Part2

Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom, Please feel free to upchuck.
Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.
Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.
Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say `Honk if...'.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
Horsepower was better when only horses had it.
Hottentotenpotentatentantenattentat.
How I lived for 28 years carrying my sense of humour around in my handbag.
How bizarre. How bizarre. How bizarre.
How can I draw this?
How can I get you a loan?
How can I tell you I love you when I can hardly breathe down here.
How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
How can you tell a tester of computer games from a player of computer games?
How clever of me!
How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
How could I dance with another when I saw her standing there?
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
How do pretty girls get minks? The same way minks get minks.
How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
How do you know if your girlfriend is on anabolic steroids?
How do you spell `bastard' ? Well, it starts with L and ends with Y.
How do you titillate an ocelot?
How do you trace your family tree? Run for politics!
How does Gladys Knight find out what time it is?
How does my having a vasectomy stop my bint becoming pregnant?
How does my having a vasectomy stop my wife becoming pregnant?
How far do you go?
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.
How many are half-feminine? (4)
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
How many roads must a man walk down?
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
How? Fried.
Human beings are most frightening when convinced beyond a doubt they are right.
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
Humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse.
Hurrah for Cod Peace and the plucky little Multi-Coloured Terrorist.
Hush hush nobody cares/Christopher Robin was pushed down the stairs.
Hypocrisy is the tribute vice pays to virtue.
I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI XII XIII XIV XV XVI XVII XVIII XIX XX
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I always meant to become a procrastinator.
I always try to do things in chronological order.
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.
I am listening to wet 93FM because I am a pratt.
I am not a mercenary for the Evangelical Movement.
I am not a pheasant plucker but a pheasant plucker's mate.
I am not a poser when I go skiing.
I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
I am not in love, but I'm open to persuasion.
I am not now, and never have been, a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it.
I am odd enough to be my own mother.
I am old enough to be my own father.
I am really very kind and honest, and if I had any friends they would tell you.
I am sure you will agree that this is not good enough.
I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater.
I am the sort of person your parents warned you about.
I asked for a dozen bread rolls and you only gave me twelve.
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
I believe that for every drop of rain that falls, a little girl waits.
I belong to no organised party. I am a Democrat.
I bet the human brain is a kludge.
I bet you say that to all the boys.
I bet you say that to all the girls.
I came to whinge, and whinge I shall. God help you all.
I can dodge as much work as you can give me.
I can resist anything but temptation.
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
I can't give a pep talk, because only a few people will witness the humiliation.
I can't hear myself now, it's brilliant.
I can't see the point of playing bridge if you're not inebriated!
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions.
I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's trousers.
I could lend her one.
I cried listening to Slimy Benny.
I did look, I'm not blond.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I do have sweeping powers. And the broom that goes with them.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should.
I do now, you smooth talking bastard.
I don't believe any of this stuff either.
I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians don't.
I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating.
I don't care who you are, get those reindeer and that sleigh off my roof.
I don't care who you are, you're not dragging that cross through my back garden.
I don't hate idiots. In fact I quite like you.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
I don't have to run faster than the lion. All I need to do is beat you.
I don't have to take this abuse from you.
I don't have to work tonight. There's no ships in the port.
I don't know how to love him.
I don't know the joke, but I'm sure it's funny.
I don't know the key to success, the key to failure is trying to please everyone
I don't know where I'm a-gonna go when the volcano blow.
I don't know who wrote this, but whoever she is, she's a damn sexist.
I don't know, I've never kippled.
I don't like Earl's grey tea bags.
I don't like money, actually, but it quietens my nerves.
I don't mind taking a risk, as long as I know everything will turn out OK.
I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every moment of it.
I don't want the savings.
I don't want to go to Chelsea.
I don't want yes men : please tell the truth even if it costs you your job.
I drink to make other people interesting.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I feel a brand new whinge coming on, yeah yeah yeah! Oh [-peep-].
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I feel like death and I won't even get any thanks for coming in tonight.
I find all this money a considerable burden.
I forgot to support Alzheimer's day.
I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it.
I got my Dhp. in dyslexia.
I had a couple of fluttering comments.
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
I hate quotations.
I hate victims who respect their executioners.
I have a currant bun.
I have a fetish for newsstands.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
I have met the Great Pretender, and she is not what she seems.
