I was so ugly...when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
In my life I've been through plenty. when I was three years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.
When I was a kid, I never went to Disneyland. My ol' man told me Mickey Mouse died in a cancer experiement.
When my parents got divorced there was a custody fight over me... and no one showed up.
I like to date schoolteachers. If you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
A homeless guy came up to me on the street, said he hadn't eaten in four days. I told him, "Man, I wish I had your willpower."
I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook. After dinner, I don't brush my teeth. I count them.
What a childhood I had. My mother never breast-fed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".
My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through."
I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
…went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. "Surprise me", I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at prisons and wait for parolees.
I have three kids, one of each.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
))))))))))))) Great joke, can't stop laugh!
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