More ATC's

Archived from groups: alt.games.microsoft.flight-sim (More info?)

someone@nowhere.com wrote:
> Here are a few more....
>
> * This Japanese airlines plane is approaching Honolulu international
> when

> Hope you enjoyed!
>
> regards,
> Flemming
>

I don't know, maybe it's me, but I only got halfway through and I wasn't
smiling anymore.
--

boB,
Master_Caution_70

U.S. Army Aviation (retired)
Central Texas - 5NM West of Gray Army Airfield (KGRK)

Archived from groups: alt.games.microsoft.flight-sim (More info?)

well i quite liked them

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Do you want to join a freelance design team? Can you code or design? Want to
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<someone@nowhere.com> wrote in message
news:tioo819g54j7kcco30dpa6qob92b2aua5h@4ax.com...
> Here are a few more....
>
> * This Japanese airlines plane is approaching Honolulu international
> when
> the tower gives the pilot a clearance he's not familiar with. So he
> says: ATC could you please walk me through that clearance, it's been a
> while since I was here last.
> ATC: Oh yeah when were you here last?
> Pilot: December 8, 1941!
>
> * DCA clearance delivery responded to a request for an IFR clearance
> with
> a rapid-fire clearance that went on and on, with various VORs, fixes,
> altitudes, etc. After a pause, a voice came back, in a slow Texas
> drawl,
> OK, now why don't you'all say that again, real slow, as if it
> mattered.
>
> * A pilot was attempting to deal with New York, and the controller
> shot
> everything out a mile a minute. The pilot came back with "New York,
> you
> hear how fast I'm a-talkin'? Well, that's how fast I'm a-listnin'".
>
> * Another pilot obtaining a clearance from the Trenton controller who
> shot back "Trenton, you can repeat that, oh, about ten times. Or you
> can say it again once slowly."
>
> * Billund ATC: Gliders 82 and D5, state position and altitude?
> 82: Overhead Coal Lake, 6400 feet.
> D5: Same position, same altitude.
> ATC (cool, dry voice): So should I go get my collision report form ??
>
> * ATC: Say altitude
> Pilot (feeling frisky): altitude
> ATC: Say ALTITUDE
> Pilot: ALTITUDE
> ATC: Say 'Canceling IFR'
> Pilot: Level 8000
>
> * Several planes were running up and waiting to take off, many Cessnas
> including a 337. With all the students and several similar call signs,
> the controllers were getting a tad confused. The controller finally
> asked: "Cessna 123YZ, are you the Skymaster?"
> A slightly confused voice with an indeterminate accent replied, after
> a
> moment: "Well, my instructor says that I am very good, but I do not
> think that I would yet be considered the _skymaster_."
>
> * A friend of mine was ferrying his Blanick to a nearby airport on the
> other side of some Class C Airspace. The 182 towplane had no radio,
> but
> the Blanick did. No problem, after departing the glider called, ATC
> and
> gave their intentions to cross The Class C airspace. About halfway
> across, ATC requested a 90 degree right turn. My friend responded.
> "What do you want me do? Yell out the window?"
>
> * Berlin, 1952, airfield real busy. English pilot comes on the radio
> requesting taxi instructions to the terminal.
> Controller: Have you not been here before?
> Pilot: Yes, once in 1945, but I was just passing through!
>
> * At London Gatwick: a A320 Air France is making an auto-approach. At
> 200', the computer decided to make a go-around with no reason and no
> command from the crew. Here is what we heard on the TWR freq:
> Air France: London from Air France 1234, It's going around!
> London TWR: Air France 1234, report intentions
> Air France: Well ... to go with it sir !
>
> * It was a quiet morning in the control tower at the airport where I
> was
> working. I was in the tower position, and my friend was on ground
> control. One of the small commuters had just landed, and as they
> taxied
> to the ramp the female pilot hit the wrong button and her "thank-you
> for flying with XXX airlines" message went out on the ground control
> frequency instead of the intercom. My friend heard this, made some
> wrong assumptions, and made the following VERY un-PC broadcast on his
> frequency: "Attention all airlines, someone has a stewardess talking
> on
> the radio."
>
> * Tower: Cessna N1234, be advised wake turbulence - UA 737.
> [pause]
> Cessna: San Jose tower be advised the Cessna is ahead of the 737.
> [longer pause]
> Tower: UA 737, be advised wake turbulence Cessna 172.
> Someone: Giggles and laughter in background
>
> * After several unsuccessful attempts to raise the pilot whom the
> tower
> has just issued instructions to: "You have to key in the mic...I can't
> see you when you nod your head..."
>
> * I was taxiing out to the active in a 172 and I had just dialed up
> tower
> and checked the approach which was clear. The weather was 15+ vis and
> no ceiling. I was just about to call tower for clearance when I heard
> this.
> ABC: London tower this is alpha bravo charlie on short final 33.
> TWR: Alpha bravo charlie, negative visual contact pull up go around.
> I took a good hard look for the a/c and saw nothing so I called tower
> and got cleared to go. I heard 2 more renditions of the "On short
> final" and "Pull up go around" act. On the fourth try the pilot got a
> bit frustrated about the wave off. It went like this.
