Jokes

CHINESE PROVERBS

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run in front of car get tired.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Crowded elevator smell different to midget.


<font color=red><i>Happy Canuck</i>!</font color=red> ' '

An Irish man goes to the doctors with an embarasing problem, he says to the doc: "it's my arse, it's terrible, it's itching all the time!"
The Doc turns around, puts on a pair of surgical gloves and says "ok lets have a look"
as he's looking at this poor chaps arse he notices a piece of paper in there! he says " i think i've found the problem" and pulls it out very slowly, he then realises its a ten pound note! The irish man can't believe it, he doesn't know how they could have got there. after some time the doc's pulled out 190 £10 notes!
"How much was there" the irish man asks. "£1900" he replies.
"oh good" The irish man says, " i knew i didn't feel too grand"

(don't know if you'll all get that one)

=/\=

Ah, the joys of Irish logic ...

Osama bin Laden was sitting in his cave plotting terrorist strategy
when his telephone rang.
"Hallo, Mr. Laden," a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy
down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you
that we are officially declaring war on you!
"Well, Paddy," Osama replied, "This is indeed important news! How big
is your army?"
"Right now," said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbor Seamus, and the
entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"
Osama paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have one million men in
my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!", said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Laden, the
war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Osama asked.
"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Osama sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks and
14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I've increased my army
to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you.
Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Laden, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified
Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit,
and four boys from the Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"
Osama was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I
must tell you, Paddy, that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000
fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided,
surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased
my army to TWO MILLION!"
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you
back." Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Mornin', Mr.
Laden! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war."
"I'm sorry to hear that," said Osama. "Why the sudden change of
heart?"
"Well," said Paddy, "we've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints,
and decided there's no way we can feed two million prisoners."



<font color=blue>Remember.... You get what you pay for. All advice here is free.</font color=blue>

Ah, that´s just mean!
LOL!

MONDAY

w00t - feminist dig.

<font color=purple><b>Techie2001</font color=purple></b>
<i>(Crazy Alien)</i>
If it ain't broke, Don't fix it.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?



Two. One to change the light bulb, and one to suck my [-peep-] .

Lyrics. Wasted time between solos.

Here's one from my associates practice.

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements. He told her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, 'Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.' "

She did this every day faithfully. After several months, it worked! She grew great boobs! One morning she was running late, and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"

The man stood up and cupped his balls and said, "Hickory dickory dock . .

<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <b>(·Y·)</b>

I nearly fell off my chair reading this joke.



Everybody I know usually calls their dog Rover or Spot. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"

Then I said, "She is a dog!!"

He said he didnt care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I had Sex since I was 9 years old."

He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the weddimg. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my life revolves around Sex."

He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.

When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand! Sex keeps me awake at night."

The clerk said, "me too!"

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around, and I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.

"You don't understand," I said. "I hoped to have Sex on TV!"

He called me a 'show off'!

When my wife and I split, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married."

The judge said, "Me too!!"

Last night, Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up next Thursday.

Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my shrink, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"

I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I couldn't live any longer, so lonely!"

And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get your self a dog."


<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <b>(·Y·)</b>

Damn fine!


Why does it take 2 women with pre-menstrual tension 3 hours to change a light-bulb?






BECAUSE IT JUST DOES!

<b><font color=blue>The Cisco Kid</font color=blue></b>

How do you know a blonde has used your pc?
You find your monitor full of liquid paper.

Are we really ready for "contact" ?

Are we really ready for "contact" ?

heheh... good one

<b><font color=green>Lizards</b></font color=green> for <b>THGC</b> Mascot!!!

lame.... very lame.

<font color=purple><b>Techie2001</font color=purple></b>
<i>(Crazy Alien)</i>
If it ain't broke, Don't fix it.

Have you got a mutated [-peep-]?

<font color=purple><b>Techie2001</font color=purple></b>
<i>(Crazy Alien)</i>
If it ain't broke, Don't fix it.

Check out my post about that on the last page...

Lyrics. Wasted time between solos.

After washing the floors, dooing the dishess and passing the vacum i'm too tired to laugh at that joke, but my wife laughed

Are we really ready for "contact" ?

Yeah I know that feeling.

I have this week off work.
So far today I have done the dishes and cleaned behind and under the refrigerator and stove.
Soon I'll be making dinner.

Oh well.
The price I pay to have a permanent set of tittys to play with.

<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <b>(·Y·)</b>

Haha.

Lyrics. Wasted time between solos.

A young man eagerly purchased a book entitled "How to Hump." How disappointed he was to find it was merely Volume 8 of the Universal Encyclopedia.



<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <b>(·Y·)</b>

Overheard in a Hollywood bar:

Actress 1: "At one time my breasts were insured for $2 million".

Actress 2: "Did you get the money?".


See what happens when they don't visit Dr. Hooter.

<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <b>(·Y·)</b>

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <b>(·Y·)</b>

A hunter goes into the gun shop, and buys a rifle to go bear hunting.

He gets to the forrest, and sees a bear. He aims the rifle and shoots, fur flies everywhere. He goes up to see how badly hurt the bear is, when all of a sudden there is a tap on his shoulder.

It's the bear.

The bear picks him up, pulls his pants down, and [-peep-] him up the arse. The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys a double barrelled shotgun, then heads back to the forrest.

He sees the bear, and shoots at him - fur flies everywhere. He walks up to see if he hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder. It's the bear again. The bear picks him up, pulls his pants down, and [-peep-] him up the arse.

The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys an M16, then heads back to the forrest. Seeing the bear, he shoots at him, fur flies everywhere.

He walks up to see if he hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder.

It's the bear again. The bear picks him up, pulls his pants down, and [-peep-] him up the arse.

The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys a rocket launcher, then heads back to the forrest. Seeing the bear, he fires five rockets at him, explosions and fur flies everywhere.

He walks up to see if he hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder. The bear says "You don't really come up here for the hunting, do you?"



<font color=red><i>Doctor Hooter</i></font color=red> <b>(·Y·)</b>

There are two redneck's deer hunting in the woods. One of them falls out of the deer stand and hit his head on a rock. The other redneck gets out of the deer stand to check on his friend. He call's 911 on his cell phone and says:

bubba: "Joe just killed himself dead"
911 Operator: "What happened?"
bubba: "Well he felt out the deer stand and killed he's self"
911 Operator: "Hold on a second, first we need to make sure he's really dead"

Theres a long silence....

and then you hear a gun shot.

bubba "Ok, now what?"

<b><font color=green>Lizards</b></font color=green> for <b>THGC</b> Mascot!!!

A mercy killing. Now Bubba has to go home and tell his wife
he just killed their brother.

<font color=red>Remember...</font color=red><font color=blue>You get what you pay for. All advice here is free.</font color=blue>

<b>GREAT!</b>

<font color=red>Remember...</font color=red><font color=blue>You get what you pay for. All advice here is free.</font color=blue>