Zippy Jokes

At a classy golf course, three guys are waiting for their friend
to show to complete their foursome.

After waiting several minutes and at risk of losing their tee
time, the three notice an oddball standing by the club-house all
by himself and carrying a bag of clubs.

The three of them look at each other and shrug their shoulders
and figure, "why not?"

They ask the stranger if he would like to play with them, and
with a thick Italian accent, he agrees.

While playing on a green one guy asks, "So, what do you do for a
living?"

The Italian guy responds, "I'm a hitman."

Not believing the guy they begin to laugh.

"No, I'm not kidding" he replies, "take a look at my sniper rifle
here in my bag, it costs $1000 every time I pull the trigger."

The three golfers begin admiring the rifle and the huge scope
that is on top.

The first guy laughingly says, "I bet I can see my house from
here with that thing!"

As a friendly gesture, the hitman hands him the gun and says
"Here, take a look."

The first guy takes the gun and looks through the scope towards
his house just past the next hole.

"[-peep-] Me!" he yells while looking through the scope, "My wife is
naked with the neighbor and they are kissing!"

He asks the hitman, "How much for you to pull the trigger?", the
hitman replies, "$1000."

The guy then yells, "OK, I'll give you $2,000, I want you to
shoot my neighbor in his dick for obvious reasons, and I want you
to shoot my wife in her mouth for always nagging me!"

With that the hitman takes his rifle, loads it, and takes aim
towards the guy's house.

He is sitting their for a hell of a long time, just looking
through the scope.

The guy yells, "What the hell are you waiting for?"

The hitman says, "Hold on here, I'm about to save you a thousand
dollars!"




<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new"><b>(·Y·)</b></A>

Here's one odd piece of statistics:
If you beat the meat once a day, and use 5 pieces of toilet paper as a target, you'll need 1825 pieces a year. That's 31.5 rolls, for which someone has to cut down one full grown tree.



<font color=red><b><i>You want WHAT on the [-peep-] CEILING?!</i></b></font color=red> -Michelangelo

ROFLOL... good one.

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HAHA, good as always!

<font color=blue>Unofficial Forum Cop</font color=blue>

June 2002, Georgia: An EMT in southern Georgia was part of the
unit that responded to a call from Coffee County late one night.
They arrived on the scene and found a severely injured man lying
at the edge of a field. His stomach had been completely torn
open, and he was covered with lacerations and bruises. He also
had a prominent tire tread across his chest.

The injured man's companion showed up in a racing model ATV
vehicle, clearly intoxicated, and gave the following account.
Imagine this tale being recited in a deep Georgian accent.

He and his injured friend had been drinkin' and ridin' around the
field on the three-wheeled ATV, when they sighted a stand of deer
in their headlights. The friend, riding the back as a passenger,
was struck with a great idea. "Hey man," he said, "If you quarter
off one a those deer, betcha I can bulldog 'im." The driver
thought this was an entertaining idea, so he proceeded to isolate
a buck and race him down.

His intoxicated passenger proceeded to leap from the ATV, grab
the buck by the antlers, and perform an excellent example of this
rodeo sport. He pinned the animal's head to the ground, but
that's when things went wrong. The buck, less docile than a
steer, simply got up, threw his head back, and tore his
assailant's belly open. The deer then proceeded to stomp, kick,
and butt him for good measure.

The EMTs noticed that this information accounted all of the
injuries except one. When they asked the driver about the tire
track across his injured friend's chest, he responded: "Well how
else was I s'posed to git the deer off 'im?"


<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new"><b>(·Y·)</b></A>

"Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried
away with your good deed and end up having Sex with the beast,
your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor
party."

tight

If it were really a man's world...

1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack on the arse and a 'Cheers for the sex - now f*ck off' would pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29, so it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Mothers Day, you'd get the day off to go drinking.

5. Instead of 'beer-belly', you'd get 'beer-biceps'.

6. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

7. Every woman that worked would have to do so topless.

8. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

9. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

10. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during a match, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen when the ball goes out of play.

11. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed as an acceptable response to 'I love you.'

12. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

13. 'Sorry, but I got wasted last night', would be an acceptable excuse for absence and/or poor time keeping.

14. Lifeguards could remove people from beaches for violating the 'public ugliness' ordinance.

15. Hallmark would make 'Sorry, what was your name again?' cards.

16. Lager would have the same effect as Viagra.

17. 'Fancy a shag?' would be the only chat up line in existence and it would work every time.

