What do you think? Moral Question

[englandr753]

This is a thread about a moral decision on handling my son on the upgrades that I gave to him as a surprise. This is the deal. He's 21, lives with his grandma, has a 2007 Mustang GT paid for (by grandma), no job, didn't finish school and is not making any moves to improve anything in his life.

He has been playing WOW for a long time now, yes this explains a lot. His previous configuration was the following components:

ASUS K8V-X-SE 754 socket motherboard
Athlon 64 3200+
EVGA 7800GS (actually a nice card for agp)
1g ddr 3200
120g SATA hard drive
Windows XP

His power supply went bad and took out the motherboards ability to use SATA hard drives. I had an issue with my media center setup and changed the mobo and cpu so I had a spare motherboard and cpu I could use in his system along with ddr2 memory.

I upgraded him to the following: Keep in mind these are spare parts

Coolermaster 550 psu
Gigabyte MA790X-UD4P mobo
Phenom II 940 x4 quad cpu
1g ddr2 ram

The rest are old components but work fine. I deliver this setup to him 2 days ago. He hooks it up to his 42" lcd tv and commences to setup his programs. I didn't have my phone on me all day and late tonight there are 30 calls where he tried to call me. I call him back and he has issues with the drivers not showing installed for the video card or the motherboard. I agree to meet him and take the pc back and work on it for the next day to get it going again.

This is where the reason for my post comes in. He says to me with a bit of an attitude that he didn't know why I didn't give him all his stuff (driver disks and windows cd) and that he could have had it fixed tonight. I forgot to include the driver cd and he lost his copy of windows xp and I used one of my copies (temporarily with the intentions to get windows 7 soon). I told him to be glad he has such a nice hardware configuration and that it will be fixed in a day or two. He says he didn't really care and that his old stuff would be fine, he just wanted a working pc.

His attitude sucked in my opinion and my 1st reaction is to gut out the system and put his old components back in it and get an IDE hard drive to work around the issue with the motherboard. I am giving him 350.00 worth of components and all he has for me tonight when I met him to pick the pc back up to fix it is attitude.

I understand the frustration he went through trying to get it to work but he has no clue about what it takes to get what I gave him and I want to teach him a lesson to be more careful what you say as someone may give you what you ask for and to respect and appreciate a fine gift no matter how big or small.

I am venting and anyone that wants to give their input please go ahead.

Thanks...

 

[RIOTinYOURcity]

Get his ass in the Marines!
Problem solved

 

[batuchka]

Ask him to get a part time job to fuel his 'wants' and get a Dell (preferably with extended on site warranty) before he gains more wisdom both about hardware and life?

 

[Why_Me]

I never got into WoW..thank god. I hear it's like crack cocaine. If I can't shoot someone, or blow them up...I don't play it.

Maybe if you sat down and had a talk with him and asked him what his goals are...if he has any. Some kids that age still aren't sure what direction to take, so you might talk him into getting his GED / diploma and see if he's interested in a trades school (construction / maintenance) or some other direction he might be interested in.

 

[megamanx00]

In the words of the Offspring

"I won't pay, I won't paaaya, no wa a a ay. Nah nah why don't you GET A JOB!"

Give him the old IDE hard drive. If he things he can fix something like that himself then next time go ahead and let him try. You're not doing him any favors by just giving him stuff. He needs to learn that if he want's something, he should work for it. Once he understand that that then he can appreciate what people give him especially if they worked for it.

 

[dirtmountain]

Part of the problem is your son is feeling disappointed in himself, this isn't how he wants to be living his life. He wanted to be able to get the system up and running, show he was capable of doing it, but he didn't have the parts he needed to get it done and it just added to his feeling of failure. Get the system up and running, maybe do the final work on it with him. I know it's tough, but you've done the right thing for your son. Good luck with it.

 

[Why_Me]

Part of the problem is your son is feeling disappointed in himself, this isn't how he wants to be living his life. He wanted to be able to get the system up and running, show he was capable of doing it, but he didn't have the parts he needed to get it done and it just added to his feeling of failure. Get the system up and running, maybe do the final work on it with him. I know it's tough, but you've done the right thing for your son. Good luck with it.

+1 for that post

 

[englandr753]

Thanks for all of your opinions. A lot of wisdom here from all angles. I told him when I gave it to him this is his birthday and Christmas early, so in that regards I probably shouldn't go back on my word. It just disappointed me to hear him talk to me in the way he did and it was hurtful and made me angry at the same time.

