Part4

The more things change, the more they stay insane.
The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us is right.
The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey.
The most common element in the universe is stupidity.
The most sublime act is to set another before you.
The most valuable antiques are old friends.
The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
The moving cursor writes and, having writ, blinks on.
The moving finger writes and, having writ, moves on.
The moving furgler bonks and, having bonked, moves on.
The nakedness of woman is the work of God.
The name is Baud. James Baud.
The next meeting of the Moa protection society has been postponed.
The noblest of all dogs is the hot dog: it feeds the hand that bites it.
The notion of a record is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 80-column card.
The nuclear industry is noted for talking bollocks, and other amazing phenomena.
The old ones are the best.
The older I get, the better I was.
The older a lamb gets, the more sheepish it becomes.
The older a woman gets, the farther she had to walk to school as a boy.
The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
The only rose without thorns and friendship or each week day.
The only rose without thorns is Gladys Poon's sister.
The only rose without thorns is friendship.
The only rose without throns is friendship.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
The only thing that is constant is change.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
The operation was a success but the patient died.
The opossum is a sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up until 5 or 6 pm.
The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The optimum committee has no members.
The original aphorism program for adults.
The ornaments of our house are the friends that frequent it.
The passive voice should never be used.
The past is a foreign country and Lovejoy doesn't live there any more.
The past is a foreign country. They do things differently there.
The past looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because it isn't here.
The point of good writing is knowing when to stop.
The pride of the peacock is the glory of Elvis.
The pride of the peacock is the glory of God.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The problem with unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
The programmers beer: DB Schema.
The programmers comedian: Sign Field.
The protesters carried traditional clubs, spears and softball bats.
The punch has all been drunk and the drunks have all been punched.
The quality of a champagne is judged by the noise the cork makes when is popped.
The quality of mercy is not strnen.
The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
The real problem of your leisure is how to keep other people from using it.
The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much.
The responsibility of tolerance lies with those who have the wider wisdom.
The revolution will not be televised.
The reward of a thing well done is to have done it.
The rich are not like us. No, they have more money.
The richer your friends, the more they will cost you.
The road of excess leads to the palace of wisdom.
The road to hell is paved with melting snowballs.
The road to success is filled with women pushing their husbands along.
The room seemed emptier whenever she entered it.
The scourge of political correctness.
The second word makes the quarrel.
The self-assertion seminar was fully booked. I said it didn't matter.
The seminar on time travel will be two weeks ago.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
The short answer is `I don't know'. The long answer is also `I don't know'.
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
The site file (UWSITE.DAT) has at least one silly name in it.
The songs you sing are meaningless.
The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up!
The soul of sweet delight can never be defiled.
The stallion became a gelding, and has now become a mayor.
The sum of the intelligence on earth is a constant; the population is growing.
The superfluous is very necessary.
The system is able to edit the date back beyond the most recent contract date.
The thankful receiver bears a plentiful harvest.
The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.
The toughest thing about success is you've got to keep on being a success.
The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives.
The trivialisation of human sexuality.
The trouble with a kitten is that when it grows up, it's always a cat.
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
The trouble with life in the fast lane is you get to the end in a big rush.
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win you're still a rat.
The tygers of wrath are wiser than the horses of instruction.
The views expressed in these aphorisms are bloody good ones.
The views expressed in these aphorisms may not be the views of the programmers.
The vixen condemns the trap, not herself.
The vixen provides for herself, but God provides for the lioness.
The voters have spoken, the bastards, just like Forrest Gump.
The voters have spoken, the bastards.
The warning message was a calculated ambiguity that would be clearly understood.
The weak in courage is strong in cunning.
The woman who mistook herself for a programmer.
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
The world is divided into people who do things - and people who get the credit.
The world is theirs who have money to go over it.
The world will only improve when the power of love supersedes the love of power.
The world's as ugly as sin and almost as delightful.
The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
The wrath of the lion is the wisdom of God.
TheSwordisMightierThanThePenis.
Them that has, gets.
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
There are few people who don't become more interesting when they stop talking.
There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.
There are no answers, only cross references.
There are no problems, only fish.
There are no problems, only opportunities.
There are no strangers, only friends we haven't yet avoided.
There are no strangers, only friends we haven't yet met.
There are not enough windows in a day.
There are three kinds of accountants: those who can count and those who can't.
