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• Sylvester Stallone Launches New WiFi Standard

RESEDA, CA – With a slew of wireless fidelity standards already making purchasing a new router a complete headache, Earth’s greatest living actor, Sylvester Stallone, has decided to throw his gloves in the ring and compete against the likes of Linksys and Motorola for the undisputed title of Internet router champion of the world.

‘SlyFi’, as he’s calling it, will be capable of transferring up to 1GB in less than 12 parsecs.

“I just thought, hey, you know, like, I just finished shootin’ The Expendables so I’m done with movies for a while,” commented Stallone, star of such memorable movies as Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot, Over the Top, and Rocky V, while eating a bacon cheeseburger at a Carl’s, Jr. in Reseda. “And, you know, I wanted to stay, like, uh, relevant in today’s ever-changing world of technology,”

The SlyFi wireless standard will initially be licensed only to Stallone’s technology development startup company First Internet Systems Technology, or F.I.S.T.

“I got this guy, Walter P. Martishius – he did the art direction on Demolition Man – to design the router,” Stallone boasted. “I had to sit down and he did this, uh, plaster cast of my chest and biceps that he based it on.” The router is, indeed, shaped like his impressively hairless chest and rope-veined arms, with LED indicator lights in the nipples.

Not to be outdone by Stallone’s SlyFi, Cisco’s router manufacturing branch Linksys has copy-protected no less than three new wireless standards, including GuyFi, a low-spectrum standard aimed to work exclusively with desperately single women’s computers, CryFi, which will include a special router that is powered by the tears of orphaned children, and HawaiiFi-O, which needs no explanation.

The SlyFi standard should be approved by August, and will coincide with a release of the exclusive SlyFi router at Planet Hollywood locations worldwide.

[• This story, marked with a • is weekend entertainment content only and should not to be considered factual ]

  • apache_lives
    i like chicken
  • Wayoffbase
    I'll wait for Schwarzenegger to release a wifi standard before upgrading. It'll have a learning chip in it, and mass adoption of the standard in California should help make it the standard everywhere. Plus, Arnold is far more articulate and has a better grasp of the English language than Stallone, which should help with marketing.
  • afrobacon
    I'm not sure if I like the thought of receiving my data from a statue of Stallone...
  • tallguy1618
    Stallone would rock arnold
  • Raidur
    Nobody f*c*s with Rambo. Hell, his piss clogs the toilet.
  • surfer1337dude
    Please Arnold would destroy Stallone.
  • SpadeM
    Chuck Norris would round house kick both of them in the face. His router ChuckFi-st is the ultimate in wireless communications.
  • Ciuy
    yeah Chuck Norris is da shiizzzznitz .
  • one-shot
    lol. Stallone would eat Chuck Norris for a small snack. I want SLYFI now!
  • one-shot
    The Stallone now would rock the present Arnold. The Arnold of the mid 70's would