Preggo Jokes

This is for Pike. I hope this cheers you up a bit. =)

A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When, on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honour, it was like this.. When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Slogan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick', and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

Hope you feel better Pike. =)

if anyone else has Preggo jokes I'd like to hear them.

<font color=purple>People should smile more, they'd live longer.</font color=purple>

I don't.

<font color=purple>People should smile more, they'd live longer.</font color=purple>

LoL! Good un.

<b><font color=blue>~ BIOS SETTINGS: Fast, Hot, Unstable...That ought to work. ~</font color=blue></b>

lmao...it wasn't, but I feel sorry for the woman.

<font color=purple>People should smile more, they'd live longer.</font color=purple>

ok how about this one? not a preggo joke but still funny.

This is the Answering Machine at Mental Health Hospital most of the people here should call for one or more of these things! lmao.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline......

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you."

If you are menopausal, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down & cry. You won't be crazy forever."

=)

<font color=purple>People should smile more, they'd live longer.</font color=purple>

thx, qoop!
i`m feeling much better now

no use crying over this crazy world
so let`s laugh at it, for a while anyway

<font color=blue>I`m Ancient! I have small man breasts, some white hair and roaring to go! Any takers?</font color=blue>

Your girl is in playboy this month

<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

Katie

<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

katie again? lmao.

<font color=purple>People should smile more, they'd live longer.</font color=purple>

here are some things to get you killed...

FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT



* "Sure you'll get your figure back ... we'll just search 1985 where you left it."

* "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"

* "What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."

* "Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"

* "Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"

* "I finished the Oreos."

* "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

* "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!!"

* "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

* "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

* "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

* "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

* "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

* "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

* "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

* "Get your *own* ice cream."

* "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

* "Got milk?"

* "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

* "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

* "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam..."

* "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..."




<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

for <A HREF="http://www.salvationarmy.org.uk/familytracing/news/FT0010.html" target="_new">pike</A>

<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

Way down in dat old swamp known as Louisiana, Bubba's old lady had been pregnant for some time, and now the time had come. So, he brought her to the doctor, and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Bubba and said, "Hey, Bubba! You just had you a son!" Aint dat grand!!

Bubba got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Bubba! You got you a daughter!!!!" She a pretty lil ting, too....

Bubba got kind of puzzled by this, and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy and said, "Bubba, you just had yourself another boy!

When Bubba and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere3-in-1 Oil?"

She said, "Yeah, I do."

Bubba said, "Man, it's a damn good ting we didn't use no WD-40!



<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

The blond woman had been married about a year when one day the she came running up to her husband jumping for joy. Not knowing how to react, the husband started jumping up and down along with her. "Why are we so happy?" he asked. "Honey, I have some really great news for you!" She said. "Great" he said, tell me what you're so happy about." She stopped jumping and was breathless from all the jumping up and down. "I'm pregnant!" she gasped. The husband was ecstatic as they had been trying for a while. He grabbed her, kissed her, and started telling her how wonderful it was, and that he couldn't be happier. Then she said "Oh, honey there's more." "What do you mean more?", he asked. "Well we are not having just one baby, we are going to have TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her how she knew. "It was easy" she said, "I went to the pharmacy and bought the 2 pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

Deep in the backwoods, a woman went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...it seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The father scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"


<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

An unmarried woman just finding out she is pregnant gets into an unfortunate accident on her way home from the doctor’s office. She suffers a head injury and lapses into a coma for several months. When she awakens in the hospital, she panics and asks about her baby. Her doctor is called and gives her a mild sedative, then sits down to answer her questions. I’m so happy to see you recovering. he says. The young woman responds, Thank you doctor, but what about my baby? Is everything all right? He replies, Yes, despite your injury, we were able to perform a fairly normal delivery procedure. “In fact, he goes on, you’ve given birth to TWINS - a boy & a girl. The woman is very happy and asks when she can see the babies. The doctor replies, Right away, but we’ve already sent the infants home with your brother. While you were unconscious, your brother took care of everything for you. He even gave the babies names. At this point the woman gets upset, Doc, my brother is an idiot! What name did he give my little girl? The doctor answered that her name was Denise. Oh, Denise, that’s not so bad. what name did he give my little boy? The doctor answered, Denephew.


<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

it's better than what wingding has on his

<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

Nice jokes.

Due to the current economical depression it is forbidden to laugh at work.

Liked the last one best.

You gotta twins joke book or something?

<b><font color=blue>~ BIOS SETTINGS: Fast, Hot, Unstable...That ought to work. ~</font color=blue></b>

yep. it's my brothers.

<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

do you have a younger or older brother?

<font color=purple>People should smile more, they'd live longer.</font color=purple>

WOW! big family. I only have 2 younger sisters.

<font color=purple>People should smile more, they'd live longer.</font color=purple>

every kid does it though. then we look back on what little hellions we were and that makes us appreciate them more.

<font color=purple>People should smile more, they'd live longer.</font color=purple>

no. I poured cement all over the basement floor, took out all the fiberglass from the ceiling, burned down my parents cottage, carved my name in the furniture, rip off the wallpaper in the bathroom and then graffiti the walls, made my grandma cry once a month, pushed my baby sister down the stairs when she was in a walker, threw a lamp through a wall and slammed the door so hard it came off it's hinges, and tried to run away from home every other weekend. That was just me. My sisters did a bunch of bad things also. Good thing my parents only had the three of us huh? lmao.

<font color=purple>People should smile more, they'd live longer.</font color=purple>

Oh and I didn't have to run away I got kicked out 3 times. Every time the parent the didn't kick me out asked me back.

<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

sweet. I'm really good at fixing walls. I'm serious. And I have an iron but. It's from all the ass whoopings. heheh my dad broke his toe when he kicked me once it was funny.

<b>Agent</b> <b><font color=green>81</b></font color=green>