French jokes

A cursory review of French military history reveals the following:

1 - Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2,000
years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.

2 - Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by a female schizophrenic
who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "French armies
are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

3 - Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever
lose two wars when fighting Italians.

4 - Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.

5 - Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant but still manages to get invaded. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

6 - War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

7 - The Dutch War - Tied. Dutch farmers and tulip growers are tougher than they look.

8 - War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -
Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles
the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

9 - War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French
their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

10 - American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to
future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw
far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to
the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when America does most
of the fighting."

11 - French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

12 - The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First
Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for the
Russian winter, Prussian grenadiers or a British footwear designer.

13 - The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. For the first, but certainly not the
last time, Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France 's ugly girl
home alone on a Saturday night.

14 - World War I - Invaded, humiliated and on the way to losing, France is
saved by the United States. Winds up a tie for les francaise. Thousands of
French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but
one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, the American fascination with
personal hygiene (a fascination totally foreign to French women) incites
widespread use of condoms by American soldiers, thus precluding any
improvement in the French bloodline.

15 - World War II - A decisive defeat even by French standards. Hitler and
the German Youth spend Christmas time sleeping soundly through the winter,
then arouse themselves to conquer France in six weeks. Hitler dances in
front of the Eiffel Tower, while the French command staff retreats to
Algeria to institute a crash language program to teach French privates how
to say "I surrender" in German and French generals to say "We surrender" in
German. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as
they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song and some small portion of the
German work ethic. De Gaulle of it all...

16 - First Vietnamese war (in Vietnamese circles, known as "the scrimmage",
or "the exhibition game" where the varsity squad is kept on the sideline to
see how the second string will play) - Lost. French soldiers, fresh off
their four year occupation by the Germans, catch a terminal case of Dien
Bien Flu.

17 - Algerian rebellion - Lost. First time an Arab army has beaten a
Western army since the Crusades, and produces the first rule of modern
Islamic warfare: "We can always beat the French." A nice phrase, but it
lacks something in originality, since it is also the first rule of warfare
for the Italians, Russians, Prussians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish,
Vietnamese, Native Americans and capitalists.

18 - War on Terrorism - Lost. Incensed at not being included in the
original "Axis of Evil," France refuses to participate. When it becomes
clear that this is a "no-kidding war," Jacques Chirac looks at his cards and
immediately surrenders to that old warhorse, Gerhard Schroeder. For good
measure, he also surrenders to five million illegal immigrants from Algeria.

19. Iraq - Given their past military history the french have decided surrender.

20. America - lost. The United States now has control over the nation of France. Overwhelmed with so many prisoners the US government decided to just give them back their country if they promised to shut the hell up from now on.

Treat your body like a $600 car. God didn't intend it to last so use it. Run it into the ground!<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1><EM>Edited by PapaSmurf on 04/08/03 06:06 AM.</EM></FONT></P>

yeah, I'm just bored. you gotta admit their funny tho even if they are a mite childish

Treat your body like a $600 car. God didn't intend it to last so use it. Run it into the ground!

I don't recall, some web site then I modified it a bit. I thought it was perty funny

Treat your body like a $600 car. God didn't intend it to last so use it. Run it into the ground!

You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever.

France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As President, you must decide:

Do you: -

A) Stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live?

or do you: -

B) Tape it and watch it in the morning

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"In California, a speech teacher is in a lot of trouble for encouraging her students to oppose the war with Iraq. The principal was furious and said telling kids to oppose the war is the French teacher's job." --Conan O'Brien
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In retaliation against the US House of Representatives changing the names of French fries and French toast to Freedom fries and Freedom toast in their cafeteria, the French government has announced that they will NOT change the name of American cheese.
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A group of British paratroopers were firing their weapons for practice near the Kuwait/Iraq border. A group of Iraqi soliders, fearing the war had started, crossed the border and promptly surrendered to the paratroopers. My immediate thought was, "Finally, French culture has spread to the Middle East."
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Q: What are they calling the Germans, French and Belgians, at the Pentagon?
A: "The Axis of Weasels."
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Three guys, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Welshman are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Welshman says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Wales."

With a blink of the genie's eye, 'FOOM' - the land in Wales was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye,'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."
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Q. Why do we need France on our side against Saddam and Osama?
A. So the French can show them how to surrender.
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The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney.

The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.
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How many French does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, first, there has to be a UN security resolution demanding a change - but only if the light bulb can be proved to be burned out and not just in a quantum state of flux.

Second, there should be an increase in the number and frequency of inspectors and inspections to determine that the light bulb is not just burned out, but a genuine threat to the rest of the world. There has to be a "smoking filament" or else the changing of the bulb would be considered unnecessary since the light bulb poses no threat to world stability, let alone in breach of said resolution by illuminating anything other than it's own space.

