I ran the tests listed in this thread (
http://www.tomshardware.com/forum/261145-31-perform-ste...), results below:
1. I've actually read the mobo manual more times than is probably healthy.
2. CPU power connector is correctly seated at both ends (my PSU is fully modular).
3. Mobo standoffs are present and all level.
4. Video card has been reseated countless times and each time I make sure it's in properly.
5. Both PCI-E power connectors are seated firmly into the video card.
6. See below for the detailed results of my RAM tests -- but in short, I can't get the system to POST whether I have zero sticks, one, or two, and regardless of which slots they're in.
7. RAM has been reseated several times and is firmly clicked in on both ends.
8. RAM sticks are seated in the correct slots.
9. No plastic guard is present over CPU socket.
10. CPU has been cleaned and reinstalled correctly.
11. No bent pins are present on the CPU and all capacitors on the mobo appear to be okay (we did just replace one recently, but it hasn't blown up or leaked or anything).
12. Thermal paste has been applied only where it needs to go; it's been cleaned carefully off of everything else that it accidentally touched. I am currently using Arctic Silver 5 and followed AS' instructions to the letter, including tinting both the CPU cap and the heatsink base.
13. System will not POST regardless of whether the CPU fan is plugged in or not (and I know the CPU header is fine, and I've tried three different fans that all work, so it's not that). The heatsink is large enough to cool passively, regardless.
14. Was not using a stock cooler, but there's nothing obstructing the interfacing between the CPU and the heatsink except thermal paste, anyway.
15. No loose screws, and nothing is jammed under or around the mobo; I've pulled all wires clear and tied them in place.
16. I don't have an anti-static wrist strap, but I've made sure to touch the metal base of the case with my bare arm, with the power cable plugged in, whenever handling internal components.
17. System speaker is installed (that's what's causing the clicks).
18. Right now I'm only testing with the PWR, RST, and speaker leads connected, but even when everything is (correctly) connected, I still have the same problem.
19. The PSU switch is on whenever I actually want to turn it on. I've been doing a lot of switch-off-do-stuff-switch-back-on tests, but I can hear and see the system powering on, so the PSU is operational.
20. The BIOS that I tried to downgrade to was the one I was using before (the backup I made before upgrading it beforehand), and this chip ran on that BIOS version without issue for years. So yes, it's supported.
21. CMOS has been reset, to no avail. Mind you, I couldn't complete Gigabyte's recommended process for doing this, because there's a bit you have to do in the BIOS, and I can't get to that point. But I did remove and replace the battery with the power disconnected. There's no jumper to mess with, unfortunately.
22. No integrated video. With or without the video card, it doesn't work.
23. I've unplugged and replugged everything inside the case multiple times now, each time ensuring a tight fit and a click where necessary; this includes all of the power leads going into the PSU.