Tech / non-Tech Jokes Thread :: Post

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

Canada, sir," the boy replied. "Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!" The boy replied, "No shit??? Who did she play for?

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a flight from L.A. to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works . . . "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer.

"Okay, how about this - If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer . . .

"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated he sends E-mails to all his co- workers and friends he knows. All to no avail. After over an hour of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.


The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, and is going nuts trying to figure it out, is more than a little frustrated! He wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"


The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
_________________
Not as Lean
Not as Mean
But still a Marine
-------
Hasufin's friend wrote wrote:
You are defined by your most vocal fruitcakes, always remember that, no matter what group you're in.

fuckin furry jokes...

I thought that "furry" chit died when Forlorn took a header over the rail in the Gulf of Mexico somewhere?. :?

Man walks into a bar THUD!

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Found at Dave's

Why Men Are Happier Than Women

1. We keep our last name.

2. The garage is all ours.

3. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

4. Chocolate is just another snack.

5. We can be president.

6. We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

7. Car mechanics tell us the truth.

8. The world is our urinal.

9. We never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

10. Same work, more pay.

11. Wrinkles add character.

12. Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.

13. People never stare at our chest when we're talking to them.

14. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

15. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.

16. One mood, ALL the time.

17. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

18. We know stuff about tanks.

19. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

20. We can open all our own jars.

21. We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. If someone forgets to invite us, he or she can still be our friend.

23. Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

24. Everything on our face stays its original color.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

27. We almost never have strap problems in public.

28. We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

29. The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.

30. We don't have to shave below our neck.

31. Our belly usually hides our big hips.

32. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

33. We can "do" our nails with a pocket-knife.

34. We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

35. We can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

An old miner decides to order himself a mail-order bride. Months later he gets a telegram saying that his new wife has arrived and is waiting to be picked up. So the miner hitches up the horse to the ole wagon and heads on into town and picks her up. On the way back he learns that his new bride is a bit of a chatty bird....quite the opposite of our miner friend.

All of the sudden the miner's horse rears up and gets a little crazy. The miner jumps off the wagon and SMACK!!!! Whacks the horse across the face.

"Thats one!!!" he bellows.

The incident caught the poor girl off guard and shook her up for a bit which caused her to quiet down. But not for long. A mile or so down the road she's chirping away as if nothing happened. And wouldn't you know it...the damn horse freaks out again. The miner jumps down again and full on punches the horse in the face like a grown man.

"Thats two!!!" he yells.

Naturally this incident upset the new bride but she weathers it well. It isn't long before they reach the miner's camp. They get down off the wagon and she surveys her new home. Which is rather dismal, but she's optimistic. With a woman's touch, she could live here and be happy.

Out of nowhere, the horse ups and bites the miner as he trying to un-hitch him. The miner swells with anger, pulls out his gun and shoots the horse dead.

"Thats three!!!"

The equestrian homicide flat out frighten the woman.

"Why did you do that?" she cries.

WHACK!!!!!

"That's one!"

The second funniest joke in the world according to LaughLab (Comptia_Rep's second post was the funniest):

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"


And regionally...

Top joke in UK

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

Top joke in USA

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Top joke in Canada

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.

Top joke in Australia

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”
The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”

Top joke in Belgium

Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.

Top joke in Germany

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”


And finally, my personal favorite...

Patient: “Doctor, I've got a strawberry stuck up my bum.”
Doctor: “I've got some cream for that."

That's probably good advice....

I knew you'd all like that one.

Yeah, and their findings are a little funny too... [/lame]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They
bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the
pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected
strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the pilot let us put them all on
board; he had the same plane as yours."

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even with
full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. A few
moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea
where we are?"

"I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

your second post with the sasky lines were great

Best joke ever...

dvdpiddy.

best joke ever...

8O

Now this is the story of young Freddie Laws,
Whose sexual equipment got jammed in the doors,
By the time they had freed him he didn't feel well,
For his poor private parts were mangled to hell.

They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
But when they arrived there was nowt they could do,
What a bad blow for Fred, comdemned without choice,
To a life without sex and a high squeeky voice.

But lucky for Fred so he wouldn't feel a fool,
Some bright spark suggested a Bionic Tool.
A smart new electric one made out of brass,
Though the batteries would have to be kept up his ass.

Now newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test,
So finding a woman, the nearest one handy,
Supplied her with drink and made her feel randy.

She without waiting put her hand in Fred's flies,
Then she felt what was there and gave a cry of suprise,
Fred said thats my bionic chopper now lets have some fun,
Cor blimey she said it feels more like a gun.

They both stripped off quick and Fred entered her fast,
Then turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast,
They clung to each other as Fred's dick shook some more,
They bounced off the bed and rolled onto the floor.

The pace hotted up and they started to choke,
As the air in the room filled up with blue smoke,
With a bang Fred's left bollock shot up in the air,
And his other went bonkety bonk down the stairs.

Then back for repair went poor Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go,
To return to the doctors at the end of each shag,
With his prick in his pocket and his balls in a bag?

But they fixed Fred, made him a man again,
'cause they boosted his batteries with flex from the main,
So if he can't find a girl, our Fred doesn't cry,
Just flicks the switch, and jerks himself dry.

It's his autobiography...

Could be...could be...

...just follow yer nose...

a banana and a vibrator are on a bed side table
the banana says to the vibrator (i dont know why your shakin)
SHE,S GONNA EAT ME!!

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Mmmm... Jam and cream on a hot muffin. [/Messy]

funny