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More Jokes (probably heard before)

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More Jokes (probably heard before)

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Deep thoughts

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes Benz 380 SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." --Robert De Niro

You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither. --Steve Martin

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." -- Billy Crystal

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." --Tom Clancy

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -- Robin Williams

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house." -- Rod Stewart

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." --Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." --Rodney Dangerfield

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. -- Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading." -- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." --Jack Nicholson

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like blackpimps." -- Tiger Woods

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked." -- Jerry Seinfeld

There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -- Dustin Hoffman

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -- Robin Williams

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -- Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

I prefer to blend into the background, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

Add a reply

Woman says:
This place is a pigsty! You and I will clean up this mess! And what are your dirty clothes doing on the floor? Unless you want to run around buck naked tomorrow, you better take them to the laundry basket right now!

Man hears:
Blaa blaa blaa YOU AND I blaa blaa ON THE FLOOR blaa blaa blaa BUCK NAKED blaa blaa blaa RIGHT NOW!

I haven't lost my mind. I know exactly where I left it.

Reply to Napoleon

Something else i found thats amusing to moi.

<A HREF="http://www.tennessean.com/local/archives/02/09/22692498.shtml?Element_ID=22692498" target="_new">http://www.tennessean.com/local/archives/02/09/22692498.shtml?Element_ID=22692498</A>

I prefer to blend into the background, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

Reply to lhgpoobaa

That article reminded me of the three rules of Autralian rugby:

1) You cannot beat up someone if they are unconscious
2) You cannot beat up the medics
3) you cannon beat up the spectators

 Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Reply to icy_oblivion

A) whynot?
B) whynot?
C) hell, even the coaches do this!

I prefer to blend into the background, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

Reply to lhgpoobaa

I always thought Aussie Rules Football had only one rule:
No Edged Weaponry!

Flame not, lest ye be phlegmed.

Reply to starbucksaddict

Any truth in the hearsay that the referee will only blow the whistle to honour those who have passed on in the field of glory? Assuming there is a referee...

I haven't lost my mind. I know exactly where I left it.

Reply to Napoleon

LOL, I've heard that the rules are a bit stricter nowadays, only blunt weapons are allowed!

I haven't lost my mind. I know exactly where I left it.

Reply to Napoleon

Remember the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" about the difference between men & women?
Here's a prime example offered by an English professor
from the University of Phoenix:

From a class exercise... "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and
send it back also sending another copy to me. The first
person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely NO talking outside of the e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail.
The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of my English students:

Rebecca (last name deleted), and Gary (last name deleted).

THE STORY:
(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(second paragraph by Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,?%?*?? he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret Mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporized poor, stupid, Laurie and 85 million other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow 'em out of the sky!

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of [-peep-] TEA??? Oh no, I'm such an air headed bimbo who reads too many Danielle Steele novels."

(Rebecca)
[-peep-].

(Gary)
Bitch.

(Rebecca)
DICK!

(Gary)
Slut.

(Rebecca)
Get [-peep-].

(Gary)
Eat [-peep-].

(Rebecca)
[-peep-] YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL!!!

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore.

(TEACHER)
A+ - I really liked this one. Only group to get an A.

Doctor Hooter <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new">(·Y·)</A>

Reply to zpyrd

LOL! Here's another golden oldie:

HER STORY
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar, I thought it might have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. So we went to this restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up and start to wonder whether it's me or something else.
I ask him, and he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. So anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me. I don't know what the hell this means because you know he doesn't say it back or anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me!
So I try to ask him about it but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to go to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave.
I dunno, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?

HIS STORY:
Lousy day at work. Tired. Got laid though.

I haven't lost my mind. I know exactly where I left it.

Reply to Napoleon

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HEHEHEHEHE HOHOHOHOHOH *SQUEAK* ROFL ROFL ROFL HEE HEE HEE HEE
*TEARS*
oh man... yeah that was goood.

I prefer to blend into the background, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

Reply to lhgpoobaa

hehehe
A ref once caught the ball mid game by mistake and impulse... all the players just stopped and looked at him. noone knew what to do LOL
ref was very embarrised.

I prefer to blend into the background, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

Reply to lhgpoobaa

Great story, talk about different interests...

I don´t need a sig

Reply to Jake75

ROFLOLOLOLOLOL... man this thread is awesome... continue posting the funny stuff please.

My peltier is so powerful I get Bose-Einstein Condensate beneath it :eek: .

Reply to svol

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

 Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.

