Hooter Jokes

Here are some I just received. Not hooter jokes, but quite good. The Brits on the forum will appreciate them.

SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A COCKNEY BASTARD

1. You say 'mate' constantly.

2. You think it is perfectly normal to pay over 3.00 for a pint.

3. Anyone not from London is a 'wanker'.

4. Anyone from outside London and north of Watford is a 'Northern Wanker'.

5. You have no idea where the North is.

6. You see All Saints in the Bar Med (again) and find it hard to get excited about it.

7. The countryside makes you nervous.

8. Somebody speaks to you on the tube and you freak out thinking they are a stalker.

9. American tourists no longer annoy you.

10. You talk in postcodes. "God, it was really warm round SW1 the other day".

11. You can't remember the last time you got up to 30 mph in your car.

12. You didn't realise that 'Paddington Green' is REAL.



SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A MANCHESTER TOSSER

1. You go mad when somebody who is not from Manchester says 'mad fer it', "Nobody says that EVER!" you scream.

2. You say 'mad fer it' when back in Manchester.

3. You think fisherman's hats are attractive.

4. You support Man City out of principle.

5. You see Coronation Street stars all the time and think nothing of it.

6. You think Londoners are 'soft southern wankers'... until they kick your head in at a footie match.

7. You get a freckle and consider yourself 'suntanned'

8. You deny that it rains all the time.. as you struggle home with the shopping in yet another torrential downpour.

9. You won't pay more than 1.50 for a wrap of skag

10. People start yawning when you talk about how great Manchester is



SIGNS THAT YOU'RE A SCOUSE GIT

1. You have an urge to steal.

2. You think Brookside is a 'glamorous' soap.

3. You think Hollyoaks is 'posh'.

4. You keep going on about how great Liverpool and Scousers are.

5. To you, organised crime is putting petrol in the getaway car.

6. You start to cry when you hear 'Ferry cross the Mersey'.

7. You think anyone from Liverpool has a great sense of humour.

8. You often wonder why you don't hear of many Scouse comedians any more.

9. You think everyone's heard of Greg Pateras

10. You start thinking that Plymouth sounds nice.



SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN GLASGOW TOO LONG

1. You say 'pish' all the time.

2. You say 'aye' all the time.

3. You end sentences with 'like' i.e. 'I'm no goin' there, like, it's pish'.

4. You think McEwans beer is great, ignoring the fact it 'tastes of pish like'.

5. You get an urge to punch everybody you meet.

6. You punch everybody you meet.

7. You get drunk before, after and during punching everybody you meet.

8. You are incomprehensible.

9. People seem to be scared of you when you say where you are from.

10. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing the words 'Edinburgh'or 'England'.

11. You have heart disease aged 26 due to all deep-fried pizzas you have consumed since birth.



SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN DUBLIN TOO LONG

1. You say "I'm Grand" all the time.

2. You think of Guinness as if it is the sixth food group.

3. You disagreed with 2. - Guinness is the FIRST food group.

4. You're pale and white... yet compared to others your suntan looks good.

5. You say "Are you Grand ?" all the time.

6. You say "Isn't it grand" all the time.

7. You say "That'd be grand" all the time.

8. You can pronounce names like Eoghan, Niamh and Siobhan.

9. You take 4 hours to get home on a Saturday night and think nothing of it.

10. You don't eat anything cold, uncooked or not resembling meat, bread or potatoes

11. You say "Your man" all the time.

12. You say "Your woman" all the time.

13. You say "It's grand that your man asked if I'm grand" all the time.

14. You find yourself still living with family and having dinners cooked for you by someone's mammy - at 30.

15. You talk about 'dinners' and 'mammys'.



SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN CARDIFF TOO LONG

1. You are still there.



SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN IN ABERDEEN TOO LONG

1. All women, no matter how ugly, look attractive. So do sheepskin rugs...

2. Every heterosexual bloke is obviously a poof

3. You wear your dull winter clothes all year round

4. When you say "Fit" your either talking about your foot or asking "what?"

5. You have a new disease called "Chilli, Chips and Cheese Syndrome"

6. You glare aggressively at everyone on the street

7. You own a Subaru Imprezza

8. You automatically get the urge to kill on hearing any word from the Oxford English Dictionary - emphasis on "English"

9. The world outside Aberdeen simply doesn't exist

10. A good night out is getting drunk with hundreds of blokes, having a fist fight with an ugly woman then snaffling a dodgy kebab on the way home.

