MORE Jokes!

<font color=green>A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''

The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!'' </font color=green>



The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an a-hole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuem, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear".
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.


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<font color=red>Is there a help group forum</font color=red><font color=green> for forum addiction?</font color=green>

Thats damn funny and even better because its true!

Screw overclocking my comps got <font color=red>NOS</font color=red>! Point and click interface by Smith and Wesson

Continuing with the M$ trend here:

This actually happened.

A spokesman for M$ was saying how computers have come so far in the past little while and was comparing the progress in the PC industry to the progress in the automotive industry. He said that if GM was working at a M$ pace, we'd all be driving something like 45000 hp V120 engines and be able to go 100 000 mph for years on end on a thimble of fuel. A spokeman for GM replied to that by simply saying: "Yeah, but would you really want a car that crashed twice a day?"

Lyrics. Wasted time between solos.

> >TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH:
> >
> >Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it
> >down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't
> >hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
> >
> >ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit,
> >not a color.
> >
> >If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
> girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
> >
> >If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
> >ask us. We refuse to answer.
> >
> >Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
> >attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons
> >guys fear getting married is that married women
> always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
> >
> >Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not
> quests for us to see if we can find the perfect present -
> yet again!
> >
> >If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
> >expect an answer you don't want to hear.
> >
> >Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live
> >with it.
> >
> >Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you
> >are prepared to discuss such topics as beer, the
> >shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
> >
> >Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the
> >changing of the tides. Let it be.
> >
> >Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going
> >to think of it that way.
> >
> >When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
> >you wear is fine. Really.
> >
> >You have enough clothes.
> >
> >You have too many shoes.
> >
> >Crying is blackmail.
> >
> >Ask for what you want.
> >
> >Let's be clear on this one:
> >Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work.
> >Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
> >
> >No, we don't know what day it is. We never will.
> >So mark anniversaries on the calendar.
> >
> >Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound
> >to miss sometimes.
> >
> >Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you
> >think he'd be any good at choosing which pair, out
> ofthirty, would look good with your dress?
> >
> >Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to
> almost every question.
> >
> >Come to us with a problem only if you want help
> solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
> >
> >A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
> See a doctor.
> >
> >Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless
> it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really
> >matter what the #### they're saying anyway.)
> >
> >Check your oil.
> >
> >It is neither in your best interest nor ours to
> take the quiz together.
> >
> >No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
> >
> >Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
> argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
> >
> >If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
> and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the
> other one.
> >
> >Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's
> genetic.
> >
> >You can either tell us to do something OR tell us
> how to do something, but not both.
> >
> >Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
> say during commercials.
> >
> >If it itches, it will be scratched.
> >
> >Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
> >
> >If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we
> will act like nothing's wrong. We know you're lying, but
> it's just not worth the hassle.
> >
> >Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to
> sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!


- I got a board too: http://www.impactsites2000.com/cgi [...] d.cgi&lt;P ID="edit"><FONT SIZE=-1><EM>Edited by ChrisLudwig on 07/24/01 06:07 PM.</EM></FONT></P>

That's one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time

-----------------
Whoever thinks up a good sig for me gets a prize

Lmao, still a good one

<font color=blue>Is there a forum </font color=blue><font color=purple>for forum addiction?</font color=purple>

Yeah, not addicted anymore, I have been beamed clean!


<font color=orange>Beam</font color=orange><font color=red> me</font color=red><font color=green> up</font color=green><font color=blue> Scotty</font color=blue>

Wow, I was an Honorary Poster way back then? I must have slowed down my posting.

<font color=green>I post so you don't have to!
9/11 - RIP</font color=green>

Mr. Jack was in a airport lobby when he saw Mr. Bill Gates waiting for his flight.
He walked upto him and greeted him. Mr. Gates wasnt too pleased but what the heck, it was more than a hour for his flight. Mr. Jack asked him. <font color=green>Mr.Gates, my girlfriend is coming to see me off, when she arrives would you please put your hand on my shoulder and say "How are you Jack?"</font color=green>

What the heck, it was more than a hour for the flight, Mr. gates agreed.

Jack's girlfriend arrived they hugged and kissed and started talking. Mr. gates walked over, put his hand over Jack's shoulder and said <font color=red>Hi Jack, how are you?</font color=red>

Jack looked upon Mr.Gates and said <font color=green>Later Gates, I am busy!!</font color=green>

<font color=red>No system is fool-proof. Fools are Ingenious!</font color=red>

I don't think you got it. He just wanted his girlfriend to see him blowing off gates.

Nice <b><font color=green>Lizards</b></font color=green> <b>crunch</b> Trolls cookies....... Yummy!!

Started work after two years off, so I dont have a lot of time to be in here.


<font color=orange>Beam</font color=orange><font color=red> me</font color=red><font color=green> up</font color=green><font color=blue> Scotty</font color=blue>

had too many burgers tonight?

<font color=red>No system is fool-proof. Fools are Ingenious!</font color=red>

never mind!

It wasnt so funny anyway.

If you see Mr.Gates at the airport, do ask him "Hey Billy, wanna burger?!"

<font color=red>No system is fool-proof. Fools are Ingenious!</font color=red>

Ok, so you're a radiologist for a day. One of your assistants hands you this slide:
<A HREF="http://www.mdchoice.com/photo/img0034.asp" target="_new">http://www.mdchoice.com/photo/img0034.asp</A>








Your initial assessment of the situation is:

a) WTF?!

b) WTF?! is *THAT*?

c) WhTF?! (where) is it?

d) HTF?! (how) did it get there in the first place?

e) HTF?! is she going to get it out of there?

f) OHN! (ohellno) I don't want anything to do with that; she's your patient.

g) GTF! (get) out of my lab with that!



