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There are plenty of stereotypes about Xbox owners: they shovel countless Doritos into their gaping maws, guzzle down gallons of Mountain Dew and consider spraying themselves with Axe body spray the epitome of personal hygiene. Well, there's some good news for people who embody that last stereotype, because Microsoft and Unilever announced this week that they've collaborated on a line of Xbox-branded personal hygiene products, GameSpot reported.
We'll preface this by saying that we already know what Microsoft and Unilever intended for this product line to smell like. But we're going to indulge ourselves for a moment, because when one hears that multiple leadership teams at two very large companies decided to make Xbox personal hygiene products, it's hard not to imagine what that could possibly mean for the noses of every unfortunate soul who knows that line's target audience.
Our first guess was that the new Xbox antiperspirant, body spray and body-face-hair soap combo would somehow capture that 'new console smell.' (We know, as staunch PC gaming enthusiasts you probably aren't familiar with the fragrance, but it's a real thing.) The eldritch fragrance sorcerers behind Axe have already bottled such esoteric scents as "You Got Something" and "Phoenix." Surely they could do the same for a new Xbox.
Then we started to wonder if the companies had sought inspiration from the same Xbox stereotypes we mentioned earlier. There's nothing like the musk of "Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili" tortilla chip fragments and empty cans of "Mountain Dew Game Fuel Citrus Cherry" soda. Yes, those are the names of real scents planned.
Our final guess was that Microsoft and Unilever wanted to get even deeper into the essence of Xbox. That somehow these magnificent olfactory alchemists captured the smell of having to pay for online multiplayer, a dearth of compelling exclusive titles and having a 12-year-old screeching insults about your mother in whatever competitive shooter's currently popular on Xbox. (Is it still Call of Duty? We feel like it's still Call of Duty.)
And, to be fair, maybe that's exactly what they did. We don't know what those things smell like. Gamespot reported that that the new Xbox-branded products feature "a fresh scent of pulsing green citrus, featuring top notes of kaffir lime and winter lemon, aromatic herbal middle notes of mint and sage and woody bottom notes of patchouli and clearwood." They also feature "a range of natural essential oils." Which means, ya know, nothing.
Now we have some good news, bad news and worse news. We'll start with the good news: most of the world never has to know what Xbox gamers actually smell like! The products will only be available in Australia and New Zealand--where the Axe products are sold under the Lynx brand--starting in July. They might expand to other markets eventually, but at least for now, other geographies will be spared these products' existence.
The bad news is that by sharing this news we've almost certainly helped Microsoft and Unilever get even more attention for their Xbox-Lynx partnership. This might convince them it's a good idea, even if it's only for the memes, to bring the product line out of Australia and New Zealand. For that we apologize. We simply couldn't keep this knowledge inside our own heads--they couldn't handle it.
The worst news? We lied about people from Oceania being the only ones who have to deal with these products. Because they will only be available in Australia and New Zealand to start, there's a greater-than-zero chance that some people outside those countries will pay outrageous amounts of money to have them shipped over to wherever they are. That could potentially make the line's expansion to other countries even more likely. Woe be unto us.
Meanwhile, Xbox creator Seamus Blackley, has his own take on the announcement. "I seriously and honestly have no comment. I have no idea what a comment would even be on this. I’m frankly thinking of just going and drinking heavily at this point," he said on Twitter.