There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics.
There are two ways to dislike poetry: dislike poetry or read Pope.
There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one works.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
There has been a sudden increase in the number of things you know nothing about.
There is a green hill far away.
There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.
There is more to life than increasing its speed.
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
There is no point being so open minded that your brains fall out.
There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes.
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, large breasts.
There is no such thing as a free lunch.
There is no such thing as a good war or a bad peace.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
There is no warranty, expressed or implied, in this aphorism program.
There is only one alley in Birmingham, and that is Needless.
There is only one cure for grey hair, the French invented it...the guillotine.
There is something you ought to know about God. It's green.
There is something you ought to know about God. She's black.
There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it.
There were four only children in my family.
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a fence.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot
There's always one more bug.
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
There's more than one way to skin a cat.
There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.
There's no fool like an old fool.
There's no future in time travel.
There's no point in asking : you'll get no reply.
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
There's no real need to do housework-after four years it doesn't get any worse.
There's no time like the present.
There's nothing geeky about being a tramper.
There's nothing quite like a Holden.
There's nothing quite like a Lada.
There's some people you just can't reach.
They also surf who only stand on waves.
They both have a black box.
They called her Bargain because she was 50% off.
They called her Harpic because she was clean round the bend.
They called her the chair but she sounded more like a dish washer to me.
They changed the school's name so they wouldn't keep shouting `Up Lady Antonia!'
They drive romantically in Ghana.
They screw this up every night in St Louis.
They shall grow not old as we that are left grow old.
They sicken of the calm that know the storm.
They tell you who you are and who you're not allowed to be.
They told me I was gullible...and I believed them!
They'd never (be stupid enough to) make her a manager.
They're all out and the last one's a duck.
They're only trying to make ends meet in a world that doesn't care.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
They're very heavy to carry round and you can't take them on a bus.
Thin is in, foam is out.
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Things will be bright this afternoon. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Things will surely get worse before they get better.
Think "HONK" if you're telepathic.
Think big. Pollute the Mississippi.
Think for yourselves and let others enjoy the right to do the same.
Think honk if you're a telepath.
Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.
Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer crashes.
Think twice before speaking, but don't say `think think click click'
Think w(h)in(ge) w(h)in(ge).
This Tuesday's meeting will not be held as usual.
This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of PI change.
This aphorism cannot be politically correct because it was written by a man.
This aphorism contains two erors.
This aphorism intentionally not included.
This aphorism is false.
This aphorism left intentionally blank.
This aphorism no verb.
This aphorism program is shrinking at the rate of three aphorisms every year.
This aphorism program out of order.
This can't be heaven - I recognise it.
This cat is an over-achiever. She has ten lives.
This computer does not make mistooks.
This decision will harm Australia's cultural identity.
This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.
This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week.
This is a case of the blind leading the not so well sighted.
This is a matter for the French Government.
This is a matter for the Nigerian Government.
This is garet! They spelt her name correctly!
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with force.
This is not sex, it's rage.
This is the face of the moon, with two eyes, a nose and a mouth. Can you do it?
This is uncommon nonsense.
This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88.
This message cannot be repeated. I repeat, this message cannot be repeated.
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
This mind must remain closed at all times.
This program will run and run.
This tape will self destruct in five seconds. Good luck, Jim.
This was a result of our company being placed under psychic attack.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........PawPaw.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Row Toe Rue Ah!
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Tampon.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Tarpair.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........TiePea.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........ToePooh.
This week Taupo is to be pronounced ..........Turpil.
This white horse walked into a bar and asked for a beer with an Eric chaser.
This will be a memorable month - no matter how hard you try to forget it.
This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
Those of you who think you know everything are annoying those of us who do.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach. Those who can't teach, manage.
Those who forget their past are condemned to repeat it.
Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose.
Three cheers for the grey, white and black.
Three hundred passengers are stranded on both sides of the Tasman.
Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
Three things I always forget:
Three things I always forget: Names, faces and the third I can't remember.
Three ways to get it done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids.
Throughout, the author walks a tightrope between authenticity and decency.
Ths phrsm cntns n vwls
Thursday night - Church Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana.
Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
Time may or may not be a great healer, but it's sure one terrible beautician.
Time takes no prisoners.
Timeout waiting for reply from acushare
Timothy Leary is dead.
Tiresome, complaining, a praiser of past times.
