name,
address and credit card number and press "send". This will
automatically register you for our free software prize "Blank
Screensaver IV: Nighttime in Deep Space" and allow us to pass your name
to lots of computer magazines, on-line services and other commercial
enterprises who will be getting in touch with you shortly.
Congratulations. You are now ready to use your computer. Here are some
simple exercises to get you off to a flying start.
WRITING A LETTER
Type "Dear" and follow it with the name of someone you know. Write a
few lines about yourself, and then write "yours sincerely" followed by
your own name. Congratulations.
SAVING A FILE
To save your letter, select file menu. Choose Retrieve from
sub-directory A, enter a backup file number and place an insertion
point beside the macro dialogue button. Select secondary text box from
the merge menu and double click on the supplementary cleared document
window. Assign the tile cascade to the merge file and insert in a text
equation box. Alternatively write the letter with a pen and put it in a
You will have many, many problems with your new computer. Here are some
common problems and their solutions.
Problem: My computer won't turn on.
Solution: Check your computer is plugged in; check to make sure the
power button is in the ON position; check cables for damage; dig up
underground cables in your garden to check for damage; drive into the
country and check electricity pylons for fallen wires; call hotline.
Problem: My keyboard doesn't seem to have any keys.
Solution: Turn the keyboard the right way up.
Problem: My mouse won't drink its water or go on it spinning wheel.
Solution: Try a high protein diet.
Problem: I keep getting a message saying "Non-System General Protection
Solution: This is probably because you are trying to use the computer.
Switch the computer to OFF mode and any annoying messages will
Problem: My computer is a piece of useless junk.
Solution: Congratulations. You are now ready to upgrade to an
Anthrax/3000 Turbo model or a pen and paper.