Time for today's MSNBC sucks thresd update
Atlas Shrugged opens in theaters nationwide Friday. Its theme is that free enterprise creates prosperity and government control creates poverty. So many conservatives will be flocking to see this movie that theater owners are renting out the lobbies for gun shows.
The L.A. Public Library moved its computers across the room so people watching porn aren't visible to children at the checkout desk. City officials said people have a constitutional right to watch porn in a library. Roman Polanski is starting to think it's safe to come home.
Hugh Hefner celebrated his eighty-fifth birthday Thursday a week before he marries twenty-four-year-old Krystal Harris. He said he takes Viagra twice a week. For Hugh Hefner to take Viagra is like placing a brand-new flag pole on top of a condemned building.
The Saudi royal family announced plans Monday to build the world's first mile-high skyscraper for twelve billion dollars. It's going to be financed with five-dollar-per-gallon gasoline. Americans are so angry over higher oil prices we may fly a plane into it ourselves.
Nancy Pelosi accused the GOP of encouraging Americans to simply give up and die at home. Do we die on garbage day, lawn day or recycling day? California environmental law only permits human remains to be thrown away in the recycling bin if you are a Hindu.
The Masters put on a thriller Sunday starring Australians Jason Day and Adam Scott and Englishman Luke Donald and Northern Ireland's Rory McIlroy before South Africa's Charl Schwartzel won the day. They were greeted at the final hole like liberators. It gave U.S. troops in the Middle East the hope that sometimes colonialism has a happy ending.
House Republicans and Senate Democrats finally reached a budget deal five minutes before a midnight government shutdown late Friday. Hundreds of jobs were lost due to the length of the negotiations. It was the slowest night of the year for D.C. escort services
The White House ripped Donald Trump for always harping about President Obama's birth certificate. Democrats did get some good news. Donald Trump just had his annual physical and the doctor told him he was as sound as the dollar, so he can't last much longer.
Libyan rebels rejected a truce proposal from Moammar Khadaffi on Monday. The rebels decided to fight on after they heard that the U.S. government didn't shut down last weekend. Part of the excitement of being a U.S. Air Force pilot is that you never know from week to week whether you are an instrument of U.S. foreign policy or an independent contractor.
The Texas legislature passed a law Friday raising the speed limit to eighty-five miles an hour. They already let you have an open beer in the car and let you carry a gun. The idea is to make life on the highway so much fun you wouldn't think of texting while driving.
Barry Bonds's case went to the jury in San Francisco Friday. There was an innocent explanation for all the syringes, steroids, HGH and blood transfusion equipment found in the garage. He and his kids were just trying to build a Schwarzenegger from scratch.
U.S. Army General Carter Ham informed Congress Thursday that U.S. troops might be needed to help the Libyan rebels. It would level the playing field. U.S. troops are the only ones with the weaponry to shoot down the U.S. planes accidentally bombing the rebels every day.
U.S. Senator Harry Reid stood on the U.S. Senate floor Friday and warned of all the dire consequences a U.S. government shutdown would have on the nation. Younger people don't care at all. He said U.S. meat inspections could be delayed, so Taco Bell won't be affected.
Senate Democrats blamed the massive federal budget deficits on Republican tax cuts Friday in TV interviews. They said the wealthy aren't paying enough taxes to meet the nation's needs. Democrats believe it is okay to be rich as long as you just feel awful about it.
The Architect of the U.S. Capitol told building employees Friday how sorry he was that some of them would be named non-essential during a U.S. government shutdown. It includes restroom attendants and janitors. A history degree just doesn't get you anywhere anymore.
Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi went on trial in Milan Thursday for soliciting the services of an underage Moroccan call girl nicknamed Ruby the Heart Stealer. She's seventeen years old and he's well into his seventies. The service was an open casket affair
Iran's uranium enrichment factories were identified by a scientist Monday. They are bad for the ozone. The plant converts uranium into gas, then filters it through a centrifuge producing weapons-grade uranium, causing the Israeli Air Force to be released into the sky.
The Treasury Department issued a list of suggestions to taxpayers Thursday to help get their refund checks back faster. It's so user-friendly. This year you can have your refund check sent to you by mail or have the check deposited directly into your gas station.
This concludes today's MSNBC sucks update so far.
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