To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
To air is human, unfortunately.
To be idle requires a strong sense of personal identity.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
To be is to be perceived.
To be or not to be, that is the Sorgenplatt.
To be out once or twice. (6, 3, 6)
To be stuck inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues again.
To boldly fob, where no man has fobbed before.
To boldly split infinitives that no man has split before.
To create a little flower is the labour of ages.
To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
To every action there is always opposed an equal reaction.
To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
To live outside the law you must be honest.
To love another person is to see the face of God.
To make eggnog, you need rum, whisky, wine, gin and, if they're in season, eggs.
To make sense of this aphorism, just change one pig.
To play the trumpet badly is to do the devil's work.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question...or is it?
Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
Today is a good day to die.
Today is be kind to a rat day. Will you be my friend?
Today is find something furry in the sugar day. Enjoy.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life.
Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.
Today the horse committee will discuss the shape and location of the ears.
Today's sound today.
Tomorrow has been cancelled due to lack of interest.
Tomorrow is always the busiest day of the week.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Too much biscuit and not enough wine.
Too much is never enough!
Too much month left at the end of the money.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
Too old to rock 'n' roll : too young to die.
Took the Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.
Total abstinence is easier to me than perfect moderation.
Tough job, but someone's got to do it.
Travel important today; Inland Revenue staff arrive tomorrow.
Treacle Sticks. Love Furts.
Trouser me big Ralph.
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence.
Truth can never be told so as to be understood, and not be believed.
Truth is a pointed stick.
Truth is an arrow.
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
Truthful: Dumb and illiterate.
Try not to have a good time...This is supposed to be educational.
Try the Zap Mat fat battler in your own home, for only $700.00 plus GST.
Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good.
Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance.
Try to not split infinitives.
Tuesday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life...all those meetings.
Tuku Morgan briefed the Cabinet last week.
Turoa for fun and freedom.
Twas brillig and the slithy toves did gyre and gimble in the wabe.
Twenty-nine year old grandmother calls for better sex education in schools.
Twinings Pure Peppermint - Ingredients: Peppermint.
Two Mikes do not make a sound system.
Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long.
Two furgles make a hump.
Two hats are better than one. (Old Serbian proverb).
Two lovely fur seals walk into a club.
Two men looked out through prison bars. One saw mud, the other stars.
Two nybbles make a byte.
Two out of three ain't bad.
Two parts of men's brain are faulty: shopping and relationships.
Two percent of zero is almost nothing.
Two reads don't make a write.
Two things I can't stand: Racism and Poms.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Tyranny is always better than organised freedom.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
UNIX is the operating system of the future, and it always will be.
UWKNAW.DAT!
Ubi caritas et amor, Deus ibi est.
Ubi fibes ibi lux et robur.
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee
Under the conditions of tyranny, it is far easier to act than think.
Under-achieving For Pleasure And Profit.
Unfair: tsetse fly, booby, sapsucker. bullhead, duck-billed platypus, Clarence
Unhappiness is best described as the difference between talent and expectation.
Unity is strength.
Universe: The problem.
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies reject the proposal.
Unparalleled tracking control and pinpoint mousing accuracy.
Up is up, yours is yours.
Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
Use Berko skin cream. Keep your skin as soft as your head.
User: A programmer who will believe anything you tell her.
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
VENI, VIDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
Veni : vidi : vici
Veni : vidi : whingi
Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Very good work, well done.
Very well done in deed.
Video killed the radio star.
Vincent wishes all his readers a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Ear.
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
Virtue is its own reward.
Vishnu: The great washing machine salesman in the sky.
Visit Napier's 'House of Slags'. You will get more than you came for.
Visit me at http://members.tripod.com/~iwh/
Visit rsi support at http://www.professional-firefighte [...] on.org.nz/
Visit the aphorisms home page at http://www.aphorisms.co.nz/
Visit the moon and go bonkers!
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
Vivu la verda stelo!
Vote anarchist.
W.S. Babcock Nears its Centennial.
WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: Firings will continue until morale improves.
WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
Walk briskly and carry a damp newspaper.
Waltzing Ma~, Waltzing Ma~
Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength.
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Was it OJ, or was it Bart?
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.
Washington D.C. is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
Wasting time is an important part of living.
Wasting your time is what Kim Hill is all about.
Watch what you say.
Watch your world with us.
