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FREE BEER

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was
fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.

"Y'know" said the Scot, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow
there's a little bar called McTavish's where the owner will buy your 5th
drink after you buy 4."

"Well" said the Englishman, "at my local, the Red Lion, the barman there
will buy your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothing" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's
bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then
another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough they'll take
you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

The Englishman and the Scot immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims.
He swears every word is true.

"Well" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"

"No, not me personally," said the Irishman.
"But it did happen to me sister."

...*cries*...

I can't offer you more than a buck-fifty [/US$]

I'm sure Flatley will appreciate that one.

You're cheap

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.
She then asked if she could help the gentleman.
The man said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The man agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems and sever embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it."
The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."
When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can do is, 1/3 ownership of the shop, a company car, and $3,000 a month living expenses."

lol, now thats good, prob the dream film for you guys

Post op?

My bad. As Tom has taught us you're pure Pr!ck.

Leave the poor primate alone, he need our support.

Unfortunately i am scottish and only have experience with sheep in these matters and they don't ask for fcuk all.

7 pints??!?!

Geez, I never knew he could hold that much.

That would, what, double your body weight there AV?


+7 relative imbibatude capacity.

Seven?? Lets start with the two bottles of 12.5% continental fruit beer I had before I left the house, the three pints of Peroni and then five pints of Stella. My liver feels like it's been on work experience for a Scouse property tycoon.

He makes my M&P look macho.

When someone asks me if I can point them in the direction of a few cases of fruit beer that may have fell of a lorry, then I'll take it seriously. Until then I'll rest assured it's for mincers only.

A guy breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:
"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets
angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds:
"He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

A lot people could not afford that second plasma screen for the kitchen. Well not retail anyway.

I wouldn't liberate your bike unless I had a buyer waiting. A standard mountain bike I could sell anywhere quickly and be separated from the evidence as soon as possible.

Yes, but that is evidence of my innocence. The only crime committed there would have been not sorting out your gagging for it missus.

Park your bike next an 800lb gorilla. I bet they won't be ready for that...

And why would that be a bad idea? [/Irish] [/Scum]

I'd imagine that would be excruciatingly painful.

Back when I were a lad, I actually did a lot of marital arts and trained to fight with knives. We had a great instructor. He's make us fight with our coats on while wearing a backpack, and taught us to use anything available, e.g. dustbin lids.

None of this prancing around with karate suits and intense facial expressions.

Dustbin lids eh? Well if you are going to spend a lot of time in alleys with strange men, I can see how that would come in handy.

I am huge fan of using whatever comes to hand as a weapon if need be. I seen a friend twat some joker with the dog he'd just set about him.

I'd be more dangerous with a plastic spork than half the clowns that have come at me with a knife.

I'm not a fan of relying on any one formal style of fighting.

Imagine if you were only trained in one style and had only a limited knowledge of simple holds. Imagine you were regularly called upon to rely on them and believed they would actually help protect you time after time. Imagine how ridiculously stupid you'd have to be. Now imagine you have no friends.

Throw in a spot of racism and you are almost dibble.

Some aspects of martial arts have merit, but as Tom said, unless you're Mr Myagi, you're fcuked. Your opponent isn't going to assume the position and wait until you're ready. Simplest solution is to grab whatever you can and twat him first.

I've had a few fights in my time and they always end within a few seconds, because I go in right away and use whatever I can. That silly cnut who pulled a knife on me as I bumbled home pissed up one Christmas got the good news because he thought pulling knife put him in charge. I could tell, through the fog of many pints, that he was a muppet who thought I'd back off and do whatever he wanted. Wasn't me that ended up in hospital on the end of a severe beating, was it? (although I was described as the perp on the front page of the local newspaper. Bastard made out he was the victim. Don't suppose you can really say the the filth "yes officer, I was in the process of mugging some drunk when he slapped me one).

Still rankles with me that I never paid him a visit in hospital to finish the job.

Rob is absolutely correct. Speed, Aggression, Surprise. They are not just for assaulting embassies.

I'm a small guy, If if I'd let half the cnuts I've fought with land the first punch I wouldn't know much about!