Thanks for the advice. I've already waited this long for my build, what's another weekend?
Newegg is next-day shipping a new one at their expense (except it's a holiday weekend, so I won't be able to build until Tuesday.) Hopefully the third time is the charm. Otherwise, I'll never be going the AMD route again. I hope I'm not being a drama queen, but two dirty "brand new" CPUs in a row is just.. odd. I expected a higher level of quality from AMD.