The really bad joke thread!

Welcome to another addition of zippys really bad joke thread.
Post your bad jokes for everyone to enjoy!

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These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy,

"How have things been going?"

The second guy speaking very slowly tells the first guy,

"I w..a..s a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r..i..e..d."

The first guy says in amazement, "Hey; you don't stutter any more."

The answer comes, " Y..e..s, I w..e..n..t t..o a
d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e
t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k s..l..o..w..l..y I
w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r."

The first friend congratulates him and than asks again about how he was almost married.

"W..e..l..l, m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I
w..e..r..e s..i..t..t..i..n..g o..n h..e..r
p..o..r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s
s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d
I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e
a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d, s..h..e c..o u l d
d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e
t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y
f..a..c..e.."

"Why should she throw the ring in your face for that?" asks the first friend.

" W..e..l..l, I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y,
t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e
l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g, h..e
w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..l..l..s"

That was a great joke!!!

This one beats it hands down.

As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors. He had pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors. On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor.

His excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive. Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe's leg and fracturing his skull.

He was so upset and tried to sue the tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of it and told there was no liability and He could get lost!

You can imagine he was very annoyed with tractors after this and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.

All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were GONE.

Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face.

Joe asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her eyes sting and stream with tears.

With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew all the smoke out again. He goes back into the bar where the air is now clear and sweet and sits down next to the girl.

"That was amazing!" she said, "How did you do that?"

"No problem", said Joe

"I'm an ex-tractor fan"

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, "YEAH BABY! THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR!"

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look.
A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. "YEAH BABY! SHAKE THOSE THINGS."

Our friend turned around and said, "Hey buddy, calm down!"

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string. Again the man behind our friend yelled out, "OH BABY! YOU'RE ALMOST THERE!"

Our friend again turned around and said, "Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!"

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, "Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now"?

The guy responded, "It's on your back, dude."

A carpenter gets called to do some work at the local house of ill repute. The madam of the house explains that she wants him to build a partition to divide one of the larger rooms into two smaller rooms.

The carpenter spends all day building the partition and when he's done he gives the madam a bill for $300.

The madam smiles and says, "We usually pay all our bills around her in trade."

"Sorry ma'am" replies the carpenter, "it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"

"But you can have some fun with any girl here," explains the madam. "That's worth more than $300"

"Sorry ma'am," replies the carpenter, 'it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"

"But my girls can fulfill your every desire. Choose any girl you like."

The carpenter thinks a while and then says,

"You said any girl I want. Does that include you?"

The madam smiles seductively, "Why yes of course" and she starts to disrobe.

Once she is naked on the bed the carpenter slowly and gently inserts his thumb deep into her 'front opening'

She sighs and moans with pleasure.

Then the carpenter carefully inserts his middle finger deep into her 'rear opening'

The madam is writhing in ecstasy

Then the carpenter suddenly clamps his thumb and finger together and says,

"Like I was saying, it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered.

Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle"
said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure, sure" says George, "Let's go!"

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say -

"Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am..."

Damn right, be proud of that at least.

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.

The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever happened around here?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of anything else exciting that happened?"

After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let try something else. What's the most terrible thing that ever happened around here?"

The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up timidly at the young man and said,

"I got lost once."

A trucker was driving thru Wyoming when he got caught in a terrible blizzard. As luck would have it he happened upon a small town where he could seek refuge. As he sat in the local bar, he turned to the bartender and said 'Damn, Ive been on the road a long time, got any pussy in this town?" to which the bartender replied "'Fraid not friend, but we do have 'Ol Wong over there" The trucker quickly retorted "O hell no, I dont go for that ***."

A few days pass, and the storm maintains all its fury. The trucker is really starting to get pent up, so he asks the bartender "Are you sure theres no pussy around here? You guys have to poke something?" The bartender calmly replied "No women in these parts friend, but if your feeling frisky, we can get Ol Wong there to take care of ya" The trucker stuck to his guns, "No way, I don't go for that ***."

Now a week had passed since the trucker was caught in the storm, and there were no signs of it letting up, so in desperation the trucker said to the bartender, "Now, I dont go for that ***, but lets say I was to take a shot at Ol Wong there, what would it cost me?" The bartender replied "It costs $50 to get a piece of of Ol Wong." "$50! That seems pretty damn steep." the trucker replied, "How in the hell do you justify that price?" The bartender looked him in the eye and said "Well, thats $25 for me, and $25 for my brother. We're gonna have to catch and hold 'Ol Wong down, he don't go for that *** either!"

After a sexual harassment incident at work, Zippy is sent to a Psychiatrist for evaluation.

The Doctor explains that he'll be showing Zippy a series of inkblot images called Rorschach Inkblots.

Doctor: "Now Zippy as I reveal each image tell me the first thing that comes to mind okay."

Zippy: "Sure, I got it."

The doctor shows the first pattern.

Doctor: "What do you see?"

Zippy: "A women with really big tits."

Next image.

Zippy: "A man and a women screwing."

Next image

Zippy: "A women performing oral sex on a guy."

The doctor puts down the images and says, "Zippy you seem to have an obsession with sex."

Zippy: "Me! Hell Doc, you're the one with all the dirty pictures."

No, you picked up that tag following the unfortunate incident with your mother in a delivery theatre..

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!

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A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, "Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too."

"No, a straw," says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, "Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already

Once upon a time there was a young man who was so ugly that he couldn't get a date, let alone laid. However he did not know what was wrong with him, so he decides to go see the local Chinese doctor for a consultation.

"Oh, Dr. Wu! Please help me! I have asked a hundred girls out and all were busy washing their hair! What is the matter?"

To which Dr. Wu replies, "Aaaah, so! Please to take off pants & shorts!"

Young man: "Huh?? Well, OK if you insist..."

Dr. Wu: "Aaah, so! Now please to turn around, bend over, put head between knees and look at me!"

Young man: "WHAT? What kind of doctor are you? Oh well, just this once I suppose"

Dr. Wu: "Aaah, so! You have Zachary Disease. Please pay fifty dollar and go home!"

Young man: "GASP!! Zachary's Disease!! Please tell me, what is Zachary's Disease??"

Dr. Wu: "Ahhh, so! You face rook zachary rike you ahhh-so. Now pay fifty dollar and GO HOME!"

Wal-Mart has everything !


One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.'

'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies.

'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.'

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.

He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

'You have tennis elbow... Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.'

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!

thanks

hmmm...

interesting...

Joke:

What do you call gay men in wheelchairs?


Rolaids

A policeman is walking his beat when he finds a totally drunk man collapsed against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his hands. He's moaning over and over, 'They took my car! they took my car! '

Seeing he is quite well dressed, the cop thinks he may have a real case of theft on his hands and proceeds to question the man.

"What seems to be the trouble sir?"

"My car, it was right here on the end of my key, and those bastards stole it! Please ossifer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; right on my key!

"OK, OK, stand up, let's get some more information. (he stands the man up, and notices his penis is hanging out).

"Er . . excuse me sir, but your dick is hanging out, would you please put that thing away!"

The man looks down, sees his prick hanging there and screams,

"Oh my God! they stole my girlfriend too!"

A huge bodybuilder meets a woman at a bar, and after a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says,

"See there, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs,

"See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!"

She is aching for action at this point. Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to run out the door, and asks,

"Why are you in such a hurry to leave?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite, and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...

"The Meaning of Dreams"