are you ready to laugh

Cruel professor

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus, but licked my index finger?"



<i><font color=red>What you need and everything you'll feel is just a question of the deal In the eye of storm just think of the lonely dove the experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love</font color=red></i>

THE DUMP LIST"
>
> THE GHOST DUMP
> The kind where you feel dump come out, see dump on the toilet paper,
but
> there's no dump in the bowl.
>
> THE CLEAN DUMP
> The kind where you feel dump come out, see dump in the bowl, but
there's
> no dump on the toilet paper.
>
> THE WET DUMP
> You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you end
up
> putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you don't
> ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.
>
> THE SECOND WAVE DUMP
> This dump happens when you've finished, your pants are up to your
knees,
> and you suddenly realize you have to dump some more.
>
> THE BRAIN HEMORRHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE DUMP
> Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Dump".
> You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
> practically have a stroke.
>
> THE CORN DUMP
> No explanation necessary.
>
> THE LINCOLN LOG DUMP
> The kind of dump that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
> without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.
>
> THE NOTORIOUS DRINKER DUMP
> The kind of dump you have the morning after a long night of drinking.
> It's most noticeable trait is the skid mark left on the bottom of the
> toilet bowl after you flush.
>
> THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD DUMP" DUMP
> The kind where you want to dump, but even after straining your guts
out,
> all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.
>
> THE WET CHEEKS DUMP
> Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of
your
> ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.
>
> THE LIQUID DUMP
> That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt,
> splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same time,
> chronically burns your tender poop-chute.
>
> THE CROWD PLEASER
> This dump is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to
> show it to someone before flushing.
>
> THE CRACK FLAPPER DUMP
> This dump seems to create its own weather system. Your butt cheeks
> feel like they're flapping in the wind when this dump comes out.
>
> THE MOOD ENHANCER
> This dump occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
> allowing you to be your old self again.
>
> THE "ON THE CLOCK" DUMP
> This is any dump that you take while you are punched in at work.
> Lunch hour and coffee break dumps do not qualify.
>
> THE "BEST NICKEL I EVER SPENT" DUMP
> This is any dump that you take in a "pay" bathroom. Thankfully,
> there aren't too many of these left. If you're ever in a
> Mexican border town, be sure to try one!
>
> THE RITUAL
> This dump occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
> the aid of a newspaper.
>
> THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS DUMP
> A dump so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.
>
> THE AFTERSHOCK DUMP
> This dump has an odor so powerful than anyone entering the vicinity
> within the next 7 hours is affected.
>
> THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" DUMP
> This is any dump created in the presence of another person.
>
> THE GROANER
> A dump so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.
>
> THE FLOATER
> Characterized by its floatability, this dump has been known to
> resurface after many flushings.
>
> THE RANGER
> A dump which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in
> a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to
> push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.
>
> THE PHANTOM DUMP
> This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
> putting it there.
>
> THE PEEK-A-BOO DUMP
> Now you see it, now you don't. This dump is playing games with
> you. Requires patience and muscle control.
>
> THE BOMBSHELL
> A dump that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
> inappropriate to dump (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or you
> are nowhere near dumpting facilities.
>
> THE SNAKE CHARMER
> A long skinny dump which has managed to coil itself into a frightening
> position - usually harmless.
>
> THE OLYMPIC DUMP
> This dump occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive
> event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the
> Drinker's Dump.
>
> THE BACK-TO-NATURE DUMP
> This dump may be of any variety but is always deposited either in the
> woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.
>
> THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN DUMP
> An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift from
> God when you actually CAN'T dump.
>
> PREMEDITATED DUMP
> Laxative induced. Doesn't count.
>
> DUMPZOPHERENIA
> Fear of dumpting - can be fatal!
>
> ENERGIZER vs DURACELL DUMP
> Also known as a "Still Going" dump.
>
> THE ROCKET DUMP
> The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down when
> you're done.
>
> THE LIQUID PLUMBER DUMP
> This kind of dump is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows
all
> over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the Lincoln
> Log
> Dump.)
>
> THE SPINAL TAP DUMP
> The kind of dump that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's got
to
> be coming out sideways.
>
> THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY [-peep-]" DUMP
> Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Dumps. The shape and
size
> of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space remains
in
> the rectum for some time afterwards.
>
> THE PORRIDGE DUMP
> The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming. You
> have two choices: (a) flush and keep going, or (b) risk it piling up
to
> your butt while you sit there helpless.
>
> THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" DUMP
> When the bag of Doritos you ate last night lacerates the insides of
your
> rectum on the way out in the morning.
>
> THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" DUMP
> When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like marbles
and
> make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.
>
> THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" DUMP
> Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn
> any one of the poisonous bathroom odor. Instead, you stand innocently
> near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gagging and gasping
for
> air.
>
> THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURD STILL DANGLING THERE" DUMP
> Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on to
> drop
> off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the place.


<i><font color=red>What you need and everything you'll feel is just a question of the deal In the eye of storm just think of the lonely dove the experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love</font color=red></i>

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.

The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.

''Can of PAINT!'' exclaimed the minister. ''Yeah,'' said the newlywed man. ''She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.'' The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.

''That's okay,'' said the man. ''We're not welcome in Home Depot either.''

<i><font color=red>What you need and everything you'll feel is just a question of the deal In the eye of storm just think of the lonely dove the experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love</font color=red></i>

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. "Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. "Damn, this water is cold."
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. "Now how did that get there?"
8. "Hummus. Reminds me of hummus."
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"
10. "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peaunt butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."
14. "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toliet paper, conspicusly lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visiable to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."


<i><font color=red>What you need and everything you'll feel is just a question of the deal In the eye of storm just think of the lonely dove the experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love</font color=red></i>

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if he's okay. "No, I'm not," the guy replies. "I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend." "Well," asks the bartender, "what did you say to your wife?" "Nothing. I'm not speaking to that bitch anymore." "Well, what did you say to your best friend?" "BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"





<i><font color=red>What you need and everything you'll feel is just a question of the deal In the eye of storm just think of the lonely dove the experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love</font color=red></i>

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly after this started, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a large sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy.

Six months went by. Then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today and I don't understand what it means."

The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and read it and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack, and died.

The wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti, spaghetti. Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."



<i><font color=red>What you need and everything you'll feel is just a question of the deal In the eye of storm just think of the lonely dove the experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love</font color=red></i>

To my dear wife,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days.

The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

44 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too early
15 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
3 times "the neighbors will hear us"
22 times you had a headache
7 times you had a sunburn
9 times your "mother will hear us"
37 times you weren't in the mood
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you said you had to get up early
16 times you promised "tomorrow"


Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:

6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I had finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move



To my dear husband,

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got it in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper

<i><font color=red>What you need and everything you'll feel is just a question of the deal In the eye of storm just think of the lonely dove the experience of survival is the key to the gravity of love</font color=red></i>