Okay - I figured out what is going on.  First off, install the direct-x updates.  Not on the CD.  Not just the .dll file.  From Microsoft - they must be properly installed in the registry.
 
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From Windows.com - concerning unverified cab files/errors/problem - they list about 10 fixes there.  This one is the most common, though.  IF you cannot install the Dirext-X redistributeable update/etc because of an unverified cabinet file error, this is half of your problem.
Physically unplug your internet first and copy this to a text file after downloading the DX update.
*****This one worked the best, since I have Win 2K*****
 
Method 4: Reregister DLL files that are associated with Cryptographic Services
To register .dll files that are associated with Cryptographic Services, follow these steps: 1. Click Start, click Run, type cmd in the Open box, and then OK.  
2. At the command prompt, type the following commands, and press ENTER after each command:
regsvr32 /u softpub.dll
regsvr32 /u wintrust.dll
regsvr32 /u initpki.dll
regsvr32 /u dssenh.dll
regsvr32 /u rsaenh.dll
regsvr32 /u gpkcsp.dll
regsvr32 /u sccbase.dll
regsvr32 /u slbcsp.dll
regsvr32 /u mssip32.dll
regsvr32 /u cryptdlg.dll
exit
Note Click OK if you are prompted.
 
Note Microsoft Windows 2000 does not include the Sccbase.dll file. If you are running a version of Windows 2000, omit the Sccbase.dll file.  
3. Restart your computer.  
4. Click Start, click Run, type cmd in the Open box, and then click OK.  
5. At the command prompt, type the following commands, and press ENTER after each command:
regsvr32 softpub.dll
regsvr32 wintrust.dll
regsvr32 initpki.dll
regsvr32 dssenh.dll
regsvr32 rsaenh.dll
regsvr32 gpkcsp.dll
regsvr32 sccbase.dll
regsvr32 slbcsp.dll
regsvr32 mssip32.dll
regsvr32 cryptdlg.dll
exit
Note Click OK if you are prompted.
 
Note Microsoft Windows 2000 does not include the Sccbase.dll file. If you are running a version of Windows 2000, omit the Sccbase.dll file.  
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This basically forces your system to recognize the config and dx9/etc files it currently has as authentic.  Many motherboards and video cards install wiggy drivers and cause verification problems.  Not a problem, though, since you're going to immediately install the DX9 update over all of that junk.
If it is successful, you'll see ****_25.dll, ****_26.dll, and so on - about 5 files in your system32 directory and the directX installer won't complain while doing its thing.
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Step 2:  WHY IS IT STILL WIGGING OUT?
My computer run once, then bombed - won't run or work after the crash.  OR - it ran, I typed in my code, and it bombed, then won't run.  
Yours is doing this, too?
 
Go to my computer.  Right-click on the DVD drive and get properties.  Note the extra entry/entries.  This is the source of the problems.  EA and various other copying programs as well as some multimedia video cards/DVD players/etc - install phantom CD drives.  Ever wonder why your DVD drive is "F:" (ie - not the next logical letter)
If you look under the settings, then click on regional settings, you'll notice that no region has been set for the phantom drive.  If you try to set it, since it's not a real drive, it can't.
THIS IS THE PROBLEM.  EA's copy protection sees no region settings on the next logical/this phantom drive(instead of the real drive) and promptly blows up.
You must have only real physical drives in your system and they must all be set to region 1(USA)!
***Disable the phantom drive(s) and reboot.  Ignore any errors that popup and continue***
Your internet is still physically disconnected, right?  Good.  Turn off all spyware, popup blockers, and firewall software.  I can verify that Sygate and ZoneAlarm cause the installer to blow up.
Maually install by running the autorun program from the CD, or do the following:
****
(note - this requires about 8 gig for swap space, install space, and the image folders)
In the C: directory, create a folder called "Disk Images"(exactly that, case-sensitive)
Within that folder, create the following four folders: "Disk1" "Disk2" "Disk3" "Disk4"(case sensitive like above)
Copy each CD to the respective folder.  Run the autorun from the first disk folder after removing all media from your drives.
**re-enable any phantom drives you wish to, reboot, and plug the cat-5 cable back into the router/hub/switch**
**reset the drives to their old settings/region free/etc if they were that way before**: NOTE - if you do this, you'll likely need to download a NOCD program from online to defeat the copy protection.  I am region-free myself since I have a huge collection of titles from Japan, though I probably should just get a second DVD drive and set it to Japan in the region settings.
 
P.S. Everyone should be running a switch/router anyways - hugely effective security and a must if you plan to run wi-fi later on.  Also, 2 seconds to yank your net and then 2 seconds to put it back on for fixes like this.