I have never liked working. To me, a job is an invasion of privacy.
I have no baby on board but please don't crash into me anyway.
I have no time to think about the lastest topical issues.
I have seen God, and his name is Newt.
I have seen God, and his name is Winston.
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
I have the Merdus touch. Everything I touch turns to crap.
I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best.
I haven't got a carea in the worlda.
I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it.
I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!
I intend to live forever - so far so good.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.
I knew Doris Day before she was a virgin.
I knew I was having a bad day when the Samaritans put me on hold.
I knew Judith Chalmers before she was brown.
I knew Paul Holmes before he wasn't an interviewer.
I knew Paul Reeves before he was a Maori.
I knew you'd take pity on homeless lettuces.
I know nothing. Why should I lie?
I know, because I bonked that soldier.
I know, because I was that soldier.
I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
I like cream in my buns.
I like my coffee like I like my women - big breasted.
I like my coffee like I like my women - strong and black.
I like my coffee like I like my women - wet and white.
I like pork in my buns.
I like work...I can sit and watch it for hours.
I like you, but I wouldn't eat fish with you.
I like your game but we have to change the rules.
I listen to NewSTALK ZB by mistake.
I listen to NewSTALK ZB for the infomercials.
I listen to NewSTALK ZB for updates on the latest whinges.
I listen to the Kim Simpson show. It is truly awful.
I listen to the Marge Hill show. It is not very pleasant.
I live by the river.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy.
I love my Honda Civic.
I love the sound of breaking glass, especially when I'm lonely.
I may be slow, but I'm ahead of you.
I may be synthetic, but I'm not stupid.
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.
I met a traveller from an antique land.
I must have slipped a disk - my pack hurts.
I must keep aiming higher and higher - even though I know how silly it is.
I must not use my face as a shopping list.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
I never know how much of what I say is true.
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime who lives next door complained.
I pledge allegiance to Forrest Gump.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
I read it and it was really boring!
I read the newspapers avidly. it is my one form of continuous fiction.
I really think she ought to marry him.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
I see no joy, I see only sorrow. I see no hope of a bright new tomorrow.
I see red.
I shop, therefore I am.
I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot the deputy.
I souport publik edekasion.
I still say the New Zealand Herald is a better paper than The Dominion.
I strive to emulate Clive, a legend in his own lunchtime.
I suppose a quick duck is out of the question.
I talk to God through Slimy Benny.
I talk to the trees but they don't listen to me.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I think that you have mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
I think the phrase rhymes with "clucking bell".
I thought cirrhosis was a type of cloud until I discovered Smirnoff.
I thought they were lucky to get nil!
I thought wanking was a town in China until I discovered Smirnoff.
I tried to drown my problems, but they can swim.
I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
I want all of the power and none of the responsibility.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa, not screaming like his passengers.
I want to give myself to you. - Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.
I was born with nothing and I still have most of it left.
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know.
I was nearly kept waiting.
I was on oily Jim's team for a little while. (A.K.).
I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.
I watch Shortland Street for the ad breaks.
I went to the boxing matches the other night and a hockey game broke out.
I whinge, therefore I am.
I will never be replaced by a computer until they can teach them to drink.
I will never be replaced by a computer until they can teach them to whinge.
I will never support your bid to become New Zealand's ugliest prime minister.
I wish I were a butterfly - life would be a farce.
I wish my life could be like an Abba song.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I would go to the end of the world for you. - Yes, but would you stay there?
I would not allow this employee to breed.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they work for me.
I write the songs that make the whole world cringe.
I'd be a right bananer if it wasn't for my farner.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'd like to assure you that in my time I have had plenty of experience.
I'd love to go out with you but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
I'd love to go out with you but I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
I'd love to go out with you but I have some really hard words to look up.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to check expiry dates on dairy products.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to floss my cat.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to go and swap pieces of cardboard.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to go and write down locomotive numbers.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to go skiing.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to talk to my plants.
I'd love to go out with you but I have to water my plants.
I'd love to go out with you but I need to spend more time with my blender.
I'd love to go out with you but I never go out on days that end in `Y'.
I'd love to go out with you but I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm already going to a restaurant in Hastings.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm converting from Julian to Gregorian.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm going downtown to try on some gloves.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm going to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm having all my plants neutered.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm washing my hair.
