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"Taemon" <Taemon@zonnet.nl> wrote in message
news:35cnfrF4l37rdU1@individual.net...
> Fawnhawk wrote:
>> Being literal, I always think about whether my behavior
>> caused a plus or minus above someone's head. It has
>> really helped me guide my behavior and what I will say
>> (such as whether being honest would be more harmful than
>> helpful).
>
> But how do you know in advance whether it will be a plus or a
> minus?
My mom and I would discuss how my behavior affected her after I did
something undesirable, but it never really sunk in because I had no literal
key to relate it to, no guide I could follow. Once I obtained these visual
cues, the puzzle of it all came together instantly.
I am learning to recognize that there is a combined energy or mood when two
or more people are together in a room. It is not just my mood or just the
other person's mood. This awareness probably also came about from playing
The Sims and seeing how they behaved when other people did things in the
room. Now that is even more helpful with The Sims 2, having the sims be
aware of things happening around them.
I am aware that if I say something (usually a fact such as correcting
someone or a truth about something) that will affect their mood as well as
the overall combined mood. The really difficult part that I didn't realize
was that while their personal mood might go back to normal, the combined
mood will stay lower because of the undesired behavior I did.
Depending on what I say or do and how strong it was, that combined mood can
stay lower for hours, days or months, so I am learning to *see* what it is I
did to this mood and how I can fix it. Using the pluses and minuses as a
visual and literal guide helps me see what is going on better. I have also
had the mood bar display in my mind (about the other person) while I was
doing something undesireable and watch it go down from green to red. It is
amusing to me that I can now understand what I am doing by these visual
cues. I will never see how I affect people by looking their nonverbal
behavior (because I can't integrate the behavior that I observe and have it
mean something useful to me), so these visual cues are a good substitute.
I don't know in advance what will happen, so I still end up saying or doing
things that are undesireable, but afterwards I recognize what I did and can
fix it and not do it as much. An example is that I used to be rigid about
people picking me up right at the time they said they would. There is
absolutely no reason to be late unless something unexpected happens. When
my mom would be late and I would get into the car, I would be upset and ask
her why she was late and discuss why I needed her to be on time and why she
saw it as unimportant to be on time. This lowered the combined mood, even
though it is something important to me.
Eventually, I realized that the focus of my being with her, was to enjoy our
time together and just be together. When I saw that and saw (using the
pluses and minuses) what I was doing to it by being rigid, I stopped acting
rigid about the time. I also realized that life isn't about being so rigid,
life changes. Since my focus is on being with her and not the time, I was
able to see past her being late and get into the car with a good mood
instead of an upset one. I will still prefer people be on time (my mind is
still rigid about it), but if they are only a couple minutes late, I don't
need to say anything (behavior is not rigid)because I understand that the
mood is more important; I am more socially aware in that aspect.
What is difficult is that while people might think I am now acting more
normal, I am only compensating by using my intellect and visual cues. I
will still have the literal thoughts about people's behavior and confusion
and feelings about those behaviors, but now understand why not to say
anything. So I am not less autistic, I just compensate and behave better.
>> I have learned *how* to imagine what way my behavior affected
>> them, even though they may not directly show me or tell me they have
>> been affected.
>
> Which is what empathic people do automatically, of course. A neat
> trick, I must say. But how does it work? Does it remind you to
> imagine their reactions or something?
By seeing the plus, it tells me they are likely enjoying themselves (just
like in the sims) and the minus tells me they are likely negatively affected
by my behavior and thus unhappy or uncomfortable. The signs help me put the
situation into a organized pattern that I can understand. The mood bar
display is a pattern I can understand and respond to. A frown, folded arms,
turning away, etc is not a pattern I can understand and so I can't respond
appropriately to it.
I basically have to learn what behaviors will coincide with the pluses and
minuses. Yelling usually would cause a minus sign, acting rigidly causes a
minus sign, saying "you look beautiful" to my mom causes a plus sign, etc.
I learned to compliment my mother sometimes, using this pattern, which is
great. I don't understand compliments, but I understand the pattern.
Again, I may appear to be acting more normal, when I am just compensating by
using my intellect and the patterns I created and understand.
PbHd.13097$GG1.2632@text.news.blueyonder.co.uk...
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