'Twas The Night Before Tom's Christmas 2024

Christmas
(Image credit: Shutterstock, Tom's Hardware)

It was holiday time but Santa felt like trash
because he needed gifts but he didn't have cash.
So he hatched up a scheme that he thought could be funny:
He'd build a U.S.-based fab for some
sweet CHIPS Act money.

To start up he'd need funds that left him dazed,
So he borrowed from billions
that Sam Altman raised.
To dream up the plans that would save the North Pole:
A CPU partially
made out of coal.

Santa bought plots of land — plum realty
in Arizona near
Intel and TSMC.
He could get fab tools that
weren't sent to China
and source quartz from
a mine out in North Carolina.

It was a move that the locals thought seemed pretty selfish.
And to make things worse
they held meetings in Elvish!
The locals would win by hem and by haw —
Santa couldn't get payouts if he broke labor law.

As the time stretched on Santa worried something was wrong.
"I've invested my loans, this is
taking too long!"
With delays until the CHIPS act would pay out to suppliers,
Santa had to show somehow that
he would have buyers.

He hadn't thought that far, things weren't going well.
Santa brainstormed that his new fab
could merge with Intel.
And in a moment of crisis and much indecision,
He thought the North Pole
could spin off the division.

But then Santa's worries increased tenfold,
when the program's
funding was put on hold.
He needed to do something, the nice list was growing,
And giving gifts wasn't something he could be foregoing!

Instead of deciding he was facing defeat
He puts the fab's
assets in a huge Excel sheet.
Then he reached out to friends who could help him do better,
though
Outlook crashed when he opened those emails together.

He found a UPS worker who had been quite naughty,
They'd used stolen
iPhones to pay off their Audi.
As part of an offer to stay out of jail,
They offered Santa money as part of their bail. 

The elves packed Mac Minis and AI PCs,
and
AMD's Ryzen 7 9800X3Ds.
While Santa and Mrs. Claus filled up the sleigh
With PC peripherals to
help Spielberg play.

Building a fab was more than Santa could take.
He had felt as
unstable as poor Raptor Lake.
He'd stick to the projects he could easily clear,
Like giving gifts to the world from the back of reindeer.

No matter what you’re celebrating this year,
Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Christmas with cheer;
We at Tom’s Hardware wish you the best.
We’ll be at our benches, running our tests.


The Tom’s Hardware staff first published a holiday poem in 2014 on Christmas Eve. It was updated a little bit and published again each year at the same time. The poem was given a complete overhaul in 2018 and has been rewritten with new stories and references every year since. (Also see the versions from 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022, and 2023.)

Tom's Hardware is the leading destination for hardcore computer enthusiasts. We cover everything from processors to 3D printers, single-board computers, SSDs and high-end gaming rigs, empowering readers to make the most of the tech they love, keep up on the latest developments and buy the right gear. Our staff has more than 100 years of combined experience covering news, solving tech problems and reviewing components and systems.

  • Elusive Ruse
    NGL that was pretty funny 😁
    Reply
  • Pierce2623
    I gotta admit, good job Tom’s Hardware. To my utmost surprise, this was 100% worth reading.
    Reply
  • bit_user
    This was a lot of fun, guys! I'm impressed by how many of the more obscure references we worked into it. Even though I remembered the stories, I wouldn't have thought to reference most of those, myself. Yet, I think it still managed to touch on a lot of the year's major highlights.

    Thanks for all your hard work, Toms editors & contributors!

    Happy Holidays to all!!🎅 ☃️ 🎆 🎉
    Reply
  • jalyst
    Tnx for your efforts, everyone assoc. w. THG, you guys rock, don't ever go extinct!
    Reply