Reply to icy_oblivion

Freda Cohen, a female computer consultant, was helping a smug male set up his computer and she asked him what word he would like to use as a password for login.
Wanting to embarrass the lady, he told her to enter "PENIS."
Without blinking an eye or saying a word, Freda entered the password as he had requested.
But then, Freda nearly exploded from refrained laughter as the computer displayed the message in response:
PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH.

What if you had admin rights to life?

Reply to Flamethrower205

HAHAHAHA

I prefer to blend into the background, because it's much easier to sneak up on people and disembowel them that way. Arr!

Reply to lhgpoobaa

Micro was a real-time operator and a dedicated multi-user. His broadband protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked his Motorola 68000 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy wheels in his garden. He though to himself, 'She looks user-friendly. I'll see if she'd like an update tonight.'
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin 32 bit floating point processors, and inquired, 'How are you, Honeywell?' 'Yes, I am well,' she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. 'I'm stand-alone tonight,' he said. 'How about computing a vector to my base address? I'll output a byte to eat and maybe we could get offset later on.'
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds, then transmitted 8K, 'I've been recently dumped myself and a new page is just what I need to refresh my disk packs. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet you inside.' She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and thinking, 'Wow, what a global variable! I wonder if she'd like my firmware?'
They sat down at the process table to a top of form feed of fiche and chips and a bottle of Baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on ambiguous arguments while Micro gave occasional acknowledgements although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old line, 'Would you like to see my benchmark subroutine?' but Mini was again one clock tick ahead.
Suddenly, she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full functionality of her operating system. 'Let's get BASIC, you RAM' she said. Micro was loaded by this stage, but his hardware policing module had a processor of its own and was in danger of overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his analyst about. 'Core,' was all he could say, as she prepared to log him off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when she went down on the DEC and opened her device files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully packed root device and was about to start pushing into her CPU stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.
'No, no!' she cried. 'You're not shielded!'
'Reset, baby,' he replied. 'I've been debugged.'
'But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child processes,' she protested.
'Don't run away,' he said. 'I'll generate an interrupt.'
'No!' she squealed. 'That's too error prone and I can't abort because of my design philosophy.'
But Micro was locked in by this stage and could not be turned off. Mini stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to sleep.
'Computers!' she thought as she compiled herself. 'All they ever think of is hex!

I haven't lost my mind. I know exactly where I left it.

Reply to Napoleon

Different!

Doctor Hooter <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new">(·Y·)</A>

Reply to zpyrd

Thanks, I guess. :smile: And now to something completely different. Frighteningly different, if it's your first visit: <A HREF="http://www.plif.com" target="_new">The PLIF!</A>. Forewarned is forearmed, so I linked some of the least offensive material below...

<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc210.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc210.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc046.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc046.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc075.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc075.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc091.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc091.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc101.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc101.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc109.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc109.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc140.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc140.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc151.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc151.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc158.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc158.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc178.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc178.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc181.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc181.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc183.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc183.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc199.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc199.gif</A>
<A HREF="http://www.plif.com/archive/wc201.gif" target="_new">http://www.plif.com/archive/wc201.gif</A>

I haven't lost my mind. I know exactly where I left it.

Reply to Napoleon

I can't look at offending web sites at work.
It is against the company policy.
Will look at links from home.

Doctor Hooter <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new">(·Y·)</A>

Reply to zpyrd

That's a good idea. And if you see something that turns you on, you can treat yourself to a swift 'tommy' without your colleagues watching you.

:eek: Wingding - political correctness in reverse :eek:

Reply to WingDing

I'd get my wife to detail my willie for me.

Doctor Hooter <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new">(·Y·)</A>

Reply to zpyrd

An excellent idea. And get her to bring a bar of soap. You never know what might happen.

:eek: Wingding - political correctness in reverse :eek:

Reply to WingDing

LOL, it's not that bad. I'm sorry if I got your hopes up for nothing. It's just a comic, dudes. :smile:

I haven't lost my mind. I know exactly where I left it.

Reply to Napoleon

I looked at them because I just could not resist.

Doctor Hooter <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new">(·Y·)</A>

Reply to zpyrd

So no hooters or shaven havens then........

:eek: Wingding - political correctness in reverse :eek:

Reply to WingDing

Unfortunately, no. I'll try to do better next time. :smile:

I haven't lost my mind. I know exactly where I left it.

Reply to Napoleon

I loved the hooked on phonics one.

Some day I'll be rich and famous for inventing a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet.

Reply to silverpig

HAHAHAHA. man number 109 was good... got hammie quakin in his wheel!

"True communication is possible only between equals, because inferiors are consistently rewarded for telling their superiors pleasant lies than for telling the truth."