On a similar note, but much less grafic, here's another little tidbit to ponder.





Why The Internet Meets All of Our Needs

Everyone understands, of course, that the Internet (or, as the hip San Franciscan dot-commers prefer to call it, the Information Superhighway - or at least, what they call it when they aren't begging for change) is the greatest invention in the history of humanity. However, few people understand exactly why it is so perfect.

The purpose of this brief, insightful essay is to explain why the Internet is so great. You see, the Information Superhighway can serve to meet every major human need. Everything any reasonable human could want is available on the web, and can be obtained without prying your ass out of the groove it has formed in your Office Max chair.

To structure this piece, I was going to analyze human desires using Maslow's famous Hierarchy of Needs. However, as my DSL connection was down, I was unable to look up what they are. Therefore, I needed to guess.
As I see it, Maslow thought that the basic human needs, in ascending order of complexity, are

i. Immediate personal safety.
ii. Food.
iii. Emotional Intimacy.
iv. Not Getting Anthrax.
v. The Ability To Make Yourself Feel Better By Making Others Feel Worse.
vi. Porn.

Here are helpful examples of how the Internet (or, to use my own term, "Cyberspace" ) helps us meet these basic, primal needs.

i. Immediate personal safety.
What does it mean to be using the Internet? It means that you are indoors, in a building with electricity (and thus, most likely, bathrooms, central heating, and locks on the doors). You aren't out in the wilderness being torn apart by coyotes, on the street getting run over by a car, or in Afghanistan, or in jail. Thus, roaming through "Cyberspace" has already brought us a considerable personal safety dividend.
That assumes, of course, that you aren't one of those Carpal Tunnel Syndrome wussies.

ii. Food.
Of course, all of the online grocery delivery services have gone or are in the process of going out of business, thus proving that there is a just God. But there is still a wide variety of sustaining food available on the Internet. In a short period of time, I was able to find web sites selling:

Bacon.
Cheese.
Chocolate.
Wine.

Speaking as someone who has been living on basically nothing but these four things for years, and who feels that if it's good enough for him it's good enough for everyone else, including infants and heart patients, I have to say that the Internet passes the food test with flying colors.

iii. Emotional Intimacy.
Once the basic necessities of life are obtained, all healthy human beings instinctively reach for the closeness of human contact. On the Internet, it is possible to obtain such contact without trying hard or, in fact, at all.
This morning, for example, I got an E-mail from a friendly but total stranger who assured me that "Hot Asian Teens are Waiting For You!" Fancy that! Not only is someone waiting to make my acquaintance, but, if someone does want to meet me, all other things being equal, I would prefer that they be hot, teen, and Asian.

This is the sort of warmth that the Internet engenders in its denizens. It's the sort of emotional closeness that comes from not actually having to be in the room with the person you're being close to.
I mean, face it. You hate people. They're lumpy. They smell bad, especially in the morning. Even the ones you claim to like, your children, your "soulmate", your "mom", drive you nuts pretty [-peep-] much all the time. If people really liked people, we'd still spend time living in close-knit villages, instead of hiding in our basements with our computers.
People suck. And that's why the best, most fulfilling relationships are held via electrons, with someone at least 2000 miles away, and, in the best case, facilitated by a credit card.

iv. Not Getting Anthrax.
If you are going to be killed by anthrax, and, let's be honest here, you are going to be killed by anthrax, you might as well delay it as long as possible. And the best way to do that is by never leaving the house.
Nothing facilitates never leaving the house like the Internet.

v. The ability to make yourself feel better by making others feel worse.
If there was any justice in this universe, the things I've said online would have gotten my ass kicked, like, a thousand times. But there is no justice.
So, when a twelve-year-old on Usenet asks on rec.pets.cats why his kitty makes hacking noises, I can respond, with impunity, "bone cancer." Whether a message is about Everquest, breast-feeding techniques, or Jethro Tull, I am capable of writing something which will make someone, somewhere, have a worse day. And where before I might have had to worry about getting shanked by someone's bare bodkin, today I can sleep the sleep of the just.

vi. Porn.
Consider, for a moment, this. At various points in history, how much effort and expense would it take to see a Japanese girl give herself an orange juice enema?

Five hundred years ago, at minimum, it would have taken an incredibly difficult and dangerous sea voyage. Then you would have to overcome the language barrier and the whole hack to death with swords issue. And, even if you found a properly inclined woman, there is still the non-trivial issue of getting the oranges.
One hundred years ago, the oranges were easier to attain, you could hire a translator, and the sea voyage would probably not kill you. But it would still take many months of effort, and a lot of Japanese people of both sexes would finish with a lower opinion of you.
Fifty years ago, it would have been World War Two. You would have shown up on the Japanese shores and been shot. No love there.

But now, today, with the Internet, you can see a picture of a Japanese girl giving herself an orange juice enema with almost trivial ease. Actually, I have been finding that the problem is surfing the web and NOT finding a picture of a Japanese girl giving herself an orange juice enema. Or, failing that, finding a therapeutic technique which would enable me to burn said image out of my head. Please.

Conclusion:
We all know the Internet is great. Without it, I would never have learned the etiquette of meeting a Russian mail-order bride, multiple techniques for reversing circumcision, or how easy it is to make an eight-year-old cry.
But now we know how well the Internet does at fulfilling all of our human needs. It feeds us, gives us love, and keeps us from getting diseases.
Just bear this in mind the next time a combination of Hotmail macro viruses and denial of service attacks slows the net to a halt. Because, as I have just proven, in the Internet ever grinds to a halt, you will be killed.


Rich is the nation that has many war heroes. Long since forgotten...