Watership Down: You've read the book, you've seen the film, now eat the pie!
We (some of us, that is) gave blood for our works outing!
We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it.
We all love the Loon on the hill.
We all love you Kay Aura.
We apologise for the late arrival of this month's magazine.
We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated.
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
We are all winners. You are a winner just to have been born.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.
We are not lovers, we are not romantics, we are here to serve you.
We are souls.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We came, we saw, we left.
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
We can feed off each other, we can share our endorphins.
We can supply for our needs, but not for our wants.
We can swing together.
We cannot afford one dissatisfied customer.
We don't care. We don't have to. We're Telecom.
We guarantee you won't hear the same record twice between 9 and 9:05.
We have a full range of models on the floor.
We have become a grandmother.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We have met the enemy, and the enemy is us.
We have no enemies. It's just some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
We knocked the bugger off.
We might get on like a house on fire, or it might be a bloke!
We must believe in luck. How else to explain the success of those we dislike?
We never did too much talking anyway.
We now present the weather forecast in Menglish.
We often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
We run a pretty tight ship here.
We sit here stranded through we're all doing our best to deny it.
We take customer satisfaction personally.
We thought, because we had power, we had wisdom.
We welcome big Toe and his big bag of dried noggins.
We were freezing during the power cut until the backup generator caught fire.
We will endeavour to ensure it tastes particularly yummy.
We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love.
We will win the war because we are Germans.
We won't need reservations.
We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later.
Wealth is not his who has it, but his who enjoys it.
Welcome to Eriiic the Aviiion!
Welcome to Manny Rower's New Zealand.
Welcome to Tehran, where the local time is 1215 AD.
Welcome to The Land Of The Long White Latte.
Welcome to The Pleasure Dome.
Welcome to our world.
Welcome to the Electrolux Hoover.
Welcome to the former Yugoslav Republic of Greek-loving Macedonia.
Well begun is half done.
Well done is better than well said.
Well done.
Well done. Good work.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Well, if I did have a life, I wouldn't enjoy it.
Well, if I did smoke pot as a teenager, I don't remember doing it.
Well, if she gets her hands on them, they never will.
Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what can you believe?
Well, you might very well think that, but of course I couldn't possibly comment.
Well, you're just puckered at both ends.
What I tell you three times is true.
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
What a chum we have in Jesus.
What a day it's been! 70 in the shade but I was smart and stayed in the sun.
What a difference a day makes.
What a fine fissure I am to be sure, but am I a fissure of men?
What an adventure it would be to die.
What are you going to do with the needle?
What are you, some sort of hydroid polyp?
What becomes of the broken-hearted?
What becomes of the broken-trousered?
What can ail thee fat lady at arms, Alone and palely singing.
What can ail thee poofter at arms, Alone and palely blighted.
What did posterity ever do for me?
What did the seagull say when it flew into the cliff?
What do Kiri te Kanawa, Ray Charles, Dionne Warwick and Shirley Bassey share?
What do you call the useless part at the end of a penis?
What do you say to a cup of tea? `Good morning, cup of tea!'
What does a sadist do? Beats me!
What does it mean if it takes you two hours to watch `60 minutes'?
What does it mean if there is no aphorism for you?
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the entrance?
What good is someone who can walk on water if you don't follow in His footsteps?
What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
What is 14th May 1870 always remembered for in New Zealand?
What is a 'free' gift? Aren't all gifts free?
What is a magician but a practising theorist?
What is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
What is mind? No matter. What is matter? Never mind.
What is now proved was once only imagined.
What is that thing called Love?
What is the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a Lada?
What is the difference between a Jehovah's Witness and a pumpkin?
What is the point of building a urinal without an arsenal to go with it?
What is the point of making people laugh when you can make them cry?
What is the point of re-inventing the wheel when it is just going to fall off?
What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank?
What is the sound of one programmer programming?
What is this STANDPACK minus NAME?
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
What is your favourite humming sound?
What on earth is an ear fear?
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
What she lacked in intelligence she made up for in stupidity.
What sort of aphorism is this then?
What sort of array is this then?
What sort of change is this then?
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar bonk.
What this country needs is a good 5 dollar plasma weapon.
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
What this country needs is a good five cent nickel.
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
What we have here is failure to communicate.
What we love to do we find time to do.
What we really need is someone who's 31.8% female.