I'd love to go out with you but I'm washing my tramping boots.
I'd love to go out with you but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
I'd love to go out with you but I've dedicated my life to linguini.
I'd love to go out with you but I've got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
I'd love to go out with you but I've got a dog to groom.
I'd love to go out with you but it wouldn't be fair to other Beautiful People.
I'd love to go out with you but it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish.
I'd love to go out with you but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
I'd love to go out with you but my favourite commercial is on TV.
I'd love to go out with you but the last time I went out, I never came back.
I'd love to go out with you but the man on TV told me to stay tuned.
I'd love to go out with you but there are major world issues to worry about.
I'd love to tune you out.
I'd love to turn you in.
I'd love to turn you on.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a hat full of fish.
I'll be thinking of you when I am at the funeral.
I'll grant the random access to my heart.
I'll protect you from the hooded claw, keep the vampire from your door.
I'll see your Possum Jim, and raise you two Flaky Helen's.
I'll starve if I don't have a ginger nut.
I'm a country member.
I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man.
I'm a hard, unfeeling bitch.
I'm a hard, unfeeling butch.
I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.
I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
I'm as good as gold. Well, maybe not gold - but I'm certainly as good as silver.
I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take it any more.
I'm carrying a bomb for big Mo.
I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?
I'm in the nude for love.
I'm just a girl who can't say n... n... n...
I'm looking for a better life.
I'm not a comedian, but sometimes I say funny things.
I'm not a poof and some of my best friends clean toilets.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
I'm not deaf, but sometimes I don't hear things.
I'm not homosexual, but I've slept with a man who is.
I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
I'm not that interested in Business and International Affairs.
I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
I'm not waiting on a lady, I'm just waiting on a friend.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
I'm really enjoying not talking to you...Let's not talk again REAL soon...
I'm so mean, I make medicine sick.
I'm sorry the spec isn't more detailed, but I've given up smoking.
I'm sorry, I don't have any figures to back up that claim.
I'm taking Lindsay with me to Wellington!
I'm tired of playing cattle-oppressors and native Americans.
I'm too sexy for my tummy, too sexy for my tummy.
I'm trying to arrange my life so that I don't even have to be present.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
I've become the father of breakfast.
I've been to see a faith healer, but my faith is still broken.
I've been using aluminium pans for longer than I can remember.
I've got a browser in my trouser.
I've got my mother's genes and my father's trousers,
I've got poofter genes in my poofter jeans.
I've got the brain, you've got the looks - let's make lots of money!
I've got the hat.
I've got two bananas today, because I'm going to the gym and I need the energy.
I've half a mind to join New Zealand First, but that's all I need.
I've lost my monger.
I've never been to bed with an ugly woman, but I've woken up next to plenty.
I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again.
Ich weiss nicht, was es bedeuten soll.
Idleness is only the refuge of weak minds.
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Cladbong cannot interview it, it ain't news.
If Cladbong cannot interview it, it isn't quite dead yet.
If God had intended us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If God had intended us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
If God had intended us to smoke, He would have set us on fire.
If God had intended us to walk, He would have given us feet.
If God had intended us to watch TV, He would have given us rabbit ears.
If God had meant us to fly, He would have made it easier to get to the airport.
If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to invent it.
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows.
If I am not for myself, who will be?
If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the talcum powder.
If I feel a little jittery I can't restrain myself.
If I had any humility I would be perfect.
If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. - Albert Einstein
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.
If I looked like that I'd want someone else's photo on my driving licence too.
If I save time, do I get it back?
If I smell mouldy, it's only because my singlet didn't dry out.
If I were you . . . who'd be me?
If I'd just had a pep-talk, I wouldn't be smiling, would I?
If I'd known I was going to live so long, I'd have taken better care of myself.
If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - don't exaggerate.
If Jesus died for my sins then I had better make it worth his while.
If John F. Kennedy had come to New Zealand, he would have been a maori.
If McDonalds took credit cards, I wouldn't ever need cash again.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
If Soldini had saved him all the remaining competitors would've been on one boat
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If a bus station is a place where a bus stops, what is a work station?
If a fly's life is cheap, then its death should be cheaper.
If a listener nods her head when you're explaining your program, wake her up.
If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.
If a string has a middle, then it has at least one end.
If a string has one end, then it has another end.
