Is Intel is a target for ferocious aliens?

[amdfangirl]

Intel is a target for ferocious aliens 21/1/11
Scientists at the United Nations Global Defence Initiative (UNGDI) has declared a warning over a possible attack from aliens after reviewing the 2009 documentary “Mass Effect” produced by Bioware Corp. Intel Corp. the largest manufacturer of x86-compatible CPUs has been nominated as the most likely target of aliens by the United Nations.

They view Intel as the pinnacle of lazy programmer technology, from their point of view, if they can destroy it, software engineers may actually have to stop writing sloppy bloated unoptimised code. Losing high performance CPUs, would devastate our bloated and unoptimised contemporary software such as upcoming Vista II: ME edition causing the world to revert to an essentially functionally equivalent but less bloated software like Windows XP.”

A particularly fanatic AMD fanboi interviewed by Faux News commented that:

Everyone, even aliens know that AMD offers the best value microprocessor in the galaxy, so who would ever hurt AMD?.

In response to comment the UNGDI scientist commented that:

Given the circumstances, AMD would likely be enslaved by the aliens to create x86 compatible CPUs for free (for the aliens) to create a whole new era of affordable alien computing

Following that comment, Alienware, a subsidiarity of Dell Inc. has decided to sue the aliens in the event on an alien invasion, much in the same way Apple sued God over copyright of the apple claiming the ancient fruit violated the copyright of Saint Steve himself.

When asked about the security of the planet with no viable x86 processors, the United Nations told Faux News to look for the 3rd party x86 compatible CPU maker, VIA. Sceptical about how a VIA could actually make an impact to anything in the big picture, we contacted VIA's headquarters in Taiwan. When asked about what it could do in the threat of an alien invasion, VIA's PR responded:

For home users, VIA's propitiatory PadLock feature on selected VIA Nano CPUs will ensure your family's photos and memories will be safe and encrypted, while aliens murder and commit genocide to everyone in the world. Rest assured, knowing pesky aliens can't misuse your memories so you can go to your nominated heaven or hell of choice in peace.

For defence and private enterprise, VIA's propitiatory “Ion Cannon” orbital laser system will ensure you can annihilate the alien threat, and your neighbour while also saving the environment. VIA's propitiatory Eco-Green technology ensures that the “Ion Cannon” has a max power consumption of 21000kW making it the most energy efficient orbital laser cannon to run on a single AAA battery.

VIA's new “Ion Cannon” appears to be as scarce as the fabless firm's Nano-series of CPUs and was not found anywhere at CES.

Intel has not yet responded to this news-story.

by amdfangirl
Editor of the fine cuisine section

Due to the notable handicap of not actually being a company, I regret to inform you this (if you haven't figured it out) is a hoax. All quote and comments were not actually said by any of the parodied companies. Thank you for wasting your time.
We hope you have enjoyed being distracted long enough so that we can fire the Ion Cannon.

 

[g00fysmiley]

a death ray made by via would probably not be powerful enough to singe the ends of the wings of a fly ... just saying ... they make weak products >_<

 

[1965ohio]

Maybe Intel is working on a deathstar and AMD is working on the puny deathray. That's why the aliens will attack them. LOL

 

[amdfangirl]

a death ray made by via would probably not be powerful enough to singe the ends of the wings of a fly ... just saying ... they make weak products >_<

Assuming you can buy them

 

[1965ohio]

Intel is good at innovation... they are just lazy about implementing it without redesigning everything from the ground up each time. They want people to buy new sockets and chipsets every year to keep the cash flowing. AMD wants your loyalty, so they are willing to invest their development into not screwing end users. We can hold on to AMD boards longer, and they care a lot about backwards compatibility. I don't see why Intel is the king of the CPU market. Since I moved to China, the people here don't use credit cards and waste their pocket money. They prefer to pay cash for their houses and cars. Intel is either for the super rich, or super in debt. Especially companies that want to invest in machines with a long support schedule and fair prices. To a 16 year old kid playing battlefield 2 all day and didn't use his own money to pay for his computer, sure Intel is the latest tech. But for IT professionals, business, or gamers who actually have jobs in the day and game at night... $2000 a year for a new Intel rig is insane. Must be nice to have a rich daddy or a $100 an hour job to support your Crysis machine.

If Aliens wanted to attack, it would be because Intel is so rich and controls all the mindless people with too much money. If they control Intel, they can control all the poeple who play WoW for 5 days straight without a meal or a shower. Soon the earth would be covered by Intel zombies that would fight the Aliens after the WoW servers shut down... LOL

So now we got Aliens, Intel gaming zombies, and what can the AMD people do? I'll have to figure that one out.

 

[g00fysmiley]

^ but you at least agree via is a terrible company and a waste of an x86 lic right?

