Post Your Bad Jokes - Page 4

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Short and cute....


My internal medicine doctor referred me to a urologist.

To my surprise, the urologist was a female, beautiful, and unbelievably sexy looking.

The worst news was when she told me that I must stop masturbating.

I asked her why.

She said, "Because I am trying to examine you!!!"

President Mbeki meets with the Queen of England . He asks her,

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are

there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround

yourself with intelligent people."

Mbeki frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really

intelligent?"


The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them

to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair

in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and

Father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your

sister.

Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be

me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back in Cape town , President Mbeki asks to speak with vice

president Zuma.

"Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Zuma. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Zuma goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but non! e can give him

an answer. Finally, he ends up at the V&A Waterfront and bumps into

Mark Lottering.

Zuma looks around to see if anyone can overhear them, and he

whispers, Mark! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have
a

child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Mark whispers back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Zuma smiles and says "Thanks!"

Zuma goes back to Parliament to speak with Pres Mbeki. "Say, I did

some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Mark

Lottering."

Mbeki gets up, stomps over to Zuma, and angrily yells into his

face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!

The Guide to Pooping at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it.

As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the
work-poop is inevitable.

For those who hate pooping at work, please read the
following.
This is the survival guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the
smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but
doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do
this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.
Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your
pants.

FLY BY:

This is the act of scouting out the bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back later. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.

ESCAPEE:

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the
urinal or peeing in the stall. This is usually accompanied
by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an
escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.
If you are standing next to a farter in the urinal, pretend
you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes everyone uneasy.

JAILBREAK:

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at machine gun
pace. This is sometimes a side effect of diarrhea or a
hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the
stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone
the awkwardness of what just happened.

COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits
the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has
to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being
caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very
uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As
with farts, its best to pretend that the smell does not
exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the
use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of
it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the
bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet
Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN):

A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency
pooping goes off without incident. The PFN group can help
you to monitor the whereabouts of the Out of the Closet
Poopers, and help identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:

A Safe Haven is a seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce
the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom while
you are pooping.

TURD BURGLAR:

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the
most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when
taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall
until the Turd Burglar leaves to avoid any uncomfortable eye
contact.

CAMO-COUGH:

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants to the bathroom
that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be
used to cover up a WATERMELON, and to alert potential Turd
Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in
conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:

An Astaire is a subtle toe tap that is used to alert
potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This
will relinquish all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you
hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:

A big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you
feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See
CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water, often accompanied by ESCAPEES and
JAILBREAKS. Try using a CAMO-COUGH/ASTAIRE combination.

UNCLE TODD:

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around
forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in
front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.

Following the above guidelines can help us all have easier
pooping-at-work experiences. Happy Crapping!

Islamic Weather Forcast:

Suni spells but mostly Shiite.

It is Christmas Eve and this chap is on a rooftop about to jump off. His wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank.

Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump, Father Christmas (Santa Claus) taps him on the shoulder.

"Are you OK?" asks Father Christmas.

The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
"Stop!" shouts Father Christmas. "It is Christmas, I will grant you three wishes to solve your problems on the understanding that you will grant me a small favour in return!"

"Would you?" the man replies. "That would be wonderful!!... Thank you, thank you!" Father Christmas promises him that :-

1. You shall go home in 1 hour and your wife will be dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and longing for your return, she will have no recollection of her new boyfriend.

2. You shall go into work tomorrow, sit at your desk and continue with your work. Your salary will have increased by 50%. Also, nobody will have any recollection of your sacking.

3. You shall go to your bank and you will be ten thousand pounds in credit, you will have no outstanding bills.

"Oh thank you, thank you!" says the man. "What is it that I can do for you?"

Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over.

After a quite brutal Rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.

"36" replies the man.

"Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?" chuckled the fat gay bastard in fancy dress.

The magician may find the rabbit in his hat but he will never find his dignity...

Ok, I'll buy that.

Ok so here is one for everyone....

Wingy is laying in his death bed, coming in and out of unconsciousness, the missus has lit a candle light vigil in the room. Suddenly Wingy awakes from his sleep.

Miss Ding: You're awake...

Wingy: Ya but i feel its my time.... Before i go i must tell you something.

Miss Ding: Hush its ok... just sleep...

Wingy: No there is something i really must tell you before i pass on...