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.
If all is an illusion and nothing exists, then I overpaid for my carpet.
If all the Chinese people were laid end to end, 85% of them would drown.
If all the bolts in the Eiffel Tower were laid end to end, it would fall down.
If all the economists were laid end to end, they wouldn't reach a conclusion.
If all the girls at St Annes were laid end to end, nobody would be surprised.
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
If an item is advertised as `under $50', you can bet it's not $19.95.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If brains were gunpowder, she wouldn't have enough to blow her hat off.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
If debugging is removing errors, then programming is introducing them.
If decryption was more difficult, SHLiOBudooUKQmtsMeeActVYtk85n7ltlqn9ZVwQOXd5nB
If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television?
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from?
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If evolution really works, how come mothers have only two hands?
If good people were white and bad people were black, what colour would you be?
If he is not a poofter he should be.
If he is tame I'd hate to see a wild one.
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
If horse-racing is the sport of kings, is drag-racing the sport of queens?
If human minds were simple enough to understand, we'd be so simple we couldn't.
If ifs and ans were pots and pans, there'd be no need of tinkers.
If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people?
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
If it don't fit, don't force it.
If it happens, it must be possible.
If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
If it makes you happy, then why the hell are you so sad.
If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's aphorism.
If it's broken, fix it.
If it's good enough for Noddy it's good enough for me.
If life is a stage, I want some better lighting.
If marrying two wives is bigamy, is marrying one wife monotony?
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
If money could talk, it would say "Goodbye!"
If music be the food of love, why can't rabbits sing?
If odds are a million to one against something occurring, its chances are 50-50.
If one cannot invent a convincing lie, it is often better to stick to the truth.
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
If opportunity doesn't knock, buy a door.
If others had not been foolish, we should be so.
If prayer works, why do charities ask for money?
If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.
If she's not good enough for her brother, she's not good enough for you.
If someone says she will do something `without fail', she won't do it.
If speed kills, how come Gonzales is still alive?
If the B mt put : If the B . putting :
If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me.
If the beginning be good, the end must be perfect.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If the door won't open, get an axe.
If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of.
If the fool would persist in her folly she would become wise.
If the lioness were advised by the vixen, she would be cunning.
If the moon were made of green cheese, rockets would be shaped like fondu forks.
If the ugly pills don't work, try prayer.
If the universe is expanding, why is it always so hard to find a parking space?
If there are aphorisms, there must be meta-aphorisms.
If there are two ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.
If there is a God, then his quality control leaves a great deal to be desired.
If there is a way to delay a decision, the good bureaucracy will find it.
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it every time.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
If there is nothing to do then she will find it.
If there is nothing to say then she will say it.
If there's a funeral procession at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
If there's a smile on my face, it's only there trying to fool the public.
If things do not change, they stay as they are.
If this aphorism didn't exist, somebody would have invented it.
If this is your first visit to Yugoslavia, you are welcome to it.
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If travel is searching, and home what's been found, then I'm going hunting.
If two agree on anything, you may be sure that one of them is wrong.
If two agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them does the thinking.
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
If we can't fix it, it ain't broke.
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are headed.
If you REALLY want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!.
If you always do tomorrow's work today, the last day of your life will be free.
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are going to call your kid Fergus, you might just as well call him Fungus
If you are going to make a generalisation, then make it really big.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hands.
If you can count your money, then you don't have a billion dollars.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse, it's Eric.
If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse.
If you can see the optometrist, you don't need to see the optometrist.
If you can still do at 60 what you were doing at 20, you weren't doing much.
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
If you can't blind them with science, baffle them with bullshit.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you catch someone on home video selling soap, call us on 0800 AMWAY1.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you don't die from it, it's healthy.
If you don't fill in your timesheet, none of us will get paid next month.
If you don't get all you want, think of all you don't get that you don't want.
If you don't know what your program should do, don't start writing it.
If you don't like it here, then why don't you go home.
If you drink and drive, then you're a bloody idiot.
If you enjoy playing with Bananas in Pyjamas then this is the video for you.
If you ever want anything, please don't hesitate to ask someone else.
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody will.
If you fail as a comedian at least nobody laughs.
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will do it.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous.
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
If you have to hate, hate gently.
If you haven't anything to do, don't do it here.
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit, join our club.
