One for Rob

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "What do you believe?" Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left. He then turns to Luis Figo, "and you, Luis, what do you believe?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney, "and you, Wayne, what do you believe?" "I believe", says Rooney,” you’re sitting in my seat."



Stadium of light and Urs Meier still couldn’t see.

Well if its gunna be bloke jokes.


A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear Wife: You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. -- Your Husband"



When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband: You, too, are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up.


Stadium of light and Urs Meier still couldn’t see.

ROFLMAO That was a good one!



<A HREF="http://forums.btvillarin.com/index.php?act=ST&f=41&t=2541" target="_new">My Rig</A>

Thats a keeper!



<A HREF="http://forums.btvillarin.com/index.php?act=ST&f=41&t=2541" target="_new">My Rig</A>

Tom this thread definitely has potential!



<A HREF="http://forums.btvillarin.com/index.php?act=ST&f=41&t=2541" target="_new">My Rig</A>

For his birthday Little Patrick asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."
The next day the father saw Little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"
Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were
pulling out. I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm sticking around here by myself with an 80,000 mortgage and no transportation."

<font color=red>"Wayne Rooney won't just be a legend. He'll be THE legend" - David Unsworth </font color=red>

LOL.

The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"

<font color=red>"Wayne Rooney won't just be a legend. He'll be THE legend" - David Unsworth </font color=red>

AHHAHAHAHA ROFLMAO!!!! hilarious

"Never underestimate the predictability of Stupidity."
<A HREF="http://www.cameronwilliamson.com" target="_new">-={Messianic Maniac.}=-</A>
<font color=green>{FLM}</font color=green>

ROFL



<A HREF="http://forums.btvillarin.com/index.php?act=ST&f=41&t=2541" target="_new">My Rig</A>

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress comes w ith the order and says, "That will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"

<font color=red>"Wayne Rooney won't just be a legend. He'll be THE legend" - David Unsworth </font color=red>

Q: Why should the English football team never be allowed to own a dog?

A: Because they can never hold on to a lead.

Barton 2500+, 512MB Corsair Platinum XMS 3200 CL2, Radeon 9700, WD Raptor 10,000 rpm S-ATA HDD, Asus A7V600, Enermax 460W SilentPlus PSU.

Alas, too bloody true.

<font color=red>"Wayne Rooney won't just be a legend. He'll be THE legend" - David Unsworth </font color=red>

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began talk about their kids and their successes.
The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.
The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travel agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.
The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion, specially for his friend.
The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons.
The fourth friend who earlier had gone to the restroom returned and asked:
What's going on? What are all the congratulations for?
One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons.
And then he asked, What about your son?
The forth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.
The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.
The forth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too.
Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends.

<font color=red>"Wayne Rooney won't just be a legend. He'll be THE legend" - David Unsworth </font color=red>

A guy is having these real bad head aches. It's getting bad enough, the light hurts his head. This has been going on for over a year.

He goes to the Dr. & gets examined. The Dr. says I've got good news & bad news. The good news is we know what's causing your head aches. The guy says What is it? Dr. says, it's the pressure your balls are putting out. It goes right into a head ache, like you have. Guy says What can we do about it? Dr. says, That's the bad news. We'll have to castrate you to get rid of the pressure..

The guy thinks it over for a couple of days. He wanted to keep his balls, but can't live with the head aches. He decides he has no choice & goes through with the castration.

When he wakes up from the surgery, he feels better than he had in over a year, no head ache!! When he leaves the hospital, he feels so good he decides to buy a new suit to make him look as good as he feels.

He goes into a suit shop & over comes a salesman. He said can I help you? He says yes, I want a new suit. The guy looks him over & says 38 regular.. He says Wow, that's right!! Salesman hands him a suit & it fits him like a glove.

Salesman says How about a shirt? I'll need one of them he says. 34" sleeve & 13" neck!! Wow, that's right & sure enough it is.

Salesman says what about shoes? He says I'll need them too. Salesman says 10 1/2 DD. Guy says Wow, right again.

Salesman says how about underwear? The guy says might as well, everything else is new. Salesman says 34. The guy says Well you've finally got it wrong! I wear 32. Salesman says OH NO, if you put on 32's it will put pressure on your balls & give you real bad head aches!!!



Dazzle them with Brilliance, or Baffle them with BS!
<font color=red>{FMCD}</font color=red>

Recently a "Husband Shopping Centre" opened in Dallas, where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended.

The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; If you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the store, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

1st floor - the door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up they went....

2nd floor - the sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." Hmmm, said the ladies. But, I wonder what's further up?

3rd floor - this sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." Wow! Said the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up! And up they went....

4th floor - this door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh, mercy me, cried the women. But just think! What must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.....

5th floor - the sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are [-peep-] impossible to please."


He that but looketh on a plate of ham and eggs to lust after it, hath already committed breakfast with it in his heart. -C.S. Lewis

Eden and Auburn are living together like two rotten little faggots. Everything is luvvy-duvvy, they spend their days together sharing enthusastic fellatio, rimjobs and golden showers.

One day a big argument erupts between them, and Auburn storms out and strides angrily up the street. The effeminate Eden leans out of a window and pleads: "Please sweetie, don't leave me, I luv you I luv you".