Miss Ding: No really its ok... You don't have to say anything...

Wingy: NO i must... I slept with your sisters, your best friend, your mother and a Llama or two

Miss Ding: I know...and it's ok... now just lay there and let the poison do its job...

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Bad joke yet must be shared...

Consoles Wingding by stuffing his credit card statement into a llama suit.

Dedicated to Wingy...

On his wedding day a man walks up to the alter and his best man says, "Wow, you look very happy, what's up?"

"I just got the best blow job I've ever gotten from the woman I'm about to marry!"

His bride, now at the alter as well, has the same look. Her bridesmaid asks, "I know it's your wedding day, but you look especially happy, why?"

"I just gave the last blow job of my life..."

And one for that Jock chunt...

Good evening Chunt Funter.

I see you are still a simpleton.

Hope this helps.

Tom.
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Chelsea 0 Liverpool 1

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Simple as he is, I rate him vastly more intelligent than any blue-skinned savage cave-dweller. A least the man knows drinking is good for you.
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Chelsea 0 Liverpool 1

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I believe what you refer to as enlightenment can be achieved surgically with a full frontal lobotomy, or simply with cranial blunt force trauma. This can easily be proven given your delusions about Scotland. You Jocks haven't even made it out of the steam age, let alone become disenchanted with civilised living.
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Chelsea 0 Liverpool 1

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Nobody in their right mind would give a Jock credit, that's why Netto charge for carrier bags.
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Chelsea 0 Liverpool 1

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Good evening Chunt Funter.

Yes, you are still alive. Shame really.

Hope this helps.

Tom.

Ten signs you might be in The Taliban


10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You've never been asked, "Does this burka make my butt look big?"
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, "I love what you've done with your cave."
And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your arse with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

Good afternoon Tom.

I see that we have now managed to steal fingers.
Now you are able to type your entire life story out and sell it to the nearest homeless person for a slice of their aids infected arse.

Hope a condom helps.
Chunty.

Excuse the spelling - copied and pasted from a forum here in South Africa.

“So yesterday, I decided after a long debate with a friend of mine to sell him my 360. It was an old Core and he wanted it because it was cheap. So with the money I went and “upgraded” to the new 60gb with 1 Controller and a copy of Viva Pinata. All was good and I was when happy until I got home.

The happiness ended the moment I opened the box and unpacked it, because as I really should have known they ship 360’s with the bare essentials. The console is not even HD ready out the box and that’s right, I forgot to buy an HDMI cable. Besides that, just the experience of unpacking the box was disheartening. No controller charger, why not just throw in a cheap one with some 360 branding and Wi-Fi, that would be nice too.>

So after my trip back to the store to pick up a Controller charger, a towel and a Wi-fi adapter I was now ready for online gaming - well, not really. At this point i would just like to note that in the box of a PS3 system, you get a Mini-USB cable, Wi-fi and a Blu-ray player. But that aside I finally get to plug the 360 in, gaming goodness couldn’t be far away now…

But it was. Firstly of course, it’s a new console so it needed an update to NXE, unfortunately the update took an hour. Another thing I noticed was that the 360 sounded like a Boeing 747 taking off. With that finally done and another 10 minutes or so to set up my profile, to my shock and horror, I noticed that I actually needed to pay to go online. I was furious, why would I pay to play over my own internet?

Anyway, I popped in Fable 2.“Oh look it’s updating”, “oh and there’s another 10 updates to follow”, that’s fantastic. While it was updating, I went to the store and got me some Earmuffs to drown out the sound of the 360’s Jet engine. So after what was the longest update(s) of my life - around 45 mins, I could now play games. A couple of minutes later, my dog walked in and bumped my 360. A horrible noise entered my ear’s and there was a nice round engraved scratch on my disc. It was unplayable. Too bad then that After 3 hours worth of cables, fire extinguishers, updates, Live, scratched disc’s and whatever I really didn’t feel like it anymore.

This all did however get me thinking this morning. I thought the updates were necessary because the “glitches” in Fable 2 was not great, but Gears runs fine (well the online doesn’t), and it doesn’t need an update? The sad ending to all of this is that Christmas is coming and a lot of people may be receiving 360’s for gifts, I just think it really sucks and borders on unacceptable that all the stuff needed to enjoy your 360 could be ruined by the infamous RROD.”