• Sylvester Stallone Launches New WiFi Standard
RESEDA, CA – With a slew of wireless fidelity standards already making purchasing a new router a complete headache, Earth’s greatest living actor, Sylvester Stallone, has decided to throw his gloves in the ring and compete against the likes of Linksys and Motorola for the undisputed title of Internet router champion of the world.
‘SlyFi’, as he’s calling it, will be capable of transferring up to 1GB in less than 12 parsecs.
“I just thought, hey, you know, like, I just finished shootin’ The Expendables so I’m done with movies for a while,” commented Stallone, star of such memorable movies as Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Over the Top, and Rocky V, while eating a bacon cheeseburger at a Carl’s, Jr. in Reseda. “And, you know, I wanted to stay, like, uh, relevant in today’s ever-changing world of technology,”
The SlyFi wireless standard will initially be licensed only to Stallone’s technology development startup company First Internet Systems Technology, or F.I.S.T.
“I got this guy, Walter P. Martishius – he did the art direction on Demolition Man – to design the router,” Stallone boasted. “I had to sit down and he did this, uh, plaster cast of my chest and biceps that he based it on.” The router is, indeed, shaped like his impressively hairless chest and rope-veined arms, with LED indicator lights in the nipples.
Not to be outdone by Stallone’s SlyFi, Cisco’s router manufacturing branch Linksys has copy-protected no less than three new wireless standards, including GuyFi, a low-spectrum standard aimed to work exclusively with desperately single women’s computers, CryFi, which will include a special router that is powered by the tears of orphaned children, and HawaiiFi-O, which needs no explanation.
The SlyFi standard should be approved by August, and will coincide with a release of the exclusive SlyFi router at Planet Hollywood locations worldwide.
[• This story, marked with a • is weekend entertainment content only and should not to be considered factual ]
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I'll wait for Schwarzenegger to release a wifi standard before upgrading. It'll have a learning chip in it, and mass adoption of the standard in California should help make it the standard everywhere. Plus, Arnold is far more articulate and has a better grasp of the English language than Stallone, which should help with marketing.
i like chicken
I'm not sure if I like the thought of receiving my data from a statue of Stallone...
Stallone would rock arnold
Nobody f*c*s with Rambo. Hell, his piss clogs the toilet.
Please Arnold would destroy Stallone.
Chuck Norris would round house kick both of them in the face. His router ChuckFi-st is the ultimate in wireless communications.
yeah Chuck Norris is da shiizzzznitz .
lol. Stallone would eat Chuck Norris for a small snack. I want SLYFI now!
The Stallone now would rock the present Arnold. The Arnold of the mid 70's would
Is Toms now becoming the Onion?
BTW a Par-Sec is the distance that an astronomical object would be if it had a parallax of exactly one second of arc (par-sec).
The parallax is the apparent shift in position of an object due to the revolution of the Earth around the Sun. By observing an object at six month intervals and measuring its apparent shift in position relative to further objects, we can measure its parallax.
Its not a measurement of speed or time.
The fake Terminator article was better and thats not saying much.
so im waiting for gokufi the ultimate in wireless communications. i bet one kamehameha and any mofo would get instantly fried. damn even superman got his ass handed to him by the awesomeness that is goku he didnt even have to go supersaiyan.
These garbage articles being mixed in with real articles is really starting to bug me.
You guys want humor, how about a humor section.
You need to test your eyes if you cant see the dot before the articles, and a explanation at the end of them. I personnally like a little giggle in the weekend.
Is Toms now becoming the Onion?BTW a Par-Sec is the distance that an astronomical object would be if it had a parallax of exactly one second of arc (par-sec).The parallax is the apparent shift in position of an object due to the revolution of the Earth around the Sun. By observing an object at six month intervals and measuring its apparent shift in position relative to further objects, we can measure its parallax.Its not a measurement of speed or time. The fake Terminator article was better and thats not saying much.
I agree, come on, get back to what you do best, leave the bad humor to the onion. Don't destroy the tom brand...
Is Toms now becoming the Onion?BTW a Par-Sec is the distance that an astronomical object would be if it had a parallax of exactly one second of arc (par-sec).The parallax is the apparent shift in position of an object due to the revolution of the Earth around the Sun. By observing an object at six month intervals and measuring its apparent shift in position relative to further objects, we can measure its parallax.Its not a measurement of speed or time. The fake Terminator article was better and thats not saying much.
It was in Star Wars!
I agree, come on, get back to what you do best, leave the bad humor to the onion. Don't destroy the tom brand...
I don't understand why you guys complain....half the crap spewn on this website is fiction anyways...lol.
These are so much fun to read!
"CryFi, which will include a special router that is powered by the tears of orphaned children"
Brilliant!
HAHAHAHA LOL!
ROFL! GuyFi? Cisco had better put out SheFi and GayFi if they don't want to get sued by the ACLU!!!
Steve and Danno of HawaiiFi-O better watch out for the Dukes of Fi-O-Hazard!! Could get into an ugly jurisdiction fight!! Lol!! Not to mention having to contend with EA's Lawyers!! ROFL!!!
Will this work with Steven Seagull's standard?
Yo forgot to fit Bruce Lee in the picture!
I too enjoy these weekend articles, as long as they stay technology related. If it werent for these I wouldnt have anything else to read anyway.
A chuck norris router could turn back time and anticipate your usuage and prevent any lag whatsoever. And give you a round house kick when you go to those virus loaded porn sites.
[citation]Don't destroy the tom brand...[/citation]Too late.
Seems like Tom's is having an identity crisis.
Don't you guys have something better to do than make up stupid stories? Like cover real news. This crap isn't even remotely funny
It would only be funny if it was true... if someone just made up this crap out of now where I don't really c how it's funny... I wouldn't mind some actual funny humor though. But even with the note I always wonder is this funny real news or wanna be funny fake news, the later seeming pointless which always makes me think it must be true.
p.s the comments are a lot funnier than the story story itself
i like chicken
me too!
I can't say comedy is exactly Tom's forte. BOM already destroyed Tom's Games with that flash junk. Now they're slowly turning the news section into a joke as well. I'm all for a bit of humor, but keep it separate from the serious stuff.
Ive been reading tomshardware a LONG time now. I wanna say a decade, but it might just be shy of that. Its been awhile.
Toms has seriously lost its way. The last few years the quality has really gone downhill. A few months ago i basically stopped reading the site for a month or 2. Then it seemed like you guys realized that your site had gone to crap and you actually started doing some decent articles again. However the last few weeks is once again utter crap.
Need to get rid of this garbage, and get back to your roots.