Deep thoughts by Jack Handey

-it takes a big man to cry, but an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
-If a child asks you where rain comes from, tell them it's God crying. If they ask why He's crying, tell them it's probably because of something they did.
-to me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music. no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.
-maybe to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Mankind. Basically, it's made up of two separate words- "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
-Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he developes a good lucky feeling.
-Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, mankind should be thinking about getting more use out of the weapons we already have.
-I don't think God put me on this planet to judge others. I think he put me on this planet to gather specimens and take them back to my home planet.
-If you lose your job, your marriage and your mind all in one week, try to lose your mind first, because then the other stuff wont matter that much.
-Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend.
-Many people don't realize that playing dead can help not only with bears, but also important business meetings.
-If you think that weakness can be turned into strength, I hate to tell you this, but that's another weakness.
-I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
-Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights, even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is you're talking to. Then, on the way out, slam the door.
-When I was a child, sometimes we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do this was to turn on the t.v.
-Sometimes it's hard to tell if something is actually a memory, or you just dreamed it. So I asked my boss if I called him a lying, stinking theif, or I just dreamed it, and he said I just dreamed it. Whew, that was close.
-I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me a lot of money."
-Dad always said that laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died from tuberculosis.
-The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole is reserved for skeletons."
-I want to die in my sleep peacefully like my grandfather, not screaming and in terror like his passengers.

why thank you Rich.....I'm not sure if it was meant as a sincere comliment, but I'm taking it as one anyway.

lol.....did you steal it from him, or the other way around?

I've never stolen anything but hearts.

I'm Scouse not Scottish. You have no idea how many Americans and Canadians mistake my accent for Scottish. But then most septic tanks think all Brits sound like Mary Poppins. With regards to the theft of your heat, what can I say, I'm just that kind of a guy.

One of my favorites:

That's because you've never met a Geordie.

Years ago I tried (and failed) to get into some rather fine looking woman GI's knickers, who I'd met in Germany while stationed there. She was on a spot of RnR, I was there with a group of lads from the regiment. She was fascinated by us Brits, and I ran through all the accents I could think off. I had her eating out the palm of my hand, doing my Geordie, Scouser, Cockney, Lanc etc etc. I was sooooooo close to getting her to go outside for some "fresh air" when some thick fu[b][/b]cker from my Company started a fight, the barman called the fuzz and the MP's descended. We all scarpered otherwise we'd have been in the guardhouse on a charge. I was mere minutes away from getting some. Rotten bastard, I never let him forget how he scuttled my chances.

She was amazed at the variations in accent, and I played on it big time.

He can't answer you at present. He's out racing his whippets and wearing a flat cap. [/stereotyping]

Must be tricky racing whippets with ferrets down your trousers.[/True]
***awiats Scouse slur***

I tried the exact same manouvre on another bird years later, in Florida. Was on a dead cert with this slightly older bird, she would have jogged naked round the bar if I'd have asked her to, I had her that much under my spell. Then her stupid walrus looking friend dragged her away for some unknown reason, probably got the painters in or something, sour-faced cow. So twice I snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. I resolved never to try it again.

And buying overcoats online.

Nice portrait of our Ned there. I'd forgotten about pigeon fancying.

No, Traditional country wide slang. Painters in = flag of Japan week.

The bird I was chatting up was cracking, it was her moose friend that put the mockers on it. She was RAF.

Oh yeah, a proper double-bagger. You couldn't afford that much beer.

Two hicks were driving through the countryside one day when they passed by a goat farm. As they neared the end of the property, one of them noticed a goat with his head caught in the fence on the lower strand. He whipped the truck over, ran over to the goat and dropped his pants, then commenced to going to town on the poor helpless goat. When he was finished he hollered over to the other, "come on it's your turn". The other hick ran over , dropped his pants, and stuck his head under the fence.