Auburn continues mincing away, professing that he's going and never coming back. Eden, in a fit of desperation, runs back into the house, grabs a big bucket of sh!t, and sticks it out the window for all to see.

"But look!", Eden wails, "what about the kids???"

Barton 2500+, 512MB Corsair Platinum XMS 3200 CL2, Radeon 9700, WD Raptor 10,000 rpm S-ATA HDD, Asus A7V600, Enermax 460W SilentPlus PSU.

I bet you and him make sweet music together

Barton 2500+, 512MB Corsair Platinum XMS 3200 CL2, Radeon 9700, WD Raptor 10,000 rpm S-ATA HDD, Asus A7V600, Enermax 460W SilentPlus PSU.

Careful - he might like a good paddling.

I'd recommend death by Wingding.

Barton 2500+, 512MB Corsair Platinum XMS 3200 CL2, Radeon 9700, WD Raptor 10,000 rpm S-ATA HDD, Asus A7V600, Enermax 460W SilentPlus PSU.

Make sure Eden doesn't get to you first.

Just imagine, you wake up some night to find Eden standing over you, slapping grease on his bulging erection....

Barton 2500+, 512MB Corsair Platinum XMS 3200 CL2, Radeon 9700, WD Raptor 10,000 rpm S-ATA HDD, Asus A7V600, Enermax 460W SilentPlus PSU.

good for sh|ttin everywhere i bet.

"Never underestimate the predictability of Stupidity."
<A HREF="http://www.cameronwilliamson.com" target="_new">-={Messianic Maniac.}=-</A>
<font color=green>{FLM}</font color=green>

Ok.... new joke (corny one too)

So one day there was this train operator, he was about to go around a bend when he sees a bunch of kids playing in their little sand box. At this sight something inside of him snaps, he becomes so enraged. What he does next is push the train to full throttle, derailing the train at the turn and flattening all the kids into bite size morsels.

Next day the guy appears before a judge. The judge says, "Let's see... it says you purposely derailed a train and killed a bunch of innocent kids. For that you will receive death by electricution.

A few days later he's all ready to day. The officer says, "This is your last night alive, any requests for a final meal?" The man says yes, "There is this blue banana on top of Mt. Everest that I'm dying to have, thats all I want, nothing else." A little weary the officer agrees to go get it. He sends a few of his officers there. On the climb up frost and hunger kill two of the men but sure enough, there it is, the blue banana is there.

The officer says, "I hope you enjoy this blue banana, two of my finest men died for this." The man thanks him, eats the banana and gets put on the electric chair the next day. They turn it on and he sits there for an hour but he's not dying. The officer says, well since you withstood what could've killed 100 men, you technically served your sentence so we'll let you go.

A few weeks later the man finds another job at another train company. This time around he sees a bunch of nuns crossing the tracks. He becomes infuriated, speeds up and makes some nun soup. Next day he's before the judge. The judge tells him he has to go to the electric chair again.

The officer asks him for his last meal. Of course the man will ask for his blue banana, but this time its in Death Valley. The officers go there and wolves ravage their team. The officer goes back and gives him the blue banana telling him to savior it because he lost men. Next morning he goes to the electric chair for 2 hours and still wont die. The officer, being as religious as he is, decides fate wants this man to live so he lets him go.

Few weeks later the man gets another job at a train company. Something else pisses him off and he drives the train through 10 houses killing everyone of its occupants. He goes to the judge and the judge is also pissed off. He says, "You've killed too many people, this time your going to the chair and it will remain on until you die."

Couple days later he's asked for his last meal, again the blue banana. Here it is down on the bottom of the Pacific Ocean. For some reason the officer decides to get it. No casualities but it was tough as anything to get it. The Officer doesn't even say anything to him and lets him eat it.

Next day the man is on the chair, 5 hours pass and he's still not dead. The officer enraged asks the man, "Why won't you die, is it something to do with the blue banana?"

The man then replies, "No, I guess I'm just a bad conductor."

-----------------------
[mind went blank]

No one like my joke ?

-----------------------
[mind went blank]

Hope's ferocious new guard dog? What, did she trade in Piper..?

<font color=red>"Wayne Rooney won't just be a legend. He'll be THE legend" - David Unsworth </font color=red>

LOL!

A guy goes to see his doctor.
Doctor says "What seems to be the problem?"
Guy: "well, erm, it's a bit embarrassing really....."
Doctor: "Look, I'm a doctor, you can tell me anything"
Guy: "It might be best if I show you". He stands up, drops his trousers and shorts and bends over, revealing an arsehole the size of a football.
Doctor: "good lord, what the hell happenned to you?" he says, staring in disbelief
Guy: "Well, I was on a safari holiday in Kenya, when I got raped by and African bull elephant"
Doctor: "But, that's impossible, that could have caused those injuries, bull elephants have long, slim penises"
Guy: "Ah, well, he fingured me first"

<font color=red>"Wayne Rooney won't just be a legend. He'll be THE legend" - David Unsworth </font color=red>

She appears to have trained her incredibly well. Trained to smell alcohol on you at 20 feet.

<font color=red>"Wayne Rooney won't just be a legend. He'll be THE legend" - David Unsworth </font color=red>