If I reacted on my first instinct it would have been to rip out the stuff and get the old IDE hard drive and tell him to be careful what he asks for. I didn't want to over react so that's why I posted this thread.

I have talked to him about what his goals are in life and his grandmother seems to undermine any reason he would need to achieve those goals by giving him everything he wants and needs. The last 3 times she and I talked about it I ended up giving her the hammer because she is so confused and wont listen. She complains about him but then turns around and fuels the problem. I tried to get him away from her and get him into my house but he knows that I won't put up with any BS so he didn't want to come. His mother and I divorced when he was 4 and she did nothing but talk bad about me and sleep with everyone she met. Shes now married to a con artist with a rap sheet a mile long and doesn't talk to my son or her mother and lives 100 yards down the street from them. She is a huge part of his problem and I have tried to tell him as much wrong as she has done to not hate her.

There was a lot more to this than I originally posted but it was late and I was tired.
I didn't want to write a novel and deter anyone from reading either so I tried to keep it short.

I don't typically give him stuff for no reason. We occasionally go out for dinner and/or watch a movie and I pay for it. That's about it so when he had this computer problem I wrestled with the idea of doing this for him and I justified it by it being an early gift. After all a 754 socket gaming system is torture in itself, lol.

Also, we finally got him to take a shot at getting his GED and he finished it. I noticed he didn't come forth with the results until 3 weeks afterward and I knew he had failed as he would have told us immediately. This was another blow to his self esteem.

My dad dropped me off at my uncles construction site when I was 14 and I worked every since. He wasn't as fortunate as his grandfather died about 3 years ago with cancer and he was in line to work in his steel company. The company fell apart and now he plays WOW for a living.

Although I strongly agree with everyone posts above I think dirtmountain and why_me hit the nail on the head. I will have another talk to him about his goals and finishing school no matter what decision I make as I have done this many times. As much as he makes me want to give up talking to him sometimes, that is the last thing I need to do.

Thanks for all of your opinions guys. Your time is valuable and I appreciate you sharing it with me on this issue.

 

[Jack64]

Don't give up.....Young men and women are worth not giving up on. I have 2 children, a boy 24 in dallas going to AMI. Took him till he was 22 to decide laying asphalt in the summer on a 105 degree day wasn't a life he wanted. I didn't have to fight a grandmother that gave him everything though.....thats a tough one. However...I do believe in not giving up as long as there is a chance that they can be something. My daughter is 20 and still doesn't seem to know what she wants to do.....very frustrating!!!!! Been working since I was 13 and seems some kids these days think the world owes them a life (both of mine seem to be in this catagorie) I won't give up.....but I am thinking that some tough love is going to get served up to both of mine before all is said and done. While I didn't have a grandmother who gave all to them,,,,I did have a wife and grandmother whom were and still are feakin marshmellows when it comes to the way I want to teach them lifes lessons. I may be wrong but I believe in taking the time and opertunity to let them take an occational fall and let them deal with the consequences in order to learn from it. Case in point.....daughter 19 decides her and a little friend will make a beer run and steal 2 30 packs...got caught!!! called me at 2:30 am crying from jail...told her to have a good night and went back to sleep. Next day got a call at 6:30 pm from the jail to come pick her up....guess what....SHE learned a very valuable lesson.....turned her attitude around and she's flyin straight now....tough love can work wonders. Thats the way I learned is for every action there is a reaction....break the rules and suffer the consequinces!! Wife wasn't happy....but the daughter learned a lesson. And she had to pay the fines herself and do the community service.....she paid it by the time the judge told her so it didn't go on her record.

 

[englandr753]

Great story. I feel your pain and I know what you mean about kids these days thinking they should have what took you 20 years to get.My son has some lessons from the school of hard knocks coming his way and he will hopefully understand where I'm coming from one day.

Good luck with your kids. It's one of the toughest challenges in life to do and do correctly...

 

[pluke the 2]

I too, am 21 years of age, but I can relate to his frustrations as I put my mother through it when she was supporting me. It has a lot to do with impatience and immaturity. I to this day still struggle putting together a brand new rig, and when problems arise, I get very frustrated and starting slamming in all random parts to try and resolve the issue. Frustration can't be blamed. Only time will make him appreciate.

