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The Parrot

Forum Old Man/Woman's Club : Other - The Parrot

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

<pre>_____________________________________
And the sign says "You got to have a membership card to get inside" Huh
So I got me a pen and paper And I made up my own little sign</pre>

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LOL! Really, I really laughed out loud, I'm not just faking it!

Only a place as big as the internet could be home to a hero as big as Crashman!
Only a place as big as the internet could be home to an ego as large as Crashman's!

Reply to Crashman

lol

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<A HREF="http://www.mozilla.org/products/firefox" target="_new">Rediscover the web</A>

Reply to Spitfire_x86

As a man nearing the age of 65 plus a few months, I went to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time, I got to the counter.

As a man nearing the age of 65 plus a few months, I went to apply for social security. After waiting in line a long time, I got to the counter.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman "that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home. I will have to go home and come back later."

The woman said to me, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and processed my social security application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the social security office.

She said: "You should have dropped your pants; you might have gotten disability too."

<pre>\\//__________________________________
And the sign says "You got to have a membership card to get inside" Huh
So I got me a pen and paper And I made up my own little sign</pre>

Reply to RichPLS

stutter

"Never underestimate the predictability of Stupidity."
<A HREF="http://www.cameronwilliamson.com" target="_new">-={Neurotic Narcissist.}=-</A>
{FLM}

Reply to mrface

Have you seen the new Burger King commercials?
Look, if the Burger King wants to bring the Beefboy breakfast in bed, I’m down with that, but once he delivers that fat sammich to my paws he needs to get the [-peep-] out! We’re not going to sit around in bed, wax romantic and glad-hand each other all morning. Besides, that guy is a little creepy. No one smiles all the [-peep-] time except for Nancy Pelosi and the Joker, neither of which I want in my bed. Dig it!

<pre>\\//__________________________________
And the sign says "You got to have a membership card to get inside" Huh
So I got me a pen and paper And I made up my own little sign</pre>

Reply to RichPLS

Hmm, so I'm not the only person who thought the commercial might be homo-erotic?

Only a place as big as the internet could be home to a hero as big as Crashman!
Only a place as big as the internet could be home to an ego as large as Crashman's!

Reply to Crashman

Fvckin scary dude. Dumbass is likely to get himself killed doin stupid sh!t like that. I got a bat I keep right next to my bed for just such an occasion.

Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman.

Reply to stupid_tech_geek

A crusty old Marine Corps Colonel found himself at a gala event downtown, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the colonel for conversation. She said, "excuse me, sir, but you seem to be a very serious man, are you this way all the time, or is something bothering you?

"No," the colonel said, "just serious by nature!" The young lady looked at his awards and decorations, and said, "it looks like you have seen a lot of action" the colonel's short reply was, "Yes, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "you know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself." The colonel just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "you know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

The colonel looked at her and replied, "1955." She said, "well there you go, you really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously. . . . I mean, no sex since 1955, isn't that a little extreme?"

The colonel, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "oh, I don't know. It's only 2130 now."

<pre>\\//__________________________________
And the sign says "You got to have a membership card to get inside" Huh
So I got me a pen and paper And I made up my own little sign</pre>

Reply to RichPLS

WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"

WIFE: "Why not- don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."

WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."

WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes load groan)

WIFE: "Would you let her sleep in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"

WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."

WIFE: "Would you let her use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left handed."

WIFE: ---silence-
HUSBAND: ---Dead-

<pre>\\//__________________________________
And the sign says "You got to have a membership card to get inside" Huh
So I got me a pen and paper And I made up my own little sign</pre>

Reply to RichPLS

This good looking man walks into an agent's office in Hollywood and says "I
want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy says, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into hollywood, you are gonna have to
change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by ch anging my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in
Hollywood for years... you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I
will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we! will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER......
The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awestruck ... who would possibly send him $50,000?
He reads the letter enclosed...
"Dear Sir,
Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become anactor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your advice.

Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

<pre>\\//__________________________________
And the sign says "You got to have a membership card to get inside" Huh
So I got me a pen and paper And I made up my own little sign</pre>

Reply to RichPLS

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." said Bob "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and hes aid, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything".

(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?)
Now keep that smile for the rest of the day.

<pre>\\//__________________________________
And the sign says "You got to have a membership card to get inside" Huh
So I got me a pen and paper And I made up my own little sign</pre>

Reply to RichPLS

A mommy mole a daddy mole and and a baby mole were leaving one day to go for a walk. The daddy mole was the first one to squeeze up through hole. He sniffs the air and sighs, " Ah, the sweet sweet smell of honey!" The mommy mole squeezes up beside him and sniffs the air. "I smell sweet maple syrup", she exclaims. The baby mole, still stuck down in the hole, says, "this sucks, all I smell is mole-asses!"

<pre>\\//__________________________________
And the sign says "You got to have a membership card to get inside" Huh
So I got me a pen and paper And I made up my own little sign</pre>

Reply to RichPLS

Damn you, you made me LOL AGAIN! I had to tell the joke to my wife because she heard me laughing!

Only a place as big as the internet could be home to a hero as big as Crashman!
Only a place as big as the internet could be home to an ego as large as Crashman's!

Reply to Crashman

An old timer in Scotland sits down at the bar. The bartender notices the guy is depressed and asks him why.
See that fence over there? I built it but do they call me Mcgregor the fence builder? No.
And those trees, I planted em myself but no one calls me Mcgregor the tree planter.
The old man becomes silent and looks into his beer for a moment.

But you hump one goat....

Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman.

Reply to stupid_tech_geek

Why'd the blonde have lipstick smeared on her stearing wheel? She tried to blow the horn.

Best serial killer pickup line?
Excuse me miss, does this napkin smell like chloroform to you?

Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman.

Reply to stupid_tech_geek

LMAO again!

<pre>\\//__________________________________
And the sign says "You got to have a membership card to get inside" Huh
So I got me a pen and paper And I made up my own little sign</pre>

Reply to RichPLS

A guy has one too many drinks at the bar, then ambles off to the bathroom. While he's doing his business a very short guy takes the urinal next to him and whips out a 10inch johnson. "I'm sorry for staring" says the guy "but your huge" "That's because I'm a leprechaun" says the short guy
" and all leprechauns are well endowed."
"I'd do anything to have a penis that size" sighs the guy.
"It just so happens that I can grant wishes"says the leprechaun " and if you let me give it to you in the bathroom stall I'll give you a bigger penis".
The man thinks it over and decides he wants a giant schlong. As they're going at it the man cries out "I can't belive I'm letting a leprechaun screw me". To which the short man replies " I can't believe you really thought I was a leprechaun".

Homer: Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman.

Reply to stupid_tech_geek

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