Archived from groups: alt.games.microsoft.flight-sim (
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On Thu, 14 Jul 2005 17:12:57 -0400, Arthur wrote:
> Geez, you guys don't know what a wind is til you come to Canada. Winds like
> Dennis are passed in every local eatery here. I, for one, was not worried
> about the Varmit......it's not like he was in Kansas : )
Arturo....speaking of interior winds.
This was sent to us in Febuary of this year. By Dallas no less!
Frank and the Chili Contest-
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity
in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that
the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those
burdens you endure when you're an internet writer and therefore known and
adored by all."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
* Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope
that's the worst one. These people are crazy.
* Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed
to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The
barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so
irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye
started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston
Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.
* Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I've located a uranium
spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the
routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest. She said her friends call her "Sally." Probably behind her back
they call her "Forklift."
* Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable to taste
it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn't have to
dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and
uncoiled ... it's kinda cute.
* Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched
and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved
my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates
me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
* Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.swirl
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she
wants to go dancing later.
* Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at
the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he
appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which slid
unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what
killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.
Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive them. I've decided
to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air I'll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the
X-Files people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not
too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 fell and
pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
--
Marcel (SAG-21)
(I'm quite beside myself...- C3PO)
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