Drinkin' Jokes

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel
ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers
in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't
drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would
be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink
this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and
worry about my liver."
--by Jack Handy

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time
with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you
to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity
that truly gives me pleasure; hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to
thank her.
--W.C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--Tee Mans

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted
all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we
go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an
airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or
some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than
alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet
it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of
mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine
invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks
behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can distinguish it from
urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
--Dave Barry

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so
let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Scotch - Because one doesn't solve the world's problems over
white wine.


<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new"><b>(·Y·)</b></A>

I'm a bit off topic, I know, but here's my favorite soup recipe:

Lapplander's bird soup:

Take a gun and shoot a loon.
Deplume and salt the loon.

Take two litres of water and
boil the loon in it.
Toss away the water.

Take two litres of milk and
boil the loon in it.
Toss away the milk.

Take two litres of vodka
and boil the loon in it
until it begins to simmer.
Toss away the loon.

The broth is served cold.


<b>What do you mean, "don't touch that heatsink"? Step aside and let me show you howWAAAAH!!</b>

Only those who drink truly know what it is like to be sober. Anyway, what's the difference between a drunkard and an alcoholist?

(A drunkard doesn't have to go to weekly meetings.)


<b>What do you mean, "don't touch that heatsink"? Step aside and let me show you howWAAAAH!!</b>

ROTFLOL !!

Anyway, when it comes to quitting, how about some hangover definitions.

Mandoline Hangover: You can play the tune, but you can't read the notes.


<b>What do you mean, "don't touch that heatsink"? Step aside and let me show you howWAAAAH!!</b>

An Irish man goes out drinking every night, much to the annoyance of his wife. He always arrives home drunk at 2am, screaming and shouting, and then goes into the back garden and spends 10 minutes puking. They always argue about his heavy drinking and smoking, until one night she had enough and screamed "One day you'll puke your guts out for real!!!"

The next day she had an idea. She went to the butchers shop and bought a big bag of sheep's guts, and threw them into the back garden. That night her husband came home as usual at 2am, totally sozzled, and went into the back garden to toss his cookies.

After a period of the usual gross puking sounds, there was a deadly silence. After 30 minutes her husband had still not returned and his wife was becoming worried. At last he staggered in, extremely pale and covered with blood.

"My God", said his wife, "what happened???"

"You were right!" said her husband, "I did puke my guts up for real!!"

"Now", she said, "are you satisfied? Did you enjoy puking your guts up?"

"Puking them up was not so bad", he said, "but putting them back in was terrible"..........



My dick is so big that it occupies two different time zones

Nah, I think it was rather half-hearted for a Wingding joke. Actually, I've heard a similar one before, but it was about moonshine and sh?tting your guts out...


<font color=green>I doubt, therefore I may be.</font color=green>

Well, I'm not quite sure what you meant by that, but I count Wingding's joke as a drinking joke. Excessive drinking <i>is</i> gross, but there would be few drinking jokes it didn't exist. As a little - probably unnecessary - clarification from my part:
<b>moonshine,</b> <i>n.</i> moonlight; unreality, visionary ideas, nonsense; smuggled or illicitly-distilled spirits.

So I'm on topic. Ever tried some moonshine? Anyhow, one more Hangover Definition.

Shoe Allergy: Root cause of this allergy is yet to be determined, but it seems that people who wake up wearing shoes invariably suffer from intense headaches...


<font color=green>I doubt, therefore I may be.</font color=green>

Kind of like vodka, right?
Seriously speaking, we call that kind of stuff 'stick liquor' (my translation). It's made from pine mash if I remember correctly, and usually has high enough methanol content to drive you crazy, blind, or just plain dead.

Proper moonshine is different, though. Somewhere in the 30's (I think), our little country "enjoyed" a brief period of Prohibition Act, and even now our government is skimming something like 60-70% percent off the top as "Value Added Tax" or something. VAT my ass...

Regardless, competent moonshiners are a dying breed here, too. But you can still find some if you're so inclined. I'm not, of course. I'm a law-abiding decent citizen. Anyway, their stuff is actually pretty good. Wouldn't buy from them unless they're at least sixty years old, though. You see, our remaining moonshiners usually are their own best clients. If they've lived to see sixty-something and you still can't swindle any freebies out of them, no worries mate.

And now to the obligatory Hangover Definition:

Kevin Costner Hangover: You already managed to get up, urinate in the sink, throw up, take a crap, beat up your wife and drink a pot of black coffee, but you still can't watch Waterworld for more than 15 minutes without falling back to your "repair kit".


<font color=green>I doubt, therefore I may be.</font color=green>

Well lets just say the end of his joke was an end that fits to Wingding's type of posts.

My peltier is so powerful I get Bose-Einstein Condensate beneath it .

<font color=blue>Unofficial Forum Cop</font color=blue>