Third, there should be endless debate about the ramifications of light bulb change. How do we know the next light bulb will be a more co operative light bulb and illuminate our lives?

Fourth, France will in no way support a violent action in changing the light bulb. There must be a peaceful solution to this light bulb change; violent action is unacceptable.

Fifth, without a broad coalition that supports light bulb change, any action to change the bulb will be considered a breach of the "spirit" of the UN resolution regarding the light bulb.
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France did send Inspector Clouseau to Iraq to help with the inspections. Know what he found?
20 more votes for Al Gore.

What's the difference between 1943 and 2003?
This time around, the Vichy government is telling the German puppets what to do.

What do you call a French fighter coming to the rescue of American and British soldiers in the Iraqi desert?
Mirage
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What do you call a Frenchman advancing on Baghdad?
A salesman

What is the difference between a road accident involving a hedgehog and a Frenchman?
There are skid marks before the hedgehog

What do you call 20 French politicans face down in the English Channel?
A start.
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Donald Rumsfeld (possibly)...
"Going to war without France is like going duck hunting without your accordion"

David Letterman's comment on Paris' current position on Iraq....
"France wants more evidence [of Iraqi violations]. The last time France wanted more evidence, it rolled right through France with a German flag."

Jay Leno: "I don't know why people are surprised that France won't help us get Saddam out of Iraq. After all, France wouldn't help us get the Germans out of France!"

President Chirac... "As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure,"
Rush Limbaugh... "As far as France is concerned, you're right."

Franco Zeffirelli....if you live in a democracy, you have to trust your leaders.... and, on the whole, the leaders of Britain and the United States have a more distinguished record than their counterparts in France or Germany.

Dennis Miller: "The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq."
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On the back of a public restroom door in Texas, USA. "Here I sit with my buns a'clenchin, giving birth to another Frenchman.
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Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was: 'Never shot. Dropped once.'"
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Frenchman, Englishman and Claudia Schiffer travelling by train through Provence. The train enters a tunnel and the lights go out. Then came a kissing noise followed by the sound of a really loud slap.

When the train exited the tunnel, Claudia and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman was holding his cheek. The Frenchman thought 'That Englishman must have tried to kiss Claudia and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia was thinking: 'The Frenchman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Englishman was thinking: 'Great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again.'
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Why did the French celebrate their World Cup Championship win in 2000 so wildly?
It was their first time they won anything without the help of the U.S.
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"A Frenchwoman walks into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The bartender says, "HEY! You can't bring that pig in here." The Frenchwoman says, "Excuse me...but that's a duck." The bartender says back, "Excuse ME, but I was talking to the duck."
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A frenchman walks into a bar, smiles at the landlord and orders a glass of wine. The frenchie looks about and sees a camel sitting at the bar as well.

The frenchie asks the landlord, What is that dirty camel doing in here?

The Landlord pulls a cricket bat out from behind the bar hits the camel in the head and the camel gives the landlord oral pleasure.

The Landlord looks at the frenchie and says "You want a go?" to which the frenchie replies: "Oui, but there is no need to hit me over the head."
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Q: Where do you find 60 million French jokes?
A: In France.
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Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: It gives them speedier reactions.
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Why is good to be french?
You can surender at the begining of the war, and US will win it for you.

What is the first thing the French Army teaches at basic training?
How to surrender in at least 10 languages.

What is the most useful thing in the French Army?
A rearview mirror, so they can see the war.

Why does Nike like the French Army?
Because, in war time, they are the biggest buyers of running shoes.

Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris?
It's not known, it's never been tried.

Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in World War II?
And that's because it was raining

Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?
Germans like to march in the shade.

Then why are the French chopping down the trees now?
The Arabs like to march in the sun.

Q: What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?
A: "Table for 100,000 m'sieur?"

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?
The army.

Q: Why do the French Smell?
A: So blind people can hate them too!

How many gears does a French tank have?
Five, four in reverse and one forward (in case of attack from behind).

How did the French react to German reunification?
They put up speed bumps at the borders to slow down the panzers.

A man askes his companion, "What's the most common French expression"?
His friend scratches his head, shrugs his shoulders and replies, "I give up!"
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"France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes." -Mark Twain

"I just love the French. They taste like chicken!" - Hannibal Lecter

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." - Marge Simpson
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The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary traveler asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat." The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. Your are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little FiFi is using that seat?"

The American walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired."

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....Imagine!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honor and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly "You know,sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
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: How can you recognize a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.

Q: What is a Frenchman with a sheep and a goat under each arm?
A: Bisexual.

