Ok, since no one knew anything about this and I am not the only one to have had this problem, I'll go ahead and post my findings here for future reference to anyone else hoplessly Googling for an answer.
The wireless card is crap. Just about the only thing its reliably good for is its Bluetooth 4.0, but if you're like me, you don't even use that. Luckily, there's a fairly simple solution: you can replace the wireless card with the Intel 6230
for only $24 or so. There aren't any stickers or sensors to let Acer know that you've opened the case, so as long as you're careful and keep the old wifi card to pop back in, you shouldn't have problems with claiming your warranty if something goes wrong with something else.
Everything else about this laptop is great, it's a shame Acer elected to put this terrible wifi card in this computer and others (methinks they got a raw deal and had to use a massive stock of them up somehow).