Message from John Cleese to citizens of the USA!

[quantumsheep]

A Message from John Cleese to the Citizens of the United States of
America.

"In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen
Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas; which she does not
fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect;

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary Then
look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter U will be
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and neighbour. Likewise you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the
suffix "ize" will be replaced with "ise".

Generally you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to an acceptable
level - look up vocabulary. Using the same 27 words interspersed with
filler noises - such as 'like' and 'you know' - is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English.
We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker
will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the
elimination of 'ize'.

You will relearn your original national anthem. God Save The Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. You will learn to
resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The
fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you are not
adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults.
If you are not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or
speaking to a therapist then you are not grown up enough to handle a
gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling gasoline) and pay roughly $6/US Gallon. Get used to it! You will
learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not
real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat
and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer
at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to a
beer and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as near-frozen
gnats urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in
Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having ones ears
removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of
proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American
football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or
wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an
event called 'The World Series' for a game that is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It has been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. Tax Collector) from Her majesties
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (back dated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.



Sorry for posting in the CPU section, i just didn't quite know where to post it. Plus i thought it's a brilliant Irony that manages to get both the British and the Citizens of the USA in equal Measure!

 

[epsilon84]

LOL :lol:

As an Australian, I found that pretty funny anyway.

 

[Stealth_JAG]

Good Stuff. Its good to get a little break from all the techn-talk for a while. As a gun-carrying, military, conservative, redneck I have a few things to tell Cleese. First of all, you can have my gun as soon as you can take it from me. I'd like to see one of your Bobbys, or constables, or whaterver you call them, with their little sticks, try to take my 9mm Berretta. Since Europe has no military to speak of, I think they are going to have a hard time imposing their will on anybody. Heck, if we just brought back 10% of our forces from IRAQ, we could probably conquer Europe in about 10 days.

Although I appreciate the humor in the article, the thing about German cars (or any European car) is just plain wrong. I'm in Europe right now and have been driving BMWs and Mercedes Benzes for work - terrible vehicles. Maybe compared to Italian, Russian, and Eastern Block vehicels, they are pretty good. Compared to US and Japaneese Vehicles, German cars are a joke. Honda or Toyota need to go to Stuttgart to teach teh Germans how to make cars.

Europe took its best shot at the US when they formed the EU, but its clear that train is about to run out of steam. Boeing just stated outselling Airbus again. I like Britain best of all the European countries, and always appreciate a good laugh from the Monty Python grounp. However, there's a reason the USA became a superpower and Eurpose was left grovelling for our scraps. (America the beautiful fades into the background)

Rob

 

[1Tanker]

Americans wouldn't like the metric system.

 

[blade85]

hahaha nice one.

" A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed. " -> that was hillarious!

 

[NeonDeon]

We will surrender when you clean up your islamic mess you have at home. And before you take over here, can your reduce the amount of tax's you steal from your citizens? And just one last question... what good is the queen anyhow? She has no say it what happens in your government! She is just a figure for you to worship. That whole royal family thing is a joke, and all they do is loot you tax money. That queen lady has more money most governments! She could wipe out world hunger in some poor country and still have enough money lft over to wipe out cancer, aids, and bird flu. It would be cheaper for you all if you just kicked them out of that castle and put up a statue with some quite little story in stone.

Good Day chap!

 

[HardcoreGarrett]

Let the U.S. be as it is. It's on the road to self destruction. A country is only a super power other counties let it. From what I see is the U.S. only attacks weak counties and pays them for letting them bomb them. There got to be a cheaper way. Maybe the dakota's theres nothing there.

 

[Lathangrill]

So fun, and not so wrong.

Cars : American cars pollute a lot, are not as secure as European ones, and their suspension is too smooth :twisted: .
Army : French air force has a bad habit : kicking american butts during Red Flag with their small Mirage 2000-D (I don't advise anyone trying to invade Europe, we got nuke too) 8)
Guns : If you can't live without your gun, settle in a desert Island with other irresponsible people like you. 8O

And give us back Lady Liberty, you don't deserve it. :twisted:
Remember, I'm a french coward (go on flaming now) and we too have a long tradition of irony with our best british friends.

