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• Crickets Chirping at Bing Launch

Microsoft’s new search engine, Bing, arrived Thursday with some fanfare and a clear announcement that the search-wars are back on. In the one corner, weighing in at a search-usage proportional 600 lbs., the undisputed Heavy Weight Champion of the world, Google! In the other corner, weighing in at the remaining proportional weight of 400lbs, EVERYONE ELSE!

The fight seems to have be called even before it began, however, as Google will probably will sit in the corner drinking Champaign while Bing tires itself out spending $100 million on an advertising campaign.

However, like any good reporter, I decided not to write off Bing before giving it a chance, so I turned to my most trusted research tool for a non-biased opinion, Google. Most of my other reporting techniques are not as objective, as they usually include drinking heavily, writing interviews down that I hear in my head, and Wikipedia. So here are some of the results for Bing that I discovered using Google and a bottle of cheap gin:

·      Bing Crosby, some old black and white singer who did something called “crooning”, which I think is what he died of in 1977.

·      Bing Devine, an executive for Major League Baseball who died January 27, 2007, probably of a steroid overdose.

·      Bing is also the Scottish word for a slag heap, which is some sort of mining waste – not Paris Hilton’s closet, as I thought.

·      Bing was the largest toy company in the world up until 1933, when it went bankrupt. I tried to find out more about things that happened in 1933, but I couldn’t find anything.

·      Chandler Muriel Bing - the dude from the popular US television sitcom Friends, which mercifully was ended in 2004.

·      I tried a Google translate (Chinese to English) and came up with “will be” or “biscuit,” but Qi Lu, president of Microsoft Online Services, says it means “very certain to answer” in Chinese, and there’s no way a Microsoft employee would ever overpromise and under deliver.

·      And my personal favorite:  Sir John Byng, a British admiral who was court-martialled and shot in 1757 for not doing his job very well. Things are definitely looking up for Microsoft’s newest offering.

Wolfram Alpha was even less useful (unusually so) returning a guess of “Awad Bing,” a language spoken in Papua New Guinea, one of the few remaining places on Earth where both Cannibalism and Microsoft’s search engine concepts are not simply laughed off.

[• This story, marked with a • is weekend entertainment content only and should not to be considered factual ]

  • baldholio
    I don't kno0w what beverage Champaign is, perhaps some strange Illinois brew, but the more discerning among us, might celebrate with a bottle of Champagne
    Reply
  • mmm this is stupid, why is it on google news???
    Reply
  • Andraxxus
    Yesterday this Bing thing wouldn't let me see an article that MS had on the front page.Instead it would open search and say something like: find donuts near your city. The rest was working but I was kind of dissapointed.
    Reply
  • Sicundercover
    I tried solely using Bing for the first few days and found myself getting frustrated. I was trying to make points to a friend and was doing some searches on 2008's Own 2 Pwn. While Google gave me many relivent answers Bing gave me 2 and the rest wernt even related.

    MS says Bing is mainly for "Making Decisions" but why and I going to use another search engine just for when Im looking for a place to eat dinner?

    I honestly gave this Bing a chance with the hopes that their would be some new compatition in town but alas it appears that Bing is still Live Search but with a face lift.
    Reply
  • freggo
    Please leave the jokes to Letterman and Leno!
    I do not come here to read lame comedy bits.
    Reply
  • buzznut
    funny you mentioning leno, letterman and lame comedy bits. Conan sucks too, even Jimmy kimmel is tired now. Which leaves the scottish gay man, who is sometimes hilarious except when it comes to gay sexual innuendo. (which I just find creepy)

    Oh and if you haven't seen jimmy fallon, don't. its so embarrassing to watch that your finger will switch the channel of its own accord.
    Reply
  • egbertattrick
    baldholioI don't kno0w what beverage Champaign is, perhaps some strange Illinois brew, but the more discerning among us, might celebrate with a bottle of Champagne
    D'oh!!!
    Reply
  • meatwad53186
    freggoPlease leave the jokes to Letterman and Leno!I do not come here to read lame comedy bits.
    Then don't read the fake weekend articles that are clearly marked, it's as simple as that.
    Reply
  • jamesl
    meatwad53186Then don't read the fake weekend articles that are clearly marked, it's as simple as that.
    that's not the point moron

    we come here for REAL news, REAL reviews, and they give us this CRAP

    they let people like Ben, Rob and Travis go but then they pay people to write this !

    how incredibly stupid !

    if we want funny, we'll go to the onion

    tomshardware should be hardcore, in depth, technical news and reviews




    Reply
  • jamesl
    freggoPlease leave the jokes to Letterman and Leno!I do not come here to read lame comedy bits.
    yes, yes, yes

    Reply