 

[Jack64]

Ya know....You said a mouthfull Pluke. The way I see it...immaturity is kind of like a drug....like an addict. It can eat away at your self esteam and take you down...and the First step to recovery is admission and acknowledgment of the problem. You my friend are like the rest of adults are a recovering immature person....I DO have relapses and sometimes, I just have to look back at them and laugh my ass off at how stupid I was!! Sometimes you can't see the forrest for the trees!!!! Ya got to step back and take stock from a distance! And I'm 45 yrs old! LOL Kind of like the caption under my pic......LOL

 

[Niklas_13]

I never got into WoW..thank god. I hear it's like crack cocaine. If I can't shoot someone, or blow them up...I don't play it.

Maybe if you sat down and had a talk with him and asked him what his goals are...if he has any. Some kids that age still aren't sure what direction to take, so you might talk him into getting his GED / diploma and see if he's interested in a trades school (construction / maintenance) or some other direction he might be interested in.

I never got into WoW..thank god. I hear it's like (crack cocaine.) < This is so true to some people, I played wow 10 to 12 hours a day almost lost my wife kids job ect.

you get hooked into the next level next raid next epic weapon next next next XP pack 0-60 60-70 70-80 ect then back to more raids for better weapons ect.

if you dont play you get left behind then you cant go on raids with your friends ect, You are always trying to chase the first high.

Anyways some people have addictive habbits ect if its a game drugs sex what not. There is something missing i think in his life he needs to find to get him back on the right path

Maybe you and him need to sit down and talk to someone to help get it out

GL and best wishes

It really might of been he couldnt play wow for that time and was having withdraws

 

[skora]

Has he always had an attitude of entitlement or just lost in the crowd and in game has a chance to make his own identity? I know I've fallen victim to game addictions because I valued my identity in the game more than my real life identity. All my time and effort was put into my game of choice at the time. (If you ask my wife, helping answer questions here is my new game and I'm addicted to THG.) Also with gaming addiction, take it away, and the anxiety that can build could explain his attitude towards a delayed, but better working PC.

If he's having identity issues, he needs to be put in situations and experiences outside his radar to figure out who he is and what he wants. While there's jokes and realistic undertones to throwing him in the Marines, that's probably not the way to go. But if the financial support is there so he doesn't have to work, talk to him about something like city year or the peace corpse. Best gift you could probably give him.

 

[ohiou_grad_06]

Maybe spend time with him and show him how to repair things. It might be what he needs. I was a 15-17 year old kid or so, and I loved playing video games, at 28 I still like them, lol. But back then for Christmas, my parents got me a new pc, a whopping 200 mhz amd k6, back in the days when that was almost the fastest thing you could lay your hands on.

Of course I played games, so I was always trying to tweak things. Of course we upgraded with a bigger HDD, more ram, etc. But eventually, dad and I built our next pc. Ever since it's been something we just do. We actually teamed up with a couple of guys from our church and put together a couple of computers, one for running multimedia, the other for recording the services into mp3 format. Of course we built a few for our household in between. I got out of high school, and didn't know exactly what I wanted to do, but I knew I liked games, decided to try programming games, but that drove me nuts, so I got into networking, which led into IT.

Now at 28, after graduating college a few years ago, I am blessed enough to have gotten a job in IT. Had to slog it out in Walmart for a while, but now I have pretty much my dream job. I'm in my 3rd year of marriage, as well as going on my 2nd year working for a school district. I LOVE it! Today in fact I just took apart an iBook g4 laptop to replace a dvd rom drive. But my point is, I have something I enjoy doing, and I have an awesome job with a pension plan, as well as a decent salary especially considering I live in a small town and live 5 minutes from work, literally.

But I started out as a kid playing video games, much like your son, then I wanted to figure out how to make things move faster, and of course as I tinkered around, I messed up settings, etc. But that's how you learn right? Your son has something he enjoys doing, turn it around and use it to his advantage. I will also say, I agree with some guys above, when you are young and feel like life has no meaning or purpose for you, that's depressing. Maybe if you can use this as a way to spend time with him and to show him how things work and how you fix things, maybe he will learn and want to know more.

 

[englandr753]

Wow, very nice feedback. Its amazing how many people find themselves in similar situations as many others. I'm glad I made this post as I see how people here can relate and give advice in ways that make you see things from several angles.

No matter how old you get you can always learn something from others and I can say I appreciate the feedback from everyone here and its helping me to assess this situation and better handle it without making rash decisions.

Thanks again everyone for your time and opinions, its very much appreciated!