If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee.
If you must smoke, don't smoke Rothman's.
If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail.
If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you stand upright, do not worry if your shadow is crooked.
If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it.
If you think education is expensive, you should try ignorance.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
If you think nothing of the work you do, plenty of people will agree with you.
If you think you know what's going on here, you don't understand a thing.
If you think you're wrong, you're right.
If you throw a rooster into a pen full of chickens it will shag itself to death!
If you want me to spend more time in the kitchen, keep more beer in the fridge.
If you want the price advantage of dealing direct with the crook...
If you wish to teach people the value of money, borrow from them.
If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you're happy, you're successful.
If you're not blond, why do you act like you are?
If you're not living on the edge, you're taking up too much space.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the residue.
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
If you've got nothing to do, don't do it here.
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
If your face was a planet, it would be Uranus.
If your parents didn't have any children, neither will you.
Ignore the Aunty Rower Meatworkers Union at your peril.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
Immortality - a fate worse than death.
Impressive work.
In America you're never stuck for a friend. 3 weeks is a meaningful relationship
In America, anyone may become president. I guess that's a risk we take.
In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save.
In Biblical times, many who committed adultery were stoned. It's the same today.
In a Bangkok dry cleaners: Drop your trousers here for best results.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
In a tree by a river a little tom tit sang Wilogram, tit-Wilogram, tit-Wilogram.
In a world without fences who needs Gates?
In an ad by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.
In an organisation, each person rises to the level of her own incompetency.
In any formula, constants are to be treated as variables.
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
In future, please refer to Guy Chapman as Person Personperson. Thank you.
In nature there are neither rewards nor punishments - there are consequences.
In our business, the customer is king.
In our business, the customer is queen ducky.
In seed time learn, in harvest teach, in winter enjoy.
In short, N is Richardian if, and only if, N is not Richardian.
In spite of all the poets sing, this gold, my dearest, is a useful thing.
In the beginning was the word, and the word was `aardvark'.
In the land of shampoo, realpoo is King.
In the land of the blind, the brown eyed man is King.
In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is King.
In the land of the blind, the one trousered elephant is a joy to behold.
In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful Dead.
In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble.
In the old days, when maoris where brown.
In the words of John Bobbit, I'm unattached at present.
In the words of Robbie Burns: Cor comie 'or and strangie/tae a wee mickel a mea!
In the words of the immortal bard,
In these aphorisms, man shall be deemed to embrace woman.
In youth we learn; in age we understand.
Incredible work.
Incumbent: Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Ingrate: One who bites the hand that feeds, and then complains of indigestion.
Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
Innovation is hard to schedule.
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed.
Insanity: Continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results.
Insert baby for refund.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Insufficient memory at this time.
Intelligence of humanity decreasing. Details uh, when the little hand is on...
Into each life a little whinge must fall, but too much is falling in mine.
Is Auntie Rower the Mare of Auckland?
Is Green Mail the political wing of Green Peace?
Is Karl Marx's grave just another communist plot?
Is Ken Mair just another dark Irishman?
Is Manny Rower the minister of immigration.
Is Srdjan a gloop?
Is Sue Bradford the leader of the League of Layabouts or Loonies at Large?
Is `Tau Henare' a translation of `Christopher Robin' ?
Is a backward green a Neerg?
Is a backward poofter a Yag?
Is a lady barrister without her briefs a solicitor?
Is he a techo or a beanie?
Is is less important than seems to be.
Is it New Zealand First or New Zealand Ferked?
Is it finitched?
Is it possible to be politically correct if you are white and male?
Is organised crime a religion?
Is organised religion a crime?
Is tandoori fish just a red herring?
Is that a fair comment?
Is that a true story?
Is that what 'yes' means?
Is the FrockMan Catholic?
Is the Pope Irish?
Is the Pope Jewish?
Is the Pope Polish?
Is the society for the advancement of coloured people a green organisation?
Is the spec not adequate?
Is there enough tokenism on Radio New Zealand?
Is there life on Mars?
Is this person an owner-operator?
Is your job running? You'd better go catch it!
Isaac Asimov is a veritable Barbara Cartland.
Isn't it amazing, there's never a dodo around when you want one.
Isn't the world a boring place to be?
It ain't heavy, it's my sister.
It ain't over till the fat lady sings or the thin lady whinges.