What would you do if this was a power cu.............
What's brown and sticky?
What's love got to do with it?
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?
What's the Lord done for you lately?
What's the difference between NZ and natural yoghurt? One has a living culture.
What's the difference between a British cow and an Australian?
What's the difference between a cockroach and an evangelical?
What's the last thing to go through a fly's mind as it hits the windscreen?
What's the story, Morning Glory?
What's the story? No story, straight to bed.
What's this we hear about you not having an ulcer?
Whatever became of eternal truth?
Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not nailed down.
Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Auckland.
Whatever you do, don't buy a glass chopping board.
Whatever you do, don't read this.
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to guarantee them.
When I am prime minister no one will make a profit.
When I know I've got rhythm, I know I'm going to be dangerous.
When I say I don't sleep with married men, I mean happily married men.
When I was a girl, I used to scream and shout.
When I was young, I never needed anyone.
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after her - that's where the money is.
When a fellow says, `It ain't the money but the principle', it's the money.
When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half loop?
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When all other means of communication fail, try words.
When any mechanical contrivance fails it will do so at the worst possible time.
When does summer come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, it was a Tuesday.
When elephants fight, it is the grass that suffers.
When elephants fight, it is the trousers that suffer.
When force is gone, there's always Mom.
When formalities founder, casual tease.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do. When elsewhere, do as they do elsewhere.
When in charge, ponder. When in trouble, delegate. When in doubt, mumble.
When in doubt, do what the President does - guess.
When in doubt, tell the truth.
When in doubt, use brute force.
When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
When it is not necessary to change, it is necessary not to change.
When justice is gone, there's always force.
When love is gone, there's always justice.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
When planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is not hereditary.
When she had nothing left to say she switched over to auto-whinge.
When the President does something, that means it's not illegal.
When the cat's away, the mouse will play.
When the chips are down, I'll be around.
When the church fails, God must intervene.
When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going.
When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.
When the going gets tough, the tough use duct tape.
When the music's over, turn out the lights.
When the rubber hits the road, the [-peep-] hits the fan.
When the wagon of fortune goes well, spite and envy hang on the wheels.
When they heard you were coming, they all hid.
When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
When thou seest an Eagle, thou seest a portion of Genius; lift up thy head!
When travelling, never leave a country hungry.
When whales fight, it is the greens that suffer.
When you are getting kicked from the rear it means you're in front.
When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut.
When you are on your own, you think a lot, and I don't like to think a lot.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRD.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
When you drink from the stream, remember the horse.
When you drink from the stream, remember the spring.
When you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time to reform.
When you get what you wanted, you don't want it any more.
When you go to buy don't show your silver.
When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite.
When you kill time, you murder success.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
When you're not looking at it, this aphorism is written in FORTRAN.
Whenever anyone says, `theoretically', they really mean, `not really'.
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
Where I come from, there's no such word as asapocha.
Where do you stop?
Where do you want to go today?
Where do you want to go, toady?
Where is Uncle Rower?
Where is the manual? Click click, tap tap tap, type, clack tap click click, tap.
Where man is not, nature is barren.
Where profit is, Westpak is lurking nearby.
Where profit is, loss is hidden nearby.
Where the Hell is Womaru?
Where there is human life there is no Justice.
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.
Wherever you are, God is only a whinge away.
Wherever you are, God isn't.
Whether you can hear it or not the Universe is laughing behind your back.
Whether you're rich or whether you're poor, it's better to be rich.
Which famous U.S. president said "Chew on that then big bum"?
Which local leader spends her time trying to look like her photograph?
Which religion is based on the divine randyness of Kings?
While money can't buy happiness, it lets you choose your own form of misery.
While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position.
While most peoples' opinions change, conviction of their correctness never does.
Whinge Lady whinge. Whinge beside my big brass bed.
Whistle while you pork, silence isn't golden.
Whistle while you work.
Who added Jesus Mouse to the customer file?
Who are you calling Wood Eye?
Who do you have to bonk to get rid of Kim Hill.
Who is Manny Rayo?
Who knows the secret of the black magic box?
Who knows the secret of the black magic whinger?
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and fart loudly?
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and whinge?
Who needs rhetorical questions?
Who put the pong in Phongarei?
Who started singing?
Who started whinging?
Who stole the cookie from the cookie jar?
Who stole the cork out of my lunch?
