I'm an ancient and never had a smartphone. I want one and I need some help.
-no data plan (don't need 3G or whatever)
-mp3 ringtone (therefore plays mp3 etc)
-connect to pc (transfer mp3 etc, via cable or bluetooth)
-expandable memory (microsd usually, 8GB or more, to store mp3/movie/etc)
-not from China (ie: cect i9 aka iPhone clone)
-either touchscreen or (physical) qwerty keyboard
-wifi (connect to my wireless router at home or any wifi)
If you can find a smart phone on say ebay or some other place where you can get a decent discount, it would work if you can find one that works on GSM, i.e. takes a SIM card. For example, if you like Blackberries, I think that one would suit your needs rather well.
I can only speak to Blackberries, as I am what you would consider a chronic abuser;)
The ones I recommend would be (ones that I know are GSM):
-BB Curve 8520 or 8900
-BB Bold 9000 or 9700
-BB Torch (if you can find a cheap one)
I have a BB Tour 9630, which is a CDMA phone, but it is most similar to the Bold 9700. The keyboard is excellent for texting, the screen is crisp, good camera (even though it is only 3.2MP), etc... The only difference is that mine doesn't have WiFi, but I believe that the 9700 does. Take a look at those and see what you think.