18. Everyone would drive at least 90mph and anyone driving under that would be fined.

19. Dinner break would happen every hour and the boss would hire in strippers for the duration of those breaks.

20. Saying 'Lets have a threesome. You, me and your sister' to your wife/girlfriend would get the response, 'What a great idea!!'

21. Harrier jump jets would take you to and from work.

22. Everyone would have a real Light Sabre and any disagreements would be settled by a fight to the death.

23. Vomiting after 20 pints would actually make you more attractive to the opposite sex.

24. When it was time to leave work, a whistle would sound and you'd get to slide down the back of a Brontosaurus like Fred Flintstone.


<font color=red><b><i>You want WHAT on the [-peep-] CEILING?!</i></b></font color=red> -Michelangelo

I really like # 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24

Look at that, I like tham all.

In a world without <font color=red>walls </font color=red>or <font color=green>fences </font color=green>, what use have we for <font color=red>Windows </font color=red>or <font color=green>Gates.</font color=green>

hehehehehehhehehe. I agree with ur rules and Napoleon's!!! hehehe

What if you had admin rights to life?

Two rabbits and a hedgehog are standing by the side of a road one
day when the hedgehog says to the rabbits, "Tell me how do you
rabbits manage to cross the road safely when we always seem to
get splattered by a car."

"Well that's easy" says one of the rabbits, "All you have to do
is
first make sure nothing is coming either way then make your way
across, keeping a look out for any cars, if you see a car coming
towards you. turn and face it and stare at the driver, he will
see you, then just as the car gets close to you roll yourself up
into a ball and the car will go over you with the wheels either
side of you then carry on to the other side of the road."

"Brilliant" says the hedgehog "I'll try that now."

So the hedgehog looks both ways, nothing coming, so off he goes
across the road, keeping a look out for any cars.

Just over halfway across he sees a car coming towards him, so he
does exactly as the rabbits told him, he turns round and faces
the car, stares at the driver, and just as the car gets close he
curls up into a ball.

SPLAT!!!!....

The car squashes the poor little sod in the middle of the road.

On the side of the road the two rabbits have just witnessed what
has happened.

One rabbit says to the other, "$hit that was unlucky, that's the
first time I've ever seen a Reliant Robin come down this road."


(Just for info, a Reliant Robin was a 3-wheeler British car with
the one front wheel in the middle).


<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new"><b>(·Y·)</b></A>

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
10. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
11. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
22. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
25. If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.
26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
30. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
31. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
32. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
33. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
34. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
35. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what in the world happened.

<b> I think I'm addicted to these ever so cute smiley :lol: faces! :wink: </b>

I haven't seen that list for a couple of years now. I used to have it on a file, but it got lost on one of my complete reinstalls or computer switches.

In a world without <font color=red>walls </font color=red>or <font color=green>fences </font color=green>, what use have we for <font color=red>Windows </font color=red>or <font color=green>Gates.</font color=green>

Found a decent joke collection at <A HREF="http://home.tiac.net/~cri/humor.html" target="_new">http://home.tiac.net/~cri/humor.html</A>. IMO good stuff, nearly all of them. Some of my favorites so far:

<A HREF="http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/horse.html" target="_new">The honorary degree</A>
<A HREF="http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/zeb.html" target="_new">Dear Ma and Pa</A>
<A HREF="http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/cockfight.html" target="_new">Illegal cock fights</A>
<A HREF="http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/bulletin.html" target="_new">Health Bulletin</A>
<A HREF="http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/rooster.html" target="_new">A very good rooster</A>
<A HREF="http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/badnews.html" target="_new">Bad news from the doctor</A>
<A HREF="http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/marketing.html" target="_new">Marketing</A>
<A HREF="http://home.tiac.net/~cri/2002/tourism.html" target="_new">South Dakota tourism</A>



<font color=red><b><i>You want WHAT on the [-peep-] CEILING?!</i></b></font color=red> -Michelangelo

I wouldn't mind them in most places.

<font color=blue>Unofficial Forum Cop</font color=blue>

This makes me think of Monty Piton 'Meaning Of Live'.

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But will they be good looking?

<b>Agent <font color=green>81</b></font color=green>

You've got my vote.

<b>Agent <font color=green>81</b></font color=green>