> TWR: Negative visual contact pull up and go around.
> ABC: Well look out your window, I'm right bloody in front of you!
> Tower came back very cool and collected.
> TWR: Alpha bravo charlie look down into the centre of the runway
> pattern. Do you see a big white radar dome?
> ABC: err....negative dome tower.
> TWR: That's because you're not over London. You're over
> Waterloo-Wellington 50 miles north-east of my position.
> Waterloo-Wellington tower frequency is 125.00. I think they would like
> to talk to you.
>
> * Lufthansa flight XXX: Ground, Lufthansa XYZ request back taxi, it
> appears we are missing a passenger, and must return to the gate.
> Unknown voice on the frequency: Check your ovens...
>
> * American 127: San Jose Ground, American 127 off 30R, request taxi
> instructions
> Ground: American 127, if able turn off at next intersection and taxi
> to
> gate. If unable, take the Guadeloupe exit off highway 101 and turn
> right at the first intersection to get back to the airport.
>
> * "Atlanta tower, United 123 is with you."
> "United 123, you are cleared to land on 27 right."
> "Atlanta tower, Delta 765."
> "Delta 765, you are cleared to land on 9 left."
> After a pause to digest this, we hear....
> "Uh... Atlanta, I think you have that United flight and us coming into
> the same runway in opposite directions?"
> Another pause..
> "Y'all be careful, now, y' hear?"
>
> * Tower: United 123, traffic 3 o'clock, 2 miles, an American Fokker
> 100.
> United: Tower, United 123. I've wanted to say this for a long time:
> I'VE GOT THAT FOKKER IN SIGHT!
>
> * A true story from my Scottish days when a C152 pilot was asked to
> report his height prior to clearance to enter the zone, replied:
> "Flight Level Three Thousand, Seven Hundred", upon which the
> Controller
> very smartly replied, "Roger, prepare to fire retro-rockets and
> re-enter the atmosphere time 07"!
>
>
> * C-150: Tower this is N-ABCD can you give us a ground speed please?
> Tower: Roger N-ABCD we show you at 110 knots
> Mooney: (Showing off a bit) tower this is N-EFGH can you give US a
> ground speed please?
> Tower: Roger that N-EFGH we show you at 201 knots
> F-18: (Showing off a lot and said with a Texas drawl). Heh Heh.. tower
> how about XXXX, can you give US a ground speed please?
> Tower: Roger XXXX we show you at 580 knots.
> ... then in a distant crackly voice,
> "Tower, we'd like a ground speed too please..."
> Tower: Ummmm ahhh .... must be something wrong with our equipment
> here,
> I show you at 1500 knots sir.
> "No sir, this is a SR-71. Thank you for the reading."
>
> * Oakland Center at 2100 local. late at night, very light traffic.
> United 21 is going to Hawaii from NY at FL390, this is WAFDOF but he's
> a long hauler so we try to let them fly at optimum altitude. Speedbird
> 35 is going to Chicago from Hawaii at FL 390.
> United21: United 21, Oakland Center, level 390
> Center: United 21, 390
> Speedbird35: Speedbird 35, Oakland Center, level 390
> Center: Speedbird 35, 390
> At this point the controller student (me) says "those two are pointed
> right at each other!". They we're 300 miles apart pointed nose to
> nose.
> The controller and student then have a quick discussion about ways of
> insuring we wouldn't make a big noise over Modesto. The solution
> proposed by the student (me again) was to turn one 10 degrees right,
> the other 10 degrees right, let them get approx 10 miles lateral
> separation (5 is the minimum), pass, and then clear them back on
> course. I could tell the controller was mighty proud of his student's
> clear thinking! So he let the student do some ATC work!
> Student: Speedbird35 turn 10 degrees right for traffic, expect direct
> Coaldale
> Speedbird35: 10 right, expect Coaldale, Speedbird35
> Student: United 21 turn 10 degrees right for traffic, expect direct
> Fuzzy
> United21: Long pause..... Center.... we're going all the way to Hawaii
> tonight, how about turning our traffic out of our way.
> This wasn't how it was supposed to work? The student looked to his
> mentor for direction. The instructor took over.
> Center: United 21, turn 20 degrees right for traffic, traffic 12
> o'clock, opposite direction, same altitude.
> United 21: Center do you realize how much fuel a 747 will burn with
> this vector?
> By this time the Speedbird is slowly moving off to the right. They
> won't bang together anymore but in the ATC lingo, we're about to have
> a
> deal. I'm ready to do anything! The old salty controller reply's in a
> slow measured response.
> Center: United 21 understood, advise you rig for midair collision and
> flash the seatbelt sign.
> United 21: 20 degrees right, expect direct!
>
> * Another student, a not too bright woman, was coming in for a
> landing.
> The radio in the FBO was set to the ground freq. It seems that she
> land on the taxi way.
> The ground controller told her, "please call 555-xxxx after you park
> the plane".
> She answered, "No thank you sir, I'm already married."
>
> * Cessna: Bay Approach, Cessna 12345 over South County Airport at 4
> thousand feet, request permission to land at San Jose.
> Bay Approach: Cessna 12345, Squawk 4567, and do you have Hotel? (the
> current SJC ATIS)
> Cessna: Negative, we're going to stay with my sister-in-law.
> American 123: Does your sister-in-law have any extra rooms?
>
> Hope you enjoyed!
>
> regards,
> Flemming
>