Post Your Bad Jokes

An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. Until the boat sank.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies...Nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

"I rowed from the other side of the island," she says. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he says. "You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

"Oh, this?" replies the woman. "I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island; the oars were whittled from gum tree branches; I wove the bottom from palm branches; and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But-- but, that's impossible," stutters the man. "You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replies the woman. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

"No, no thank you," he says, still dazed. "Can't take any more coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," the woman replies. "I have a still. How about a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave?
There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, is a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside of a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses.
"What next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines-- strategically positioned-- and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've been out here for a really long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for all these months? You know..." She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing:

"You mean," he swallows excitedly,"I can check my e-mail from here?"

Is it jst me or is there something oxymoronic about the term "Space Marine"? It's not a joke, I was just wondering.

hehe, made me smile.

This one is all my fault (so its really bad):

What does a proctologist and a milk farmer have in common?
They both work in the derriere

So's this one:
Did I ever tell you about my uncle who had a rabbit farm?
He always said it was a hare raising experience.

And this:
What do you call the cow that jumped over the moon? High steaks
Wat do you call the same cow that also consumes Pike's stash? Higher steaks

And my dad's favorite:
Did you hear the one about thecow that tried to jump over a barbed wire (pronounced "bob war" ) fence?

It was an udder disaster.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the
first time we had sex together over fifty years ago?
We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence
and I made
love to you."
"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can
do
it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and
having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these
two
old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for
support
aided by walking sticks. Finally , they get to the back of the tavern
and
make their way to the fence.
The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.
As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.
Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman
has
ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud
noises and moaning and screaming.
Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed.
He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't

know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old
couple
struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.
The policeman is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly
amazing;
I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was
something else.
You must have had a fantastic sex life together.
Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply.......
"Fifty years ago, that wasn't an electric fence."

How many real women does it take to change a light bulb?

How many real men does it take to change a light bulb?

How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?

Yeah, well how about this one?

Why did the chicken cross the park?



To get to the other slide.

***gets coat***

oh.. lame jokes, i know many of those..

What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on a fence?

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

one day my daughter was tired of painting on the kitchen table with water colors and paint brush and came to the room where i was and said she had nothing to do so i told her to paint the dog and sure enough a little later i find souky the dog with green red and blue paint on her head ...

I hope he shot the dog.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

How many Chineese does it take to change a light bulb?

This next joke is so bad it failed zippy approval.


After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbor's boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother.

"It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age," the neighbor said.

"Sexuality?!" the mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

Change you fcuking meds now.

I guess Mugz could set you up.

I'll take a sample for quality assurance.

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.

She picked it up, rubbed it & a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was entitled to three wishes.

The Genie said "No. Due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third world countries & fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map & exclaimed "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful. That's what I wish for."

The Genie let out a long sigh & said,

"Let me see that ƒuckin' map!"

How is an icy sidewalk related to music?

If you don't C-sharp you will B-flat.

How do you milk an ant?

First, you get a low stool. . .

Cursing at Work


Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however! , realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.

Number 1
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

Number 2
TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

Number 3
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

Number 4
TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

Number 5
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

Number 6
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

Number 7
TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

Number 8
TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

Number 9
TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

Number 10
TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

Number 11
TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

Number 12
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

Number 13
TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

Number 14
TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

Number 15
TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

Number 16
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

Number 17
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

Number 18
TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

Thank You,
Human Resources

S-State Agents
Low energy accomodation for two!

The sexual life of the camel is stranger than anyone thinks
One day at the height of his passion he decided to seduce the Sphinx
The Sphinx' sexual orifice was clogged with the sands of the Nile
Which explains the hump on the camel, and the Sphinx' inscrutable smile...

Yep.

*googles Eskimo Nell*