<b>AMD Under Suspicion Of Illegal Arms Dealing</b>
In an unexpected turn of events today the Silver Phoenix Group has uncovered secret documents indicating that AMD is being examined by the Department of Homeland Security for selling munitions and other supplies to enemies of the United States. It came as little surprise to the Silver Phoenix Group who had already suspected AMD of foul dealings after their marketing slogan of "<font color=green>Show me every bead of sweat on every brow of the minions I now rule</font color=green>" turned out to be a litteral offer for a privacy-invasion service which used hidden embedded low-level code in AMD processors to gather information from micrphones and web cams that were connected to PCs and distribute this content to any source willing to cough up extravagant sums of money.
The Silver Phoenix Group, using their contacts in various second and third world countries, managed to obtain the following inverview with the alleged purchaser of munitions from AMD, Osama Been Naughty:
<font color=blue>SPG:</font color=blue> Osama, is it true that you purchased munitions from Advanced Macro Devices, Inc.?
<font color=red>Osama:</font color=red> Yes it is. I realized that if I was truly to be a terror to the filthy American pigs then I would need an array of Inter-Continental Ballistic Missiles that rivaled those of Sadam Insane. I had been scouring the black market for years when I came across AMD's "<font color=green>AMD me</font color=green>" marketing. They openly advertized that with the purchase of an Athlon 64 FX they would "<font color=green>turn my pad into a launching pad</font color=green>". And as sure as the deserts are lonely they did. My underground palace now has several ICBM launchers capable of delivering deadly chemical and biological weapons of mass destriction to the United States, all thanks to AMD.
<font color=blue>SPG:</font color=blue> What about the 'other supplies' refered to in the documents that we uncovered? Did AMD supply you with anything in addition to your ICBMs?
<font color=red>Osama:</font color=red> Indeed. The greed of the capitalist pigs knows no bounds. We were also able to obtain from AMD a secret new weapon that will make our fine beloved troops unstopable. It is a stim-pack that delivers heightened levels of adrenaline into the blood stream, making the soldiers stronger and faster than otherwise humanly possible. With these super-soldiers and our ICBMs we cannot lose in our war against the United States.
<pre><A HREF="http://ars.userfriendly.org/cartoons/?id=20030905" target="_new"><font color=black>People don't understand how hard being a dark god can be. - Hastur</font color=black></A></pre><p><P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1><EM>Edited by slvr_phoenix on 09/26/03 11:04 AM.</EM></FONT></P>
In a completely unrelated story the Silver Phoenix Group has finally uncovered evidence of the plot to unrelentlessly hock cheesy wares upon hungry and desperate customers. Long has been SPG's tireless search for the answer to why vending machine food tastes like crap. Upon his deathbed (completely unrelated to the endless hounding by the SPG in which the ensuing litigation in the courts will no doubt prove) Doctor Marvin Vending, under the affects of his latest 'medication' (as prescribed and administered by a professional SPG medtech) confessed to the conspiracy in the following interview (cleaned up from the slurring effects of the medication):
<font color=blue>SPG:</font color=blue> Dr. Vending, it is widely known that you were the father of the 'vending machine'. Tell us, how exactly did the idea start?
<font color=red>Dr. Vending:</font color=red> It was very simple actually. All of us resellers wanted to get rid of our excess products. There were just always products that didn't move as quickly as we'd like. And it occurred to me that even though the products may have been on the shelf a little too long for a <i>normal</i> consumer to desire purchasing, there must be a market that they could still be sold in. That market was the vending machine.
<font color=blue>SPG:</font color=blue> What exactly was this market?
<font color=red>Dr. Vending:</font color=red> Well imagine that you are hungry and that you have two choices. The first choice is to leave your building and travel what could possibly be miles to purchase a perfectly fine and satisfying hamburger from McRonald's. This choice could possibly get you fired for leaving your place of employment and certainly requires an amount of effort to travel. The second choice is to pick from a selection at an on-site unmanned mini-store.
