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More jokes folks

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A little girl asked her mother, "Mommy, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."
"What does that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he is in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Daddy, may I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mommy, but she said that Susie was in heat, and for me to ask to you."

Dad said, " Bring Susie over here" He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's rear-end with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Susie on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a short time later with the leash but without the dog. Her Dad asked, "Where is Susie?"

The little girl said, "She will be here in a minute. She ran out of gas about halfway down the block and another dog is pushing her home. :lol:

Try <A HREF="http://www.dtig.de/whatswrong/" target="_new">this</A> link with sound. It's safe enough.

~ Whew! Finished...Now all I need is a Cyrix badge ~ :wink:

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you want something to laugh at, look at the Whats your choice thread.

The male goes into the female.
The plug, you dirty you.

Reply to scamtrOn

(A) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(B) On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(C) The Japanese drink very little red wine and
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(D) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

(E) Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like. It's
speaking English that kills you.

:smile: You get what you pay for...all advice here is free. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

I thought it was more to do with the cigarettes, alcohol and fried food.

Heart Disease was invented in Scotland. We try to export it, but it's not found a niche on the international stage yet.

~ Whew! Finished...Now all I need is a Cyrix badge ~ :wink:

Reply to camieabz

My dad brought it with him when he came here.

:frown:

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

See. Scotsmen are not tight. They share things.

Cheer up sir, or I'll tell you another joke...

You asked for it.

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk! :smile:

~ Whew! Finished...Now all I need is a Cyrix badge ~ :wink:

Reply to camieabz

I asked for it!

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

A farmer is giving his wife last-minute instructions before heading to
town to do some business. "That fellow from Sematol will be along this
afternoon to inseminate one of the cows. I've hung a nail by the right
stall so's you know which one I want him to impregnate."
Satisfied that even his mentally challenged wife could understand the
instructions, the farmer left for town.
That afternoon, the "inseminator" arrives, and the wife dutifully takes
him out to the barn and directly to the stall with the nail. "There's
the nail so this is the cow right here" she tells him. "What's the nail
for?" the guy asks.
Replies the wife "I guess it's to hang up your pants."

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

Latest Darwin Award......

Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett Sanchez tried
to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed
to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to
his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the
machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
mechanism.

Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled
from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was
more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal
stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped
open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer and the rotating
machinery inside. To add insult to injury,
Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro
shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for
surgery, and the remaining two members of the threesome were asked to leave the course.

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

Heh!

The same farmer has to attend an agricultural conference one week-end and worries that the farm hand may try something while he's away. So he buys her a vibrator. He explains, it's for her to use for pleasure while he's away, and off he goes.

The next day he phones her and asks how things are. "Fine" she says. "How are you getting on with the vibrator?" he asks.

"Not too good." she replies "Its knocked six of my teeth out." :lol:

~ Whew! Finished...Now all I need is a Cyrix badge ~ :wink:

Reply to camieabz

oooh! Painful.

Anyway, I'm off to bed. G'night pal.

~ Whew! Finished...Now all I need is a Cyrix badge ~ :wink:

Reply to camieabz

At last, an answer to this age old question – Who is JACK SCHITT?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at loss for a response when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt & O. Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilier magnate, marries O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt Inc.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple producesd 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deep Schitt & Dip Schitt.

Against her parents’ objections Deep Schitt, married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married 15 years, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Piza Schitt.

So now if someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt”, you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

Cast your vote with your $, shed your pride with your opinion.

Reply to jc14all

Ooooohhhh! With friends like these, who needs enemies. The nerve...not one of his friends even offer to donation one ball each.

Cast your vote with your $, shed your pride with your opinion.

Reply to jc14all

Good point!

:lol:

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

THE TRUTH IN 13 WORDS........
Inside every older person
is a younger person -
wondering what the hell happened!

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

hi oldbear,

i love the sig man. its too funny. it came back negative!!

ROFLMAO

i sleep in the daytime so i can rest easier at night.

Reply to scamtrOn

I like your new sig also.
How are ya doin?

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

i'm well

how are you and THE bike doin?

*long sigh*
how much i want one, specialy now that its spring. ahhhhhhhhhhhh

i sleep in the daytime so i can rest easier at night.

Reply to scamtrOn

A passenger plane travelling to California is suddenly hit with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific Ocean.

The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles from home, he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach, another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that she is not breathing, so quickly he gives her the kiss of life. After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes the hair from her face he now can see who it is...its Kylie Minogue!!

Forever grateful to him for saving her life, they strike up an immediate bond, and over the following weeks, while stranded on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Kylie is walking down the beach and notices her new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach, staring out to sea, with a look of sorrow on his face. She wanders over to him, and asks what is wrong.

"Kylie," he says, "The last few weeks have been the greatest of my life. We've found this island paradise. We have all the food and water we could require, and I have you, but still I can't help feel there's something missing."

Kylie replies: "What my darling? What is it that
you need? I'll do anything". "Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?"

"OK"

"And my trousers?"

"OK"

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.

"OK... Can you start to walk around the island, and I'll set off the other way and meet you half way."

"OK dear, whatever will make you happy?"