*edit clarify

 

[1965ohio]

Terrible company... not terrible, just too darn greedy. But all those who gain power are afraid to lose it, even Intel. They have to come out with more and more crap to keep people confused and not buy AMD which marketing and code is understandable. Just like the netburst days, trying to confuse clockspeed with real speed. They are marketing geniuses, and also they are good at raping people every year... but don't blame Intel that people line up again each year for their next pounding.

 

[omnisome]

This is a funny post for TH. AMD/nVidia for life.

 

[1965ohio]

I don't think consumers can blame Intel really. If you are a hot girl, and you walk down a dark alley at night and someone robs you or rapes you... is it your fault for walking down the alley at night in the wrong part of town? Or the criminals fault...? Intel is just good at marketing ploys and keeping the prices high enough... I'm not saying they are good, I am just saying people are stupid and like to waste money, and without Intel driving the market for constant change, maybe the people with too much money to spend stop wasting it on computers every year and their market share will go down the toilet. So who's fault is it? Intel's fault for killing sockets every year and pounding you in the backside? Or is it the consumers fault for walking down that alley? LOL

 

[kinth]

if intel built a deathstar amd would build a luke skywalker for fairly cheap. hes not the best pilot in the world and has father issues but he would fly into that tiny hole in intels death star called budget and blow it up then via would make jaja binks and we will all be united in hate for via.

 

[1965ohio]

If someone at Intel could just edit Episode 1-3 to completely remove Jar Jar, then I will pledge myself to their evil teachings. LOL

 

[1965ohio]

AMD is more like Anakin. Intel leads the market like the master and is holding them back. One day maybe they will lose their head and put out a chip that cuts Intel down, and we can call them Emperor of the Best Buy showroom.

Side note... they don't need to remove Jar Jar... they need to add a scene of Anakin slowly torturing him, then cut off his head. Then I will like Episode 1-3.

 

[kinth]

apple are like the sand raiders they just wait on the outskirts to steal everyones ideas then claim they invented it sell it for 3x the price and tell you they restrict it for your own safety and that its illegal to modify your new apple ipodracer when it isn't

 

[jsc]

And I thought I had waay to much time on my hands.

 

[kinth]

And I thought I had waay to much time on my hands.

you do. you jsut dont put it to good use.

 

[1965ohio]

apple are like the sand raiders they just wait on the outskirts to steal everyones ideas then claim they invented it sell it for 3x the price and tell you they restrict it for your own safety and that its illegal to modify your new apple ipodracer when it isn't

I think you got the sand people confused with the Jawas. Apple is the Jawa people. They go around selling outdated junk in a new box, steal ideas from all parties, then claim they made it. Then they sell it for 3 times the price. LOL

 

[amdfangirl]

And I thought I had waay to much time on my hands.

You know I'm crazy.

 

[g00fysmiley]

And I thought I had waay to much time on my hands.

he has the empty lotion bottle to prove it... err i mean >_<

sorry just had to throw a zinger ... now feel free to make fun of my athlon II x4 640 or somethign for retaliation... or if you ant it to be personal i have two small dogs... a 5 lb pomeranian and a 7 lb yorkie... thats a good place to start

 

[kinth]

I think you got the sand people confused with the Jawas. Apple is the Jawa people. They go around selling outdated junk in a new box, steal ideas from all parties, then claim they made it. Then they sell it for 3 times the price. LOL

isn't it wierd how star wars is a metaphore for everything im not even a big fan of star wars :S

 

[1965ohio]

Star Wars can be a metaphor for everything cause George Lucas actually wrote metaphors into it based on things around him. Like Anakin being conceived of the force to a virgin mother because of prophecy... sounds like a little like he got that idea during Bible study. LMAO

 

[MRFS]

The aliens have already started moving the magnetic North Pole
which will ultimately flip all binary digits throughout the Milky Way:

HEHE

0s become 1s
and
1s become 0s
(but simultaneously)

The aliens will then hold us hostage with the antidote algorithm,
until we release Carrie Fisher to them, complete with her original
Star Wars costume:

http://www.google.com/images?hl=en&q=%22jabba+the+hut%22&um=1&ie=UTF-8&source=univ&ei=dp84Tf26PIO8sAOs4939Ag&sa=X&oi=image_result_group&ct=title&resnum=2&ved=0CDUQsAQwAQ&biw=1280&bih=582

Jabba the Hut gets to stay and supervise Earth Changes.

(TO BE CONTINUED ...)


MRFS

 

[1965ohio]

I don't see why anyone is worried about Aliens, Intel vs AMD or Star Wars metaphors.... don't you know the magnetic poles shifting is the first sign that the world will end on December 21, 2012... around 11am EST... give or take a few hours... LOL

 

[kinth]

Star Wars can be a metaphor for everything cause George Lucas actually wrote metaphors into it based on things around him. Like Anakin being conceived of the force to a virgin mother because of prophecy... sounds like a little like he got that idea during Bible study. LMAO

george lucas is scum we all know he likes to rape his characters! did you see kingdom of the crystal skull ! they even sued him for it on south park if only we could do that in real life