How to bag a Croc!

The solutions to many such seemingly complicated problems is often quite simple, yet they require a sense , the sense that is between sense and nonsense. For example, who wouldn't love to catch a crocodile? I have caught many of them, and it is really quite simple. Here is my method:

For this feat you will need the following items:

a) One very dull book
b) One spyglass, or pirate-type telescope
c) One empty matchbox (the little bitty "Three Torches" kind is what I use)
d) One pair of good tweezers
e) Sunscreen (always a good idea in North Africa)
f) A sack lunch in case you get hungry

Procedure:

Get yourself and your supplies to North Africa. Apply sunscreen. Find the Nile. Pick a wide flat riverside rock to set up operations on, and eat lunch now if you're hungry, since you won't have a chance later.

Now, pull out that very dull book and start reading it aloud. A little-known attribute of the Nile crocodile (Crocodylus niloticus) is that he is a sucker for ruses; this is, perhaps, best understood by noting that the psychology of the Nile crocodile is, in itself, geared toward the deception of its prey so that it might sneak up on it--this is where the erroneous belief in "crocodile tears" comes from.

At any rate, a crocodile will, after a time, be irresistibly drawn to your riverside spot by the sound of your orations. Do not panic at his approach; simply continue reading aloud in your most monotone voice. Soothed by your voice and the dull nature of the book, the reptile will soon fall into a deep sleep at your feet.

Now, carefully set aside your book and produce the spyglass, matchbox and tweezers. Open the matchbox and set it aside. Extend your spyglass and put its larger end to your eye, while pointing the smaller end at the sleeping croc. Gingerly take your tweezers and pick up the creature and place him inside the open matchbox. Close the matchbox and put it into the pocket of your jodphurs. Gather your things up and go home, making sure to pack out any trash from your lunch before you leave.

Once you have gotten home, you will, of course, require the spyglass and tweezers to remove the crocodile from his tiny prison. Big crocs are happiest in farmponds or city sewer systems. Should he later appear to be pining for things Egyptian, you can always place in and around his new environment an obelisk or two to make him feel at home. Finally, please note that Crocodylus niloticus is an ancient creature whose origins date back to the middle of the Paleozoic Era some 320 million years ago; as such, he is an excellent source of information when it comes to narrating the early history of our Earth by retelling for your delight the legends and histories passed down to him orally by his forbears. In order to understand him, you will need to learn the crocodilian tongue; for an excellent introduction to this fascinating language, please see relevant chapters on the subject contained in Aleister Higinnbotham's seminal work in this field entitled, Reptilian Linguistics of the Mid-Missippian Period: A Primer, 2nd edition, published by Tanner & Tanner, London, 1837.

I do hope you find this information informative. Should you have trouble locating "a very dull book" for your expedition, please don't hesistate to enquire of me further: I can recommend several books of 20th century poetry that will fill the bill nicely.

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