Who was that idiot?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Who'll come a whinging Matilda with me?
Who's General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Who's a right steamer then?
Who's a silly boy then?
Who's got the hat?
Who's on first?
Whom are you? she asked, for she had been to College.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
Why am I allergic to re-cycled news paper and three day old camel [-peep-]?
Why are the no issues in the morning?
Why be a man when you can be a success?
Why can't Barbie get pregnant? Because Ken arrives in a different container.
Why did Kamikaze pilots need helmets?
Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office automation?
Why didn't anybody correct his pronunciation?
Why didn't those bastards eight thousand years ago make the year field 9(5) ?
Why do they refer to them as maori, when there are two of them.
Why do those people who say `it goes without saying' never go without saying it?
Why do we kill? We kill for food. And not only food : frequently a drink too.
Why do women wear make-up and perfume? Because they're ugly and they stink.
Why doesn't DOS say EXCELLENT Command or Filename?
Why don't we all go down to Roosters for a Birthday celebration, but not invite
Why don't we get our photo taken using someone else's face. (Erlin Cluck).
Why don't you look where I'm going?
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
Why eat hamburgers when steak costs the same?
Why is a raven like a writing desk?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is it called a word processor? Well, what does a food processor do to food?
Why is it that whenever I see 'F', you see 'K' ?
Why is it windy in Wellington? Because Auckland sucks.
Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp.
Why not use off duty poofters as assistant police officers.
Why not? Everybody else does it.
Why should I tidy my desk when the whole world is in a mess?
Why was I born with such contemporaries?
Why was this leaked to the press without consulting me first?
Why? Is your nose bigger?
Will Rogers never met Xxxx Xxxxxxx.
Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap? The rest of you, rattle your jewelry.
Will there be drinking?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass
Windows: The only 8MB virus
Windows: Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
Winnie the Peters, a bore of very little brain.
Winning isn't everything. but losing isn't anything.
Winston First, the party of Laura Norder.
Wir verstehen, aber nur zur Mund.
Wisdom is knowing when you can't be wise.
Wit of any form is an achievement in itself.
Wit: Salt with which American Humourist spoils his cookery...by leaving it out.
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
With acu/cobol85, anything can happen.
With acu/cobol85, anything is possible.
With all due respect, you may be stupid, but I am more stupid.
With patience, and help from a worm, the mulberry leaf becomes a silk gown.
With the only mousing surface designed to enhance the performance of your mouse.
Without ice cream, life and fame are meaningless.
Without silence, there is no music, only noise.
Wives make paydays necessary.
Woman i sas! Lukaot gud long hem!
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
Word Perfect - Margreat's oxymoron.
Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs.
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout. Also the worst of next year.
Would you bet your life this'll work? Only if I can double or quits if it fails.
Wow Dad, you took a Baptism for me.
Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
X-rated movies are all alike...all they leave to the imagination is the plot.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Yeah right!
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
Yes we have no bwana's, we have no bwana's today.
Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache.
Yes, but is she a good ?
Yes, but which self do you want to be?
Yes, but you have to feel incredibly guilty all the time.
Yes, bwana.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes,
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
You always find something in the last place you look.
You are a complete waste of space.
You are a member of Grey Power, Mother Hen, the young girl said.
You are as hard as Lord Longford at a strip show!
You are in a helicopter.
You are lucky your rod never snapped.
You are old, Father William, the young man said.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are the winner at Tourist Scalp Motors.
You are wise, witty and wonderful, but spend too much time reading this trash.
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
You bubble headed booby!
You can always tell a Swede...but you can't tell her much.
You can appreciate the beauty of a tiger, even as it leaps to devour you.
You can be in my dream if I can be in yours.
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.
You can email new aphorisms to me at iwh@pacific-ocean.com
You can fool all of the people some of the time.
You can fool some of the people all of the time.
You can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.
You can have it any colour you like, so long as it's black.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.
You can lead a whore to culture, but you can't make her think.
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular.
You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.
You can never be too rich - or too thin.
You can shut the door on a Jehovah's Witness.
You can unscrew a lightbulb.
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
You can't change the direction of the whinge, but you can adjust your sails.
You can't change the direction of the wind, but you can adjust your sails.
You can't drink a rainbow.
You can't fall off the floor.
You can't get anything without working for it.
You can't get there from here.