Reply to lhgpoobaa

[-peep-] man I can't believe Hammie aint real. :frown:

Doctor Hooter <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new">(·Y·)</A>

Reply to zpyrd

Course hammie is real! he is just worried about HIS imaginary friend :smile:

"True communication is possible only between equals, because inferiors are consistently rewarded for telling their superiors pleasant lies than for telling the truth."

Reply to lhgpoobaa

more funnies:
Gospel of Tux.
<A HREF="http://www.ao.com/~regan/penguins/tux.html" target="_new">http://www.ao.com/~regan/penguins/tux.html</A>

"True communication is possible only between equals, because inferiors are consistently rewarded for telling their superiors pleasant lies than for telling the truth."

Reply to lhgpoobaa

You expect me to read that?

What if you had admin rights to life?

Reply to Flamethrower205

yes. slack bugger.

"True communication is possible only between equals, because inferiors are consistently rewarded for telling their superiors pleasant lies than for telling the truth."

Reply to lhgpoobaa

Cool story.

*Advertisement*
<A HREF="http://www.angelfire.com/dbz/dewrede/enterstrips.html" target="_new">Geert's Comics</A>

Reply to svol

BTW go to the site in my sig and check out the English comics.

*Advertisement*
<A HREF="http://www.angelfire.com/dbz/dewrede/enterstrips.html" target="_new">Geert's Comics</A>

Reply to svol

look at the little pimp

Agent 81 :cool:

Reply to Yahiko81

Geert... cool. My dad's dutch, and that's my name in dutch (after his father).

Some day I'll be rich and famous for inventing a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet.

Reply to silverpig

Well his real name is Gerard... but we all call him Geert or Gnert.

*Advertisement*
<A HREF="http://www.angelfire.com/dbz/dewrede/enterstrips.html" target="_new">Geert's Comics</A>

Reply to svol

My real name is David but my special friends call me Mary.

:eek: Wingding - political correctness in reverse :eek:

Reply to WingDing

My real name is Gunlög.

I need a sig

Reply to Jake75

You can use 'My real name is Gunlög.' as you sig :wink: .

*Advertisement*
<A HREF="http://www.angelfire.com/dbz/dewrede/enterstrips.html" target="_new">Geert's Comics</A>

Reply to svol

Nah, I would just be laughed at.

I mean, Gunlög isn´t directly a common name...it´s more of a relic.
And it´s female, I got it after my father.

I need a sig

Reply to Jake75

What does that tell us about your dad?

:eek: Wingding - political correctness in reverse :eek:

Reply to WingDing

That he was named Gunlög after my mothers mothers mother who in turn got it from her fathers fathers fathers father.
My fathers fathers fathers fathers father bought it cheap from a russian prostitute who in turn got it from a rabid dog.
Lullo The Fixer who was the owner of the rabid dog found the name under a rock a sunny day.
As he already had a name he decided to give the name to his dog.
Wise men argue about how the name found it´s way under the rock, the most respectable/believable story tells that the name were hidden below the rock by silly aliens 8000 years ago.
They did this to prevent a galactic war with the even sillier aliens that threatened to destroy the whole universe if they didn´t get rid of the name.

I need a sig

Reply to Jake75

That's what I had guessed.

:eek: Wingding - political correctness in reverse :eek:

Reply to WingDing

Thats neato.

Unofficial Forum Cop

Reply to buddry

Yeah I know, it´s nothing special about it really.

I need a sig

Reply to Jake75

Four old cowboys are having a discussion about what is the fastest thing in the world.
First cowboy says, 'I believe it's thinking, 'cause when you prick your finger or touch a flame, the pain instantly becomes thought and hits the brain.'
Second cowboy says, 'Well, I think its blinking. When you blink and open your eyes again, you immediately see everything. Nothing is changed.'
Third cowboy says, 'Well, I think it's light, 'cause as soon as you press that light switch, you go from dark to instant light.'
Fourth cowboy says, 'Well, I think it's the Mexican-two-step diarrhea.'
All the others ask simultaneously, 'Diarrhea? Why?'
Fourth cowboy says, 'I'll explain it to you. I went across the border to a saloon last night and drank a buncha homemade Mexican tequila. On the way home from the saloon, I stopped off at Lupe's cafe and ate two helpings of her Mexican Special, which had been warmed over a time or two, and a buncha jalapeno and some chili peppers I never saw before.'
First cowboy asks, 'So, what's that got to do with speed or diarrhea?'
Fourth cowboy says, 'Well, later on when I was in bed, I felt this fire and fierce rumbling in my belly, and before I could think, or blink, or turn that damn light on . . .'

You want WHAT on the [-peep-] CEILING?! -Michelangelo

Reply to Napoleon

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