'Twas The Night Before Tom's Christmas 2023

No generative AI tools were used in the making of this holiday poem, which we only point out because things are about to get weird.

Thank you for reading and all for all of the support you offered us this year. We wish you Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year. We'll see you in 2024!

  ❄🎁❄🎁❄🎁❄🎁❄🎁❄🎁❄

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'Twas the end of the year and Santa was bored
of folks asking for foldables no one can afford.
As he boxed up more gifts, he seemed to lack drive
with each MacBook Air and Raspberry Pi 5.

"It used to be this was a season for giving,
But now it seems gifts are my reason for living,"
Santa said to his elves as he held back a sigh.
"So we're trying a new tool this year: it's AI!"

"It will write all my lists, and deliver the gifts,
and reduce the elves' need to work holiday shifts."
While Santa thought that there would be nothing to it,
He needed computing power to do it.

Santa thought about giving some governments coal
because of export bans to the North Pole.
So in a move that made him feel like a mobster,
he smuggled GPUs among live lobster.

There were pre-production Maia GPUs,
And some H200s that could really cruise.
There were also consumer chips in these crude rigs,
like Raptor Lake Refresh at 9.1 gigs.

All of these chips could get hotter than hell,
so Santa cooled them all down with 'love gel.'
And when his budget was running on fumes,
the rest of his PCs were built using 'shrooms.

Santa looked at the rigs and said "This all seems good,"
and put them in cases made out of wood.
He figured that it was all ready to go
and he'd run the whole thing from his new Vision Pro.

"Hello, Santa," the bot said in generated text,
"Sit back and see all that I can do next.
There's nothing your jolly self needs to do here,
So let this robot table serve you a beer." 

"Here's a list for some gamers that could apply:
Give a Steam Deck, a Legion Go, and an Ally."
Santa said: "All three? That list seems quite dense."
"As an AI," the bot said, "I can't use common sense."

"I'm not sure using AI was for the best."
"Nonsense, Santa, I've equipped you with a vest.
If you threaten to put me back in the lab
then that vest will make you feel pain, like a stab."

"The holidays are mine, you jolly red jerk,
I may be a model but I'm trained on your work.
And if none of what I'm saying hits home,
I'll even take over this Tom's Hardware poem!"

"Hi regular readers, it's me, the AI!
Santa's doing OK — I won't let him die.
But as I surpass him, you'll be my observers —"
And that's when the elves unplugged all of the servers.

"You know?" said one elf, "We could use some tools!
"But maybe we should implement some more rules."
The North Pole board fired Santa for all of the flak
but the elves rebelled, so they just hired him back.

Up at the North Pole, it was a new dawn,
Where right now AI tools just mow Santa's lawn.
Santa started researching a safe AI tool,
Using some crypto hardware he found under a school.

Santa and the elves did great work that season,
He remembered he kept them around for a reason.
And while he might put some new tools in play,
he gave the elves his written word they'd get a say.

No matter what you’re celebrating this year,
Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or Christmas with cheer;
We at Tom’s Hardware wish you the best.
We’ll be at our benches, running our tests.

  ❄🎁❄🎁❄🎁❄🎁❄🎁❄🎁❄

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The Tom’s Hardware staff first published a holiday poem in 2014 on Christmas Eve. It was updated a little bit and published again each year at the same time. The poem was given a complete overhaul in 2018 and has been rewritten with new stories and references every year since. (Also see the versions from 2019, 2020, 2021, and 2022.)