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THE DIARY OF AN ENGLISH MAN LIVING IN THE HIGHLANDS

"OUR FIRST WINTER "

DEC 20TH: It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first we've seen for years. The wife and I took out our hot toddies and sat on the porch watching the fluffy soft flakes drift gently down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It's so beautiful and peaceful.

DEC 24th: We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white glistening snow, covering as far as the eye could see. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and bush covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shovelled snow for the first time ever and loved it. I did both our driveway and the pavement. Later that day a snowplough came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shovelled it away again. The children next door built
a snowman with coal for eyes and a carrot for a nose, and had a snowball fight, a couple just missed me and hit the car so I threw a couple back and joined in their fun.

DEC 26th: It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temperature dropped to around minus 8 degrees. Several branches on our trees and bushes snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shovelled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplough came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now a brownish/grey.

JAN 1st: Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which soon became ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tyres for both our cars. Fell on my arse in the driveway. Went to a physio but nothing was broken.

JAN 5th: Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought her a 4x4 to get her to work. She slid into a wall and did considerable damage to the right wing. Had another 8 inches of white shite last night. Both vehicles are covered in salt and iced up slush. That bloody snowplough came by twice today. Where's that shovel?

JAN 9th: More bloody snow. Not a tree or bush on our property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a paraffin heater which tipped over and nearly torched the house. I managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd Degree burns on my hands. Lost all my eye brows and eyelashes. Car hit a deer on the way to casualty and was written off.

JAN 13th: F*****g snow just keeps on coming down. Have to put on every article of clothing just to go to the post box the little buggers next door ambushed me with snowballs on the way back - I'll shove that carrot so far up the little pricks arse it'll take a good surgeon hours to find it. If I ever catch the arsehole that drives the snowplough I'll chew open his chest and rip out his heart with my teeth. I think the b******d hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shovelling and then he accelerates down the street like Michael "f*****g" Schumacher and buries the driveway again.

JAN 17th: 16 more sodding inches of f*****g snow and f*****g ice and f*****g sleet and god knows what other white shite fell last night. I am in court in 3 months time for assaulting the snowplough driver with an ice-pick. Can't move my f*****g toes. Haven't seen the sun for 5 weeks. Minus 20 and more f*****g snow forecast.

F**K THIS, I'M MOVING BACK TO LONDON

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Have any of these chat up lines worked for you?


I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.

(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wetclothes.

Nice legs...what time do they open?

Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only onetalking to you.

I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.

Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.

If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

(Look down at your crotch) Well It's not just going to suck itself.

You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.

You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.

I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?

Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why, don't you like pizza?

Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I

Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them.

<b><font color=blue>~scribble~</font color=blue></b> <A HREF="http://www.ud.com/home.htm" target="_new">Help cure cancer.</A>

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are
spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape (no pun intended). He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet, he
grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obvously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The Husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she puckers up her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along. She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let her straps fall to show a little more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up to your thighs and sort of fan
it at him" he says..... this drives the Gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips. Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the Gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

"NOW, TELL HIM YOU HAVE A F***ING HEADACHE"


Although it has a lot of good ideas, beer doesn't know anything about computers!!!

Breast types.

. . Itty bitty titties
()() Little breasts
(.)(.) Nice breasts
(o)(o) Perfect breasts
(D)(D) Bullets
(O)(O) Handful breasts
(~0~)(~0~) Stretch mark breasts
\o/.\o/ Grandma's breasts
[o][o] Breasts during a mammogram
* ^ * Flat chest
(+0(+0) Fake silicone breasts
(*)(*) High nipple breasts
(@)(@) Big nipple breasts
oo A cups
{O}{O} D cups
(^)(^) Cold breasts
(< )(< ) Perky breasts
(o)(O) Lopsided breasts
(Q)(O) Pierced breasts
(p)(p) Hanging tassels breasts
(-)(-) Flat against the shower door breasts
lollol Android breasts
($)($) Jenny McCarthy's breasts
(ooo) Total Recall breasts (she had three!)
(O)A(O) Tit [-peep-] breasts


<font color=red><i>Happy Canuck</i>!</font color=red> ' '

Those were the days.
Click <A HREF="http://www.rudefun.com/pics/breasts/pic7.html" target="_new">here</A>.

<font color=red><i>Happy Canuck</i>!</font color=red> ' '