It ain't over till the fat lady sings.
It can't have been him, because he doen't make mistakes.
It doesn't matter if you win or lose until you lose.
It gives light, a wicked thing (6)
It had more versions than a maori place name.
It had something to do with naked women and breadcrumbs.
It had, I was told, a big grunter.
It has a certain `je ne sais quoi', but I don't know what it is.
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
It is an equal failing to trust everybody and to trust nobody.
It is an old ironic habit of humans to run faster when they have lost their way.
It is as Irish as a bomb on a bus.
It is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to invent.
It is believed he got his recipe for the bomb from the public library.
It is believed that he is deliberately evading the police.
It is better to be roughly right than precisely wrong.
It is better to have locked and lost than never to have locked at all.
It is better to have loved and lost - much better.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark.
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if lightly greased.
It is easier for a camel to piss through the eye of a needle.
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.
It is easier to find a rich magistrate than an honest one.
It is easier to get a franchise from God than it is from McDonalds.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
It is easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
It is extremely easy to do something slightly wrong and create a disaster.
It is good and glorious to die for one's country.
It is imperative that no confusion in terminology exists.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
It is more than redundant.
It is not compulsory to pronounce place names with a Japanese accent.
It is not considered professional to burst into tears!
It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.
It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is?
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is only fair that Margaret Thatcher should have a disease named after her.
It is progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork.
It is the business of little minds to shrink.
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
It isn't a city without chewing gum on the pavements.
It isn't the coughin' that carries you off but the coffin they carry you off in.
It isn't the size of the wand, it's the magic it makes.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
It makes you happy.
It may be that your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others.
It means it's flying sideways.
It only takes one bullet to kill someone.
It only takes two bullets to kill sometwo.
It really doesn't matter which language you use - they're both very good.
It seemed to me that the church had a very performance orientated god.
It seems like the less a politician amounts to, the more she loves the flag.
It takes a revolution to make a solution.
It takes a strong man to save himself, and a great man to save another.
It takes more than ugly pills to make a great leader.
It takes two to make a single parent.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
It was a hard act to follow.
It was awful, just awful.
It was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette.
It was twenty years ago today.
It wasn't me that started this old, crazy, Asian war.
It won't work.
It works better if you plug it in.
It'll never fly!
It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour!
It's a God-awful small affair.
It's a bloody good idea, sir!
It's a cross between an albatross and a wheelchair.
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
It's a drum. A boy's drum.
It's a grave situation when this pumping station goes on strike. (5)
It's a great day to sell a Kirby.
It's a hard rain's a gonna fall.
It's always sunny there this time of the year.
It's amazing how difficult it is to get a virgin off your face.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's better than bottling it up inside.
It's easier said than done.
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.
It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for being right.
It's easy to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
It's exciting for the veterans and it's a tonic for the troops.
It's getting bigger as we talk.
It's good to talk about things.
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
It's just not good enough!
It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It's my ambition to become chief assistant to the assistant chief.
It's my pleasure.
It's not Camelot, but it's not Auckland, either.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
It's not bad for a priest in a small parish.
It's not because they're dykes, I just don't think the Topp Twins are funny.
It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too.
It's not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's not what a kid knows that bothers his parents -- it's how he found it out.
It's one of the few books of the 20th century to have made me laugh out loud.
It's only the children of the wealthy who tend to be good-looking.
It's only when we really can't take her that she doesn't go.
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
It's recession when your neighbour loses his job;depression when you lose yours.
It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen.
It's the end of the world as we know it.
It's the first time we've been there since we left.
It's very good news for the whole of Australasia.
It's very nice, but it doesn't pay the bills.
It's worse in the bog.
It's worse luck not to be superstitious.
It's...
Ite sawe ae potatoe.
Jackdaws love my big sphinx of quartz.
Jane 'Bury Me in a Y-shaped Coffin' Harrington?
JanuaryFebruaryMarchAprilMayJuneJulyAugustSeptemberOctoberNovemberDecember
Je ne parle pas perl.
Je veux qu'on rie, je veux qu'on danse, je veux qu'on s'amuse comme des fous.
Jenny Morris is to music what Newin Chidchob is to bat sexing.
Jenny Morris's real name is Rumple Stiltskin, and doesn't she know it.