<font color=red>Dr. Vending:</font color=red> No matter how unappealing that selection in the second option may in fact be, the factors of laziness, fear, or even the vain hope that the product might actually satisfy the customer, will almost always ensure a purchase. It requires virtually no money to operate and provides products to a market too desperate to care about the deteriorated quality of the product that may in fact not even be suitable for human consumption anymore. It provided us resellers with an abundance of places to dump our worst or damaged products.
<font color=blue>SPG:</font color=blue> So the whole purpose of the 'vending machine' was to sell products that by all rights should have been thrown into the trash to a helpless array of clients?
More like a frustrating day. I'd just spend a good four hours trying to debug a gaggle of new code changes that refused to work right. In the end (without changing a single line of code) removing the temporary object files so that it was forced to recompile <i>everything</i> fixed it. It turned out to not be my code at all. **ROFL** Suffice it to say that frustrated me greatly.
Plus with all of the absurdity going on over the P4EE vs. A64FX and THG vs. The World I figured that maybe some <i>actual</i> absurdity was due. You know, just to remind everyone what absurdity really looks like.
What else is the SPG working on?
As always, a great number of things. The SPG is constantly working hard to uncover that which big business and government (and sometimes small business or even just individuals) want to keep hidden. Of course I'm not at liberty to divulge anything deeper than that. That is a matter for the SPG.
But even then, the response from the experts has never been the <i>whole</i> truth, and the SPG has <i>finally</i> uncovered what computer geeks don't want <i>you</i> to know! The following was the interview with Dr. Bitwise Geekly, head of the Only Intelligent Users Foundation, a non-profit organization that has infiltrated the PC industry in a conspiracy to further their charter beliefs that no computer users should have an IQ under 120.
<font color=blue>SPG:</font color=blue> Dr. Geekly, thank you for taking the time to give us this interview. In brief could you please describe what your foundation has done for the computer industry?
<font color=red>Dr. Geekly:</font color=red> Why certainly. You see when computers were first invented the industry was protected by the complex nature of the machines and their strictly low-level interfaces. The <i>layman</i>, if you will, was simply too uneducated to dare touch one. This protected us PC engineers and skilled workers from the typical ignorami.
<font color=red>Dr. Geekly:</font color=red> However over the years the personal computer became a viable product. The interfaces with these devices grew to become more and more oriented towards people of lower intelligence. This could have led to many frustrated enginners if it had been allowed to proceed completely unchecked. That was when the need for the Only Intelligent Users Foundation became apparent.
<font color=red>Dr. Geekly:</font color=red> The idea was simple. We infiltrated as many leading businesses in the personal computer industry as we could and ensured that the PC would always have as many obstacles to the layman as possible, thus ensuring our safety and dominance. The second most brilliant of these operations was the development of the Any Key.
<font color=blue>SPG:</font color=blue> What was the purpose then of the Any Key?
<font color=red>Dr. Geekly:</font color=red> As I just said, the Any Key was designed to put those peons in their place. Anyone too stupid to realize that said key never actually existed would of course be weeded out from the typical PC user quikly and could be properly dealt with.
<font color=red>Dr. Geekly:</font color=red> However there was further true subtle genious to the idea. You see we purposely designed the software that asked for the Any Key to not actually accept literally any key. We made sure that keys like Ctrl, Alt, Shift, Caps Lock, Num Lock, Print Screen, Scroll Lock, and Pause would never work as the non-existant Any Key on any of the standard 101-key keyboards. And we made it even more difficult for users once Windows began to catch on by also making sure that the new Windows keys placed into the standard 104-key keyboards also did not work.
<font color=red>Dr. Geekly:</font color=red> And look at all of the new-fangled keyboards today with so many little extra buttons and do-dads where none of these extras are standardized and usually none of them will work as an Any Key! It's been a long battle to keep the ignorant masses in their place, and the Any Key has been one of our best weapons against them.
<font color=blue>SPG:</font color=blue> So the Any Key <i>is</i> part of a plot to make sure that only an expert can actually use a computer safely?