Jokes, Sorta

Enjoy.

If you throw a cat out of the car window, does it become kitty litter?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
What do chickens think we taste like?
What do people in China call their good plates?
What do you call a male ladybug?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why are there Interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices in the seats of planes instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations where smoking is prohibited?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If the 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why does it have locks on the door?
If a firefighter fights fire and a crime fighter fights crime, what does a freedom fighter fight?
If they squeeze olives to get olive oil, how do they get baby oil?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of a drive-up ATM?
Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?


Life's Reflections"

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your
groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain,
no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze
pilots wore helmets.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have
been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad
at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head
out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an
idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go
out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long
somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always
locking three of them

One out of every three Americans is suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best
friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I
think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it,
maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

-------------------------

Whoopi Goldberg will return as host of the Oscars in March.
Goldberg last hosted the event in 1999...

... Whoopi is ALWAYS free on awards night...

-------------------------
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his
desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff
that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react
to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them
scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
-------------------------
After 11 years of marriage, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman
said Monday that they are separating because their work is
keeping them apart...

... So they need some time apart from not seeing each other...?
-------------------------
"What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe? A canoe tips."
--Muhammad Ali, at the premiere party for the biographical
movie "Ali," before a crowd of politicians and Hollywood
figures at the Cafe Milano in Washington, D.C.

"No, no, no, don't..."
Ali's wife, Lonnie, pleading for him not to tell the next
joke (according to the Washington Post)

"A black, a Puerto Rican and a Mexican are in a car. Who's
driving? The police."
--Muhammad Ali's second joke at the premiere party for "Ali".

------------------------------

Top 6 Idiots of 2001

Idiot # 1 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in orderto kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room right away.

Idiot # 2 A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag. " While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Idiot # 3 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, The robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21. " The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him.

At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot # 4 A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move! " When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot # 5 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot # 6 Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 12: 50 A. M. , flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

[babble] I got some of these jokes from this newsletter that I don't remember me signing up for by a guy named Rodney Lee so get off my back man [/babble]

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?