So off they set. After an hour walking he eventually sees her headingtowards him along the beach, at which point he
breaks into a sprint, runs up to her, grabs her by the shoulders and shouts:

"Hey mate, you won't believe who I'm shagging!!!"

~ Whew! Finished...Now all I need is a Cyrix badge ~ :wink:

Reply to camieabz

Just wondering, Do you ever suddenly find yourself shouting out "its in you eyes..."?

A man is only as old as the woman he feels

Reply to HolyGrenade

You've lost me.

~ Whew! Finished...Now all I need is a Cyrix badge ~ :wink:

Reply to camieabz

Its a line from that new Kylie song thats on tv and radio all the time, its all around me. Its driving me mad!!!! If you live in this planet you should've heard that song by now.

But... in the london underground I was humming along to shakira's song "whenever, wherever" on my headphones. Theres this bit where she sings "I'm at your fee-eet". Humming that bit just doesn't cut it, you gotta sing it, so I did. Some people just looked at me, but I just looked back towards them and shrugged. Pitty though, not a looker in the bunch, tsk tsk.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels

Reply to HolyGrenade

Sorry man. I listen to Radio 4, and before you get on my case, it's got it's interesting bits. Always miss the Archers of course. Listened in once for a laugh, and it's pathetic. Quick example of Radio 4 prog.

True stories on cold war government procedures in the event of Nuke Wars. Quite an eye-opener. Especially the bit about the Nuke subs. If a sub commander can't communicate with Admiralty or MOD, then he's to listen for the 'Today Programme' on R4. If after 3 or 4 days, he gets nothing, he's to assume the U.K. is destroyed, and he's to open the safe with the orders to see what to do. Lets hope R4 never stops!!!

Anyway, I didn't say it was exciting, just different.

~ Whew! Finished...Now all I need is a Cyrix badge ~ :wink:

Reply to camieabz

My Dog Sex

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call my dog "Sex".

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to get his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said I didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 year old." He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The Clerk said "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex entered in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on television." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to file for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I got married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex had left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex..."

My case comes up on Friday...

Faith = Assurance + Evidence of the unseen.

Reply to jc14all

Every morning, Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And
on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner,
day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for
what was (most certainly) about to follow. "Fifty dollars!" she would shout from the curb.
"No. Five dollars!" fired back Clinton.

This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days.
He'd run by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars." He'd yell back, "Five dollars!"

One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly
realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary)
and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife,
the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became
overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there
she was --standing where she always did.

Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging
executives.

Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill .."See what you get for five bucks?"

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

LOL. Hehehehe, good one! Well, here goes another.

Avid Golfer

There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually he's a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He gets up very early and golfs all day long.

Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet, and goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. From there he finds that it's supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife's back, and whispers, "The weather out there is terrible."

She replies, "I know. And can you believe my stupid husband is actually out there golfing?"

Faith = Assurance + Evidence of the unseen.

Reply to jc14all

:cool:

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

Nuts!
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball
game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his
commands.
When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.
As the National Anthem started.......the doctor yelled,
"Up Nuts" And the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem ...he
yelled, "Down Nuts". And they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts". They all broke
out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad
call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts!!!" and
they all started booing and cat calling.
Thinking things were going very well......the doctor decided to go get a
beer and a hot dog.........leaving his assistant in charge.
When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his
assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?" The
assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until
this guy walked by and yelled......"PEANUTS"

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

:lol: ROFLOL! :lol:

Faith = Assurance + Evidence of the unseen.

Reply to jc14all

Specimens

An eighty year old couple go to the Doctor's office.

The Dr. tells the old man that he needs a urine sample, a semen sample and a feces sample.

The old man can't hear what the Dr. says so he turns to his wife and says what did he say?

His wife turns to him and yells, he wants a pair of your underwear.

Faith = Assurance + Evidence of the unseen.

Reply to jc14all

A joke for OldBear!

A married couple was celebrating their 50th wedding aniversary with their family, friends and neighbours.
An old family friend asks the husband how he was able to stay so happy for all these years.
The husband answers his friend's question by telling him his honeymoon story.
After our wedding my wife and I honeymooned in the Grand Canyon. We rented two pack mules to ride down to the bottom of the canyon on. About half way down my wife's mule stumbled. My wife replied "that's once". After another mile of travel the mule stumbled again and my wife replied "that's twice". When we arrived on the canyon floor the mule stumbled a third time. This time my wife pulled a pistol from her travel bag and shot the mule dead.
To my amazement I said to my wife "What in the world did you do that for?" And her reply was "That's once".

Doctor Hooter <A HREF="http://www.page3.com/" target="_new">(·Y·)</A>

Reply to zpyrd

OUCH! Good one!

:lol:

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

Thanks! You just saved me a trip to the Doctor's office.
My wife can go for me and take my drawers.

:lol:

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

Hehehe...I hope that's not the case. You crack me up man! LOL, :lol: but have you ever felt like yelling, "Yahoo"?

Yahoo

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a whoop so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final, "Yahoo!" and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service station attendant. "Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians ride bareback".

Faith = Assurance + Evidence of the unseen.

Reply to jc14all

Ok. You win for tonight.

:lol:

:smile: I took an I.Q. test today...it came back negative. :smile:

Reply to OldBear

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