You can't have your goat and eat it. - Ayatollah Khomeini.
You can't help feeling sorry for those IRD people that will lose their jobs.
You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair.
You can't sink a rainbow by words alone.
You can't sink a rainbow.
You can't stop birds of sadness flying but can stop them nesting in your hair.
You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't.
You can't tell till you've found out.
You can't win. You can't break even. You can't even quit the game.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.
You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
You delete batches manually! (Old Serbian joke).
You do not grow old, you become old when you cease to grow.
You don't buy beer. You just rent it.
You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers.
You don't know what you don't know, and you don't know you don't know it.
You don't know whether you're Arthur or Martha.
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the whinge blows.
You don't need a weatherman to know which way the wind blows.
You don't remember me, do you?
You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles.
You don't write. You don't call. You don't even fax.
You get that on the big jobs.
You guys are just pathetic.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.
You know how to whistle, don't you? You just put your lips together - and blow.
You know when the Maths Mafia have you: they make an offer you can't understand.
You may be recognised soon. Hide.
You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog.
You may say I'm a dreamer but I'm not the only one.
You might have mail
You must come up and see my head sometime.
You need more sleep.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll be dead.
You never disclose your own character so clearly as when you describe another's.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression.
You never hear a man on his deathbed wish he'd spent more time at the office.
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
You never know what is enough unless you know what is more than enough.
You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
You now know I don't give 100% when I work, because I still have blood to give.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
You really are a horrid person.
You really are a useless programmer, but enough of this pep talk...
You said that without moving your lips.
You scratch me behind my ears, I'll scratch you behind yours.
You sexy beast.
You should go to bed earlier.
You silly twisted boy.
You speak Menglish like a native.
You stab my back and I'll stab yours.
You start with a Chinaman's hat and end with money.
You talk about your woman : I wish you could see mine.
You tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.
You think it's easy for me to misconstrue all these misquotations?!?
You use words, but convey no meaning.
You wash my feet, I'll wash yours.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
You will be told about it tomorrow. Go home and prepare thyself.
You won't make yourself a bit realler by crying.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry.
You'd be surprised what you can live through.
You'd spend your whole life looking for your Geiger counter.
You'll never be the man your mother was!
You're all zombies driving metal coffins.
You're at the end of the road again.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You're doing good work.
You're face to face with the man who sold the world.
You're foul, immoral and perverted. Ever considered a career in the church?
You're from L.A. Imagine living so close to all those shoes.
You're never too old to become younger.
You're nice. My mum would like you.
You're not a very nice person, are you?
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
You've all done very well.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
You've done very well.
You've given my brother the hump.
You've obviously never had a bra fitted, sir.
You've really hurt me now.
You've seen one wise man, you've seen them all.
Your all zombies driving metal coffins.
Your brain becomes a mind when it's fortified with knowledge.
Your conscience never stops you doing anything. It just stops you enjoying it.
Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
Your lucky colour has faded.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
Your only son, I presume?
Your place or mine? - Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.
Your red scarf matches your eyes.
Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
Your vision of yourself is a media myth.
Z - the only letter not used at the start of an aphorism yet.
Zang!
Zdravo! Kako si!
Zimbabwe: Zero Intelligence Mainly Because All Bright Whites Emigrated.
Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
[ If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses. ]
[Hit return to continue]
aphorisms: Permission denied. Memory fault. Core dumped.
cd / ; rm -f -r *
dy/dx - 2xy = -1
f u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
i aoi oai o ooa.
i ii iii iv v vi vii viii ix x xi xii xiii xiv xv xvi xvii xviii xix xx
lanimret-X DCN siht ni deppart m'I !pleH.
mailto:bdavidson@cscnz.co.nz?Subject=Scandalous_Gossip
nothing much is running these days
ompiling Report. Ensure Printer On Line !
relax, don't do it
s.uwcmiv.cbl:c A serius typo sliped pass my hawk eyes.
what is brown and sticky?
yy u r, yy u b, i c u r yy 4 me.
Mi'Coleeg Jusfar Tedanlef da roomda Ba'stard

Barton 3200+ 400MHz
A7N8X Deluxe
Liquid
2x512 Crucial DDR 400 PC3200
GeForce FX5900
Maxtor DiamondMaxPlus9@80Gig
SONY CD 52x
SONY RW 52x/24x/52x
SONY DVD 16x/40x