Jenny Shipley: isn't she a sex kitten?
Jesus Christ's real name was Solly Rosenbaum.
Jesus primes my money pump.
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
John Logie Baird is watching television in hell.
Join the crew.
Jokerman dance to the nightingale tune, bird fly high by the light of the moon.
Joys impregnate. Sorrows bring forth.
Judge Dredd is the law!
Just a little prick with a needle.
Just a moment, I'll get out the world's smallest violin.
Just because you can't do everything doesn't mean you shouldn't do something.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
Just because your doctor has a name for it doesn't mean she knows what it is.
Just do it.
Just half a clove of garlic a day will help prevent bowel cancer.
Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace not immune to bullets.
Just say gnome.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
Just think of all the ecological damage caused by this aphorisms program.
Justice is incidental to law and order.
Justice: A decision in your favour.
Kay Aura. A good friend to all of us.
Keep Japan yerrow.
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favourite neurosis.
Keep grandma off the streets - legalise bingo.
Keep it up.
Keep sneezing - you need all the blessings you can get.
Keep the country beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep the shiny side up and the greasy side down.
Keep up the good work.
Keep your nose between the ditches and Smokey out of your breeches.
Ken Oath!
Kenny Rogers, because all the others are clean-shaven.
Killing me softly with his schlong.
Kim Hill. Commercial radio's most loved person. They flee her in droves.
Kim Hill. If there is something stupid to say she will say it.
Kim Hill. New Zealand's reason for despair.
Kim Hill. She will ask the questions that others wouldn't bother with.
Kim Hill. She will discuss the issues that the others have flogged to death.
Kim Hill. Yesterday's Holmes people without the vibrant personality.
Kim's Krapfest. Each morning during the week.
Kin: An affliction of the blood.
Kirk to Enterprise - beam down Yeoman Rand and a six-pack.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Klein bottle for sale...enquire within.
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A.
Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions.
Know when to stop before you fart.
Know when to stop before you start.
Knowledge becomes wisdom only after it has been put to practical use.
Kurt Cobain sings Country.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand.
Labour Party Prefers Gays To Fags.
Labour: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
Laetrile is the pits.
Lagos: The Auckland of West Africa.
Lapidary for pleasure and profit.
Lasciate ogni speranza, voi ch'entrate!
Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.
Last week I couldn't even spel manijer, but this week I are one!
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
Laugh? I thought I'd never start!
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Laws are made to be broken.
Learn to say no; it will be of more use to you than to be able to read Latin.
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Legal, decent, honest, truthful.
Legendary work.
Less people have been up the Eiffel Tower.
Let She who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
Let it be.
Let man wear the fell of the lion, woman the fleece of the sheep.
Let mercy triumph over judgement.
Let them eat cake.
Let us all meet at the stone age communication centre.
Let us all sign up for the 40 hour whinge.
Let us go singing as far as we go; the road will be jollier, ho ferking ho!
Let us go singing as far as we go; the road will be less tedious.
Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is set out against the sky.
Let us live! Let us love! Let us share the secrets of our souls! You first.
Let us never negotiate out of fear. But let us never fear to negotiate.
Let your trousers do the walking.
Let's all listen to Frank Zappa and learn some new words.
Let's do the time-warp again.
Let's go to Auckland for the holidays.
Let's go to Lagos for the holidays.
Let's take the shortcut, they can't see us from there.
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Liberals don't care what you do as long as it's mandatory.
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered to date.
Life exists in the universe because the carbon atom has exceptional properties.
Life is a bitch - and then you turn forty!
Life is a bowl of cherries and birthdays are the pits.
Life is a gamble at terrible odds - if it was a bet, you wouldn't take it.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Life is a yo-yo, and humanity ties knots in the string.
Life is a zoo in a jungle.
Life is an elephant flavoured albatross.
Life is an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find nothing in it.
Life is just a bowl of toenails.
Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila.
Life is like a box of chocolates.
Life is like spaghetti, too many loose ends.
Life is uncertain - eat dessert first!!

Barton 3200+ 400MHz
A7N8X Deluxe
Liquid
2x512 Crucial DDR 400 PC3200
GeForce FX5900
Maxtor DiamondMaxPlus9@80Gig
SONY CD 52x
SONY RW 52x/24x/52x
SONY DVD 16x/40x