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• Steve Jobs to Attend WWDC 2009

After a six-month leave of absence for a “hormone imbalance,” Apple CEO Steve Jobs is reportedly scheduled to appear at the company’s annual Worldwide Developers Conference in San Francisco.

Constantly plagued by cancer and tumors and pancreatitis and mumps and measles and strep throat (oh, my!), Jobs has been rumored dead on a few occasions, most recently when Bloomberg mistakenly published an obituary for the former CEO of cash-cow Pixar Animation Studios.

When it was announced earlier today that Job would, indeed, be back in action in time for the keynote presentation at WWDC on June 8, Apple fanboys and haters alike were very curious as to how Jobs would be able-bodied enough to present, almost a full month before his expected return date.

According to his personal assistant, Dean Andrews (who asked to remain anonymous), Jobs is running not on medical care, vitamins, adrenaline, or caffeine, but on 17 Palm Pre smartphones implanted in his body.

“They monitor his heart-rate and blood pressure (which is constantly 110/70), as well as helps his body to regulate nutrient absorption,” the anonymous source reported. “He is totally ashamed that it’s not the iPhone, but the Pre is an actual usable tool, whereas the iPhone is simply a toy.”

This also sheds a little bit of light on how the Pre is still able to sync with iTunes 8.2 – Jobs still wants to be able to rock out to Joan Baez and Bob Dylan on his sweet new phone.

The Pre goes on sale today. Get one like your life depends on it.

[ • This story, marked with a • is weekend entertainment content only and should not to be considered factual ]

  • Tindytim
    You forgot the
    Reply
  • icepick314
    TindytimYou forgot the
    no they didn't....
    Reply
  • Tindytim
    icepick314no they didn't....Yeah they did, it's marked with a "•", but they didn't included the disclaimer, and this is the slightly more believable article.
    Reply
  • tipoo
    Guys! I just had a BRILLIANT idea!


    I'll create a new electronics company and name them Orange.

    My CEO will be Steve Welfare.



    Apple will have Jobs, but I will have Welfare, and we all know there are many people that prefer Welfare to Jobs.



    *BADAM- CHING!*
    Reply
  • bunga28
    Tumor is a sub-set of cancer (benign, malignant or otherwise). AFAIK, he has had pancreatic cancer (malignant?) but no pancreatitis (inflamation of the pancreas). Stop dramatize the whole thing.
    Reply
  • tipoo
    Wait, the Pre's going on sale TODAY?!

    *Leaves*
    Reply
  • The insanity continues unabated as shown here.
    Reply
  • mcnuggetofdeath
    lol. awesome article. I enjoy the humorous slant on pseudo-news. Perhaps making it a weekly feature, so as not to upset those whose panties clearly get in a wad over articles like this.
    Reply
  • No way ... Palm sold 17 Pres?
    Reply
  • eddieroolz
    tipooGuys! I just had a BRILLIANT idea!I'll create a new electronics company and name them Orange.My CEO will be Steve Welfare.Apple will have Jobs, but I will have Welfare, and we all know there are many people that prefer Welfare to Jobs.*BADAM- CHING!*
    You sir, deserve the highest recognition of the United Nations.
    Reply