 

[plankmeister]

That's awesome. And in reply to the several people who've already commented... I thought it was funny that the first thing said was along the lines of "I'd love to see your bobby take my 9mm Beretta" HAHAHA.... This proves the point exactly. Beautifully demonstrated.

And that's absolutely laughable about the US taking out Europe in 10 days. LOL! Maybe the US would see-off a European invasion, but there's absolutely no way the US would even get close to succeeding with an invasion in Europe.

German cars being shit?!? Uhhhhmm.... OK, whatever you say. But I used to work for Avis rent-a-car for several years, and have driven pretty much every car that's been available between 2001 and 2005... And let me tell you... Americans can't make cars for shit. It's like driving a lump of wobbly jelly. I'd say Japanese cars are out in front, followed closely by European cars, then lagging some way behind are the U.S. efforts. (For further information, see The Good, The Bad and The Ugly)

But I do agree about the Queen. The entire concept of a royal family in these modern times is quite ridiculous. I'm British, but have absolutely no interest in supporting the monarchy.

/$0.02 (£0.01)

 

[weskurtz81]

Interesting thread,

So, we have alot of haters in here. Well, I have been all over the world, and, in my opinion, I would choose the US. Britain, what a dirty place when I was there in 04. I thought NYC was bad, but I was simply amazed by the amount of litter on the side of the roads, as well as abadonded vehicles. I guess the queen does not get out to much. They probably clean the highways up before she rolls through. Germany is much cleaner, but still has some issues. The most disgusting country by far would be Kuwait though.

Second, I like my freedom the way it is. Guns have many more uses than killing people. And, from what I have read multiple times, the British police are the ones who need the projectile weapons back.

And, I know many of you think the USA can do nothing right. But, we do get things right at times. We might not get it right every time.... but it happens. Just because you might live in country that doesn't do anything, have leadership that polls the public for what to do and follows it like a religion, doesn't mean that is the correct course of action. At times, making no decisions is much worse than making the wrong one.

For the vehicle subject. GIVE ME A BREAK. I have had experience with both BMW and Mercedes..... wow.... they have issues just like the rest of the auto makers. By far, the best vehicle experience I have had, would be with Japanese vehicles. Toyota might not have the as much technology in them as a BMW does, but, atleast they work as advertised. I don't care how many computers are in a car, if they only work half the time, or require a 12hr reload of software time after time at over $100 an hour, they are worthless. For true automotive expertise, see Japan.

Finally, rather than worry about a country that you do not live in, worry about fixing the problems in your own country, as we are trying to worry about ours. Sure, we have issues, as do all countries. Our issues might be different than the ones in your home country, but problems are problems. I would like to put it this way, if I choose to drive a Ford, let me drive my damn Ford.... you aren't paying for it, I am. And if you want to use the argument that we affect what happens in your country, blame your leaders for being puppets and not standing up for your sovereignty.

Sorry for ranting, the OP was humorous, but, the following posts started to hit a nerve. This crap can go back and forth for days, and in the end won't accomplish anything, so, lets get back to cpu's and such.


wes

 

[quantumsheep]

Please guys, stop being so offended! It's a piece of satire that's meant to be a laugh. You shouldn't take it so seriously! It equaly digs at the British and the Americans.

You Yanks take everything far too seriously, even your humour!

 

[weskurtz81]

Sheep,

Yours was fine, I was going to poke a little fun at you. But, you have the fanboy type people who came out of nowhere and started to attack as a follow on to your funny satirical post. I liked the original, and got a laugh out of it.... nothing was directed at you, just the people after you. I normally wouldn't care, but, I just got off of work and I am a little tired. So reading it irritated me a tad, due to exhaustion.

wes

 

[sprite]

99% of that is so damn true.

Especially the spelling, I mean, come on, spell properly dammit!

And thereis no such thing as "US English"

 

[harty23690]

If it wern't for some weird radicals back in the 18th century we'd own you.

