Archived from groups: rec.games.computer.ultima.dragons (
More info?)
Samurai wrote:
> Quoth Polychromic <macecil@comcast.net>:
> ...
> > Sweet, sweet mammoths. Do you shave them or just roast
> > the fur off?
>
> Bake them in clay, and it comes off when you break the result open.
> You need a pretty big oven, though.
A little more precisely...
CARPATHIAN BAKED MAMMOTH
(Serves 20 non-judgmental people with strong jaws and low self-esteem)
You will need:
One (1) mammoth, preferably dead (this will make it easier)
One (1) dispensable hillside loaded with the appropriate *soil*
One (1) blast pit or silo (not "soil")
Two (2) 55 gallon oil drums
Eggs, sugar, salted butter
Paprika, by the truckload
Wine (the more, the better. Trust me on this one.)
Lots of free time
Volunteers
First you will need to obtain your mammoth. Determining the precise
mechanics of this is left as an exercise for the reader, but the method
of dispatch should take into consideration that -- essentially -- the
beast should remain whole and more-or-less in its original shape.
Consequently, the popular method employed by our ancestors, e.g.,
chasing the beastly thing over the edge of a cliff, is perhaps not the
most appropriate for advanced. In any case, choose your cliff widely.
Er. Wisely, even.
Once the carcass has been left in a cool draught to un-heat, clean and
sterilise the oildrums to prepare for insertion. Chasten the principal
apertures with a broomstick, or shovel.
Open the wine. Drink most of it as soon as possible.
Steering the oildrums carefully, proceed to achieve maximum humiliation
on an open-ended trajectory. This is necessary to ensure the effective
conduction of heat to all parts of the meat throughout the subsequent
cook-off. To be entirely sure, the enthusiastic amateur may see fit to
load the inserted drums with rocket fuel. In this case, remember not to
ignite anything until the carcass has been fully rusticated (q.v.)
Taking a firm bodily command of your chosen hillside -- and for best
results one really *should* use Dorton Moor piebald clay (available for
order from
www.StuffToHelpBakeThingsThatWouldOtherwiseBeAWasteOfBloodyTime.com)
although the French school have achieved interesting variations using
sharp sand and quick-drying cement -- lovingly smear your meal with
thick gouts of sticky earth. Rinse thoroughly until shimmering and
rampant.
Convey the result to a furnace. Place inside and roast begrudgingly
under an unassuming heat for three days. In the meantime, have the rest
of the wine. Marshall some volunteers and hire a steam-hammer.
After three days and three nights, reluctate your oven and retrieve
your meal from its stony chrysalis. With a well-baked coat of piebald
clay, that prickly, messy coat should peel away just like an orange, if
oranges were designed by Tony Benn. The oildrums should not be removed
under any circumstances and will in any case be very serviceable as
sockets for a rotisserie mounting.
Paste the eggs, paprika, sugar, and whatever's left of the wine into an
unseeing glaze, apply liberally to many of the surfaces, and return to
the oven. Once the meat is sufficiently excellent, remove and serve
instantly, before anyone has the opportunity to get slightly bored.
Viola! Watch out Gordon Elliot...
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