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• Sylvester Stallone Launches New WiFi Standard

By - Source: Tom's Hardware US | B 57 comments

RESEDA, CA – With a slew of wireless fidelity standards already making purchasing a new router a complete headache, Earth’s greatest living actor, Sylvester Stallone, has decided to throw his gloves in the ring and compete against the likes of Linksys and Motorola for the undisputed title of Internet router champion of the world.

‘SlyFi’, as he’s calling it, will be capable of transferring up to 1GB in less than 12 parsecs.

“I just thought, hey, you know, like, I just finished shootin’ The Expendables so I’m done with movies for a while,” commented Stallone, star of such memorable movies as Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Over the Top, and Rocky V, while eating a bacon cheeseburger at a Carl’s, Jr. in Reseda. “And, you know, I wanted to stay, like, uh, relevant in today’s ever-changing world of technology,”

The SlyFi wireless standard will initially be licensed only to Stallone’s technology development startup company First Internet Systems Technology, or F.I.S.T.

“I got this guy, Walter P. Martishius – he did the art direction on Demolition Man – to design the router,” Stallone boasted. “I had to sit down and he did this, uh, plaster cast of my chest and biceps that he based it on.” The router is, indeed, shaped like his impressively hairless chest and rope-veined arms, with LED indicator lights in the nipples.

Not to be outdone by Stallone’s SlyFi, Cisco’s router manufacturing branch Linksys has copy-protected no less than three new wireless standards, including GuyFi, a low-spectrum standard aimed to work exclusively with desperately single women’s computers, CryFi, which will include a special router that is powered by the tears of orphaned children, and HawaiiFi-O, which needs no explanation.

The SlyFi standard should be approved by August, and will coincide with a release of the exclusive SlyFi router at Planet Hollywood locations worldwide.

[• This story, marked with a • is weekend entertainment content only and should not to be considered factual ]

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Top Comments
  • 12 Hide
    SpadeM , May 30, 2009 7:37 PM
    Chuck Norris would round house kick both of them in the face. His router ChuckFi-st is the ultimate in wireless communications.
  • 11 Hide
    Wayoffbase , May 30, 2009 5:44 PM
    I'll wait for Schwarzenegger to release a wifi standard before upgrading. It'll have a learning chip in it, and mass adoption of the standard in California should help make it the standard everywhere. Plus, Arnold is far more articulate and has a better grasp of the English language than Stallone, which should help with marketing.
  • 11 Hide
    apache_lives , May 30, 2009 5:43 PM
    i like chicken
Other Comments
  • 11 Hide
    apache_lives , May 30, 2009 5:43 PM
    i like chicken
  • 11 Hide
    Wayoffbase , May 30, 2009 5:44 PM
    I'll wait for Schwarzenegger to release a wifi standard before upgrading. It'll have a learning chip in it, and mass adoption of the standard in California should help make it the standard everywhere. Plus, Arnold is far more articulate and has a better grasp of the English language than Stallone, which should help with marketing.
  • 4 Hide
    afrobacon , May 30, 2009 6:03 PM
    I'm not sure if I like the thought of receiving my data from a statue of Stallone...
  • 0 Hide
    tallguy1618 , May 30, 2009 6:27 PM
    Stallone would rock arnold
  • 2 Hide
    Raidur , May 30, 2009 6:47 PM
    Nobody f*c*s with Rambo. Hell, his piss clogs the toilet.
  • 5 Hide
    surfer1337dude , May 30, 2009 7:14 PM
    Please Arnold would destroy Stallone.
  • 12 Hide
    SpadeM , May 30, 2009 7:37 PM
    Chuck Norris would round house kick both of them in the face. His router ChuckFi-st is the ultimate in wireless communications.
  • 8 Hide
    Ciuy , May 30, 2009 8:20 PM
    yeah Chuck Norris is da shiizzzznitz .
  • -2 Hide
    one-shot , May 30, 2009 8:32 PM
    lol. Stallone would eat Chuck Norris for a small snack. I want SLYFI now!
  • 2 Hide
    one-shot , May 30, 2009 8:35 PM
    The Stallone now would rock the present Arnold. The Arnold of the mid 70's would
  • 6 Hide
    Sicundercover , May 30, 2009 9:01 PM
    Is Toms now becoming the Onion?

    BTW a Par-Sec is the distance that an astronomical object would be if it had a parallax of exactly one second of arc (par-sec).

    The parallax is the apparent shift in position of an object due to the revolution of the Earth around the Sun. By observing an object at six month intervals and measuring its apparent shift in position relative to further objects, we can measure its parallax.

    Its not a measurement of speed or time.

    The fake Terminator article was better and thats not saying much.
  • 0 Hide
    tacoslave , May 30, 2009 9:03 PM
    so im waiting for gokufi the ultimate in wireless communications. i bet one kamehameha and any mofo would get instantly fried. damn even superman got his ass handed to him by the awesomeness that is goku he didnt even have to go supersaiyan.
  • 5 Hide
    Anonymous , May 30, 2009 9:25 PM
    These garbage articles being mixed in with real articles is really starting to bug me.

    You guys want humor, how about a humor section.
  • 3 Hide
    Anonymous , May 30, 2009 10:03 PM
    You need to test your eyes if you cant see the dot before the articles, and a explanation at the end of them. I personnally like a little giggle in the weekend.
  • 5 Hide
    scimanal , May 30, 2009 10:13 PM
    SicundercoverIs Toms now becoming the Onion?BTW a Par-Sec is the distance that an astronomical object would be if it had a parallax of exactly one second of arc (par-sec).The parallax is the apparent shift in position of an object due to the revolution of the Earth around the Sun. By observing an object at six month intervals and measuring its apparent shift in position relative to further objects, we can measure its parallax.Its not a measurement of speed or time. The fake Terminator article was better and thats not saying much.



    I agree, come on, get back to what you do best, leave the bad humor to the onion. Don't destroy the tom brand...
  • 4 Hide
    ailgatrat , May 30, 2009 10:30 PM
    SicundercoverIs Toms now becoming the Onion?BTW a Par-Sec is the distance that an astronomical object would be if it had a parallax of exactly one second of arc (par-sec).The parallax is the apparent shift in position of an object due to the revolution of the Earth around the Sun. By observing an object at six month intervals and measuring its apparent shift in position relative to further objects, we can measure its parallax.Its not a measurement of speed or time. The fake Terminator article was better and thats not saying much.


    It was in Star Wars!
  • 3 Hide
    ailgatrat , May 30, 2009 10:31 PM
    scimanalI agree, come on, get back to what you do best, leave the bad humor to the onion. Don't destroy the tom brand...


    I don't understand why you guys complain....half the crap spewn on this website is fiction anyways...lol.
  • 1 Hide
    Rancifer7 , May 30, 2009 10:41 PM
    These are so much fun to read!

    "CryFi, which will include a special router that is powered by the tears of orphaned children"

    Brilliant!
  • 1 Hide
    kamkal , May 30, 2009 10:58 PM

    HAHAHAHA LOL!
  • 4 Hide
    ailgatrat , May 30, 2009 11:39 PM
    ROFL! GuyFi? Cisco had better put out SheFi and GayFi if they don't want to get sued by the ACLU!!!
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