Just like Canada, Australia, India and the rest of the British Empire.

 

[jamiepotter]

I guess all we Brits have to do before becoming worthy of having colonies is sort out our undemocratic electoral system, abolish all forms of class privilege (including the rather offensive institution of the monarchy), design our economic system so that large companies (and yes, that does mean 'corporations', who for some reason are allowed all the rights of an individual but without any of the responsibilities) can't avoid externalities (such as airline companies who don't pay the cost of their pollution), come up with a plan for ethnic integration, sort out the blame culture and the rot of our health and educational services, do something about our burgeoning underclass, come up with some decent television (we used to have shows starring Alec Guinness. Now, we have David Tennant...), come up with some films that aren't mockney gangster tripe or Four Weddings-esque shite, and, finally, kill the French once and for all!

(Only kidding about the French. Nous vous aimons vraiment.)

 

[JAYDEEJOHN]

Hey yall, I reckon this aint too cool. Like, can you imagine like bending your knee to the queen? Ya know? Like duuuuude, NO WAY. I will be moving ya know, cause like I aint staying in Canada south, so like its Kansas for me dude

 

[weskurtz81]

The English part is true of course. But, a quick question, do you guys need us to send some dentists over for training purposes? Had to, sorry. As far as the English is concerned, who cares. This is the case for more countries than just this one. Go to Mexico, or any other "Spanish" speaking country. Try different arabic countries. There are many different dialects. It's like this all over the world, not just here. SO, get off of it alreay, beating a dead horse here.

wes

Edit: If I were to meet someone from another country, I don't start railing them about how the country in which they live in sucks. But, one thing I have noticed, is many Europeans like to provoke that type of conversation out of Americans(with exception to the many European americans that I have befriended). When I have visited Europe.... and mainly Europe. The Europeans, as soon as it was obvious I was American, would start to harass me about problems with America, as if they live here and deal with it every day. Do you guys dwell on this, eat, sleep, and die hating America. It's really not a bad place to live. Sure, we have problems, but not one country in the world is free of problems.

 

[Pippero]

Guys, seriously.
Why taking time to reply to someone who defines himself a "... gun-carrying, military, conservative, redneck"?
I might be tempted to say, these are just some of the effects of several generations of inbreeding... :lol:
Oops.

PS: flames flames flames!! :twisted:

 

[Datman]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

Love it!!!





PS. try the general discussions section next time.

 

[harty23690]

However your languange is not a dialect of English. It is simply a bastardisation. I mean, what the hell is 'jello'?

Secondly - dentists - just because we don't want everyone to look exactly the same, that there isn't a prerequesite to be human, in having dead straight teeth, does not mean that we have crappy oral health. We just enjoy having some individuality.

 

[dmdallas]

If it wern't for some weird radicals back in the 18th century we'd own you.

Just like Canada, Australia, India and the rest of the British Empire.

Read:

If it wern't for some weird radicals back in the 18th century our army wouldn't have had our army raped up the butt and made to look like fools.

 

[harty23690]

our army wouldn't have had our army raped up the butt and made to look like fools.

[/quote]

Try making some sense next time

 

[dmdallas]

Another thing I thought you people might want to know about those wholesome potato chips (not crisps ) that were actually invented in the United States.

It is believed that the original potato chip recipe was created by Native American/African American chef George Crum, at Moon's Lake House near Saratoga Springs, New York on August 24, 1853.

- Wikipedia ( another amazing American invention.)

 

[weskurtz81]

LOL, nice rebuttal on the dentistry joke. Though, I still stand by my original statement.

Second, what you refer to as a bastardization of the original english language is present in every language, not just the English language. Look in your own country, as there are bastardizations of your language in your own country. This arguement sounds a bit hipocritical if you ask me.

At any rate, who the hell cares.... speak english the way you want.... and we will do the same. Don't worry about us, worry about yourself.

 

[Phanboy]

SNOPED
http://www.snopes.com/politics/satire/revocation.asp

Please close this thread.