Q: Whats the difference between a Wonderbra and the French World Cup
squad?
A: A Wonderbra has decent support and a cup.
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<A HREF="http://www.francestinks.com/" target="_new">http://www.francestinks.com/</A>

<font color=red>GOD</font color=red> <font color=blue>BLESS</font color=blue> <font color=red>AMERICA</font color=red>

I'd seen most of em before. I just pulled em off a site and posted here. The english ones are the best though. I like the one in the train with claudia.

<font color=red>GOD</font color=red> <font color=blue>BLESS</font color=blue> <font color=red>AMERICA</font color=red>

Jokes are mostly funny... even if they're childish.

My dual-PSU PC is so powerfull that the neighbourhood dims when I turn it on

Yes, but they're very childish.

My dual-PSU PC is so powerfull that the neighbourhood dims when I turn it on

Thanks a lot! I needed a good laugh.

<font color=blue>Sig for sale.</font color=blue>

LOL. Those were hilarious.

We make fun of the French a lot but we gotta still respect that they lost 800,000 people in WW2, we lost about 200,000.

Why did the French plant trees in Paris?
So the Germans could march in the shade.


-Why can't we just challenge Saddam and his cronies to a LAN war?-

So what you're saying is that it's not childish if the English do it, because they've been doing it for years. But it is childish for Americans to do it because they only just started?

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Knowan likes you. Knowan is your friend. Knowan thinks you're great.

It's not just opinions. We don't agree with their actions...or lack thereof...either.

War Eagle

Makes it alright to joke about them? Sure! Not that I needed any more of a reason.

Damn, people! Do we need to go back to first grade and all start chanting "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me" all over again?

It's a few jokes. They're J-O-K-E-S! Get over it.

War Eagle<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1><EM>Edited by Auburn9698 on 04/14/03 03:20 PM.</EM></FONT></P>

You're Canadian right? What jokes do Americans say about Canadians? I've never heard one.

<font color=red>GOD</font color=red> <font color=blue>BLESS</font color=blue> <font color=red>AMERICA</font color=red>

Watch the Simpsons or South Park. Lots of Canada bashing there.

Of course in Canada everyone makes fun of the Newies and the Americans. Anyone ever see "Talking with Americans" on this hour has 22 minutes? I love the one where Rick Mercer gets the governer of Arkansas to wish "King Lucien Bouchard the best of luck on perserving your national igloo"

check out <A HREF="http://www.wedonotliveinigloos.com/rick_mercer.shtml" target="_new">http://www.wedonotliveinigloos.com/rick_mercer.shtml</A> and click on National Igloo.

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Knowan likes you. Knowan is your friend. Knowan thinks you're great.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mwention that Lucien Bouchard is the leader of the Parti Quebecois, a group that wants to see the province of Quebec seperate from Canada.

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Knowan likes you. Knowan is your friend. Knowan thinks you're great.

Yeah, I know. But even Canadians can make Canadian jokes and not get all bent out of shape.

War Eagle

Now, dang it DH, I was trying to be nice and not name any names. You've gone and messed me up now....

War Eagle

I think you've got to shut up DH! I already said I liek the jokes but that I think the reason they where made are very childish... READ!

My dual-PSU PC is so powerfull that the neighbourhood dims when I turn it on

Disagreeing with their opinions is the core thing?
What's your point?

So, is it childish to tell jokes about everybody? Under what circumstances IS IT not childish to tell jokes?

Maybe all adults should just stop telling jokes?

Damn, svol, no offense intended, but the world would be a much more boring place if it was full of svols.

They're freaking JOKES, man! They're supposed to be funny, not set some new standard for sophisticated adult living.

War Eagle<P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1><EM>Edited by Auburn9698 on 04/15/03 03:14 PM.</EM></FONT></P>

The Forum Granny strikes again.

If this was Big Brother, Svol would have been voted off a long time ago.

Wingding - a sperm bank's worst nightmare

Or maybe he could have a steamy session with Jade.

Now I feel kinda sick.

Wingding - a sperm bank's worst nightmare

Yeah, I'd feel dirty after porking that ugly beast. But she'd do for Svol though

Wingding - a sperm bank's worst nightmare

The real question is...Would it REALLY matter to Svol? He would get the opportunity to wet the willy...isn't that enough for his age?

ROFLMAO!!!

<font color=blue> Computer fans are really cooling fans for the user. When they run, the user is cool, but whenever they break, the user starts sweating!! </font color=blue>

He'd turn her down for some obscure reason.

<font color=blue>"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum" - Roddy Piper</font color=blue>

Yes, no amount of beer would persuade me to slip her one.

<font color=blue>"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I'm all out of